Sunday, 6 April 2008

And then there were 10...

It's the results show! Cue titles. Norton strides on to the strains of Consider Yourself in a ghastly petrol blue shiny tux with an orange shirt.There must have been a power cut.

Teh gurlz perform the opening bars of Oom Pah Pah AGAIN. Have they forgotten we had to sit through this last night? The mockney accents are out in full force. Norton comments about them sitting on their bustles.

The Nancys will be facing their fears in this week's mission and the Olivers will be back (groan). Cue reintroductions of teh panel and Phantom music for the Lord.

We get a quick recap of Saturday's solo performances. Francesca doesn't want to be in the sing-off again and is gratified to have the judges' support. Tara is gutted her voice didn't hold out. Jodie wants to be back next week - she's not cabaret, she's West End. Norton asks the Nancys what they thought about the judges' comments. Keisha says she's a fighter. [BORING. Fuck off. Get on with it. - Carrie]

Mission time! Nancy lived in an evil Dickensian slum, with a violent boyfriend, so naturally it's time to scare the Nancys. They get confronted with rats and there's much screeching. Niamh's freaking. Rachel says it's spine-chilling and she's disgusted. But it's not over yet - Bill Sikes, played by actor Stephen Hartley [whom I love a little bit - Carrie] for the mission, is lurking around the corner and the Nancys get tested on their Acting skills as they do the scene where Nancy stands up to Sikes before he kills her.

Denise van Outen is watching: Sarah has a real attitude. Rachel looks like she's going to have an asthma attack but DVO thinks she can do it (although she doubts it can be 8 times a week). Jessie was apparently all over the place and Jodie was disappointing, as she didn't Feel The Fear.

Cut back to the studio: ALW is stroking a rat (no, not Humphries), which Norton claims was found in the BBC canteen. DVO says she found the mission revealing. ALW: "Nancy has to be tough."

The 11 go back on stage for a group rendition of No More Tears (Streisand/Summer). They are all in long black gowns with huge gold belts. Tara still looks like Heather Mills. Niamh comes across as strong. Keisha still looks like a TV presenter. [This is one of my favourite songs EVER. Not this version of it, though. - Carrie]

ALW: "Niamh was extraordinary, and Jessie and Rachel. So many great girls."

Norton asks the judges who stood out. The Dame is rooting for Niamh and Rachel. JB opts for Ashley and Cleo, who both exuded a strong sexiness. DVO doesn't get a say.

Cut to Chester: he's really excited. We get a quick profile: he's 12 and his hobbies are dancing, acting, singing and cooking. [Oh, Chester. Email me in six years' time, when you want to spend your Friday nights in London's Trendy West End, and not the theatre district, OK? - Carrie] The Olivers perform Pie Jesu together. Gwion just looks too angelic, goody-goody, butter wouldn't melt to be Oliver. At their age, they probably don't realise that what they are singing would, if translated, see them renditioned out to Guantanamo Bay for a spot of light waterboarding.

But never mind that. Norton says the burning question now is "who's through?" He asks the panel "who is not Nancy?". JB says Samantha, while DVO and the Dame are both keen to kick out Keisha.

It's time for the results: Ashley, Niamh, Jessie, Jodie (who share a quick hug), Samantha, Francesca, Rachel and Sarah are all through. Cleo, Tara and Keisha are left.

Tara looks like she knows she's going home, but it's Keisha who learns first that she's in the sing-off. Tara is then told she is safe after all. So - both the Black Nancys are in the sing-off. [Racialist British public! - Carrie] My cash is on Keisha going home tonight. She had the lowest public vote.

They're singing I Know You So Well from Chess [and to be frank they're not a patch on your Bitching team, who have sung this song in a variety of Elaine/Barbara combinations - Carrie]. Norton reminds them: "Slip up now and you could regret it for the rest of your life". ALW looks grim then winces at one of Keisha's notes. In fact, it's bum notes galore and when duetting it's hard to tell who's more out of tune. Keisha's voice seems thin in places and Cleo is definitely acting it better. [Keisha gets the show-off Paige descant, and still fucks it up. Cleo was much more sensitive in her performance. - Carrie]

ALW: "Nothing is so good it lasts eternally. It's a difficult choice, the most difficult of the series so far." Er, this IS only the second sing-off, we're not in week 9 yet. But, based on what he just heard, shock! He's saving Keisha! Cleo is out. The Lord tells Cleo: "You were fantastic, tonight was not the right result but you have a place in the West End." Er, if it's not the right result, why is he booting her and saving Keisha? [Bullshit judging, Webber, you fool. Why do you do this? - Carrie]

Cleo makes a brief fighting talk speech then it's time for her to sing out the show. She gets a standing ovation from the studio audience. Keisha looks pained - she knows she's still only in thanks to the grace of the Lord (although gawd knows why, she was easily the worst this week). And then there were ten...

1 comment:

sacred-sarcasm said...

Totally the wrong result! Keisha can't act, and neither of them can sing. ALW didn't even save the prettiest one!

So glad you're bitching this, btw - was a great fan of the rest of BitchPresentation's output.