Sunday, 27 April 2008

Can you feel the haaaate tonight?

Titles!

'Consider Yourself', Norton marches on, horrible suit and shirt, Nancys and Olivers standing on stairs - you know what's happening. The lines have closed, and one more Nancy MUST LEAVE. But first we MUST HEAR a sodding reprise of their group number from last night. It is the same as it was then.

Crashing on, then, Norton reminds us of the show's ridiculous premise and voting rules, welcomes Barbara Windsor, welcomes the judges (I really like Denise's dress, and am not keen on Barry's weird duffle-coat-effect jacket)[but his haircut is even worse - Louise], and then we go to a recap.

Niamh was Winehouse, if Winehouse was a bit shit and musical theatre and was liable to weep at negative criticism; Rachel was rubbish but nobody in the studio appeared to notice; Jessie HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE; Sarah was ironic, don't you think; Keisha lost her voice and almost her modesty with her blossoming Nancy; Ashley was cheesy but WANTS TO BE HERE; the Olivers sang a song from 'Annie', because that too is about orphanages, and Alexander went through; Sam did some amazing belting and is happy that ALW thinks she's improved; Jodie was marvellous, particularly on the key change (drink!).

Barry says that EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK is a marathon, and 'Oliver!' is a tough show, and he never took a day off sick, which gets a ripple of applause, for some reason. Barrowman has taken it upon himself to be the ladies' fitness guru, and went through their cupboards and fridge and threw away the food he disapproved of [like month-old salad. What's not to disapprove of? - Louise]. This week's mission for the Nancys is to go rowing, because you need to be physically fit to do EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK. They go to a boat club and meet boys in Lycra, and seem happy about that. Sarah struggled on the rowing machine because she only has little legs. Rachel and Jessie were good. So at least they're good at something.

Anyway, Ashley and Rachel are team captains, and pick their own crews. Sarah is last to be picked and pretends to be fake-sad, when in fact she's genuine-sad. Keisha struggled, but the rest of the girls pulled her through; Sarah got confused; Jodie is unfit and over EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK it'll begin to show. Rachel's team win, but the two captains are singled out as the day's exceptional performers. Rachel refers to her crew as Team Tucker, the stuck-up bint.

Oh dear God, their group number is 'Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves'. They have golden chairs and disgusting shiny tops. Why on EARTH is Rachel bellowing at us? She looks distinctly uncomfortable with the dancing. Niamh is all in her throat and not good. Jessie gets the bridge - HAAAAAAAAAAAATE. [And her movement is still stilted as all hell. And she can't quite get that crook out of her arm, can she? Arrrrrrr, Jimlad. - Steve] The harmonies aren't too bad, though. Barbara Windsor is wheeled out to give feedback on the group shows. She was friends with Lionel Bart, and she thinks that if he WAS NOT DEAD he would like to put a spanner in the works and redefine the role of Nancy. Next week, Barbara and Denise will be giving the ladies an Acting Masterclass. AHAHAHA. Denise will be watching Jodie and Jessie very closely.

Time to meet Alexander, the fifth Oliver through to the semi-final. He's 11, his favourite band is Bon Jovi [Omigod, is it 1988 all over again? - Georgi]and he loves to play air guitar. Being in the West End would be the best thing that has ever happened in his whole life. Sigh. The boys' group number is 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight', from The Lion King. Alexander's voice is noticeably less confident than the other four who've already progressed, and though I'm not a huge fan of too much vibrato and am definitely anti forced throat vibrato, he doesn't have any at all. Then they go into parts, and oh dear me, this is not good.

The panel are asked who is not Nancy. Barry says Keisha is not Nancy, Denise says Ashley isn't, Barrowman says Keisha isn't. Sigh. Been here before, I think.

The results! Samantha could still be Nancy. Jessie could still be Nancy. HAAAAAAAAAATE. Jodie and Rachel could both still be Nancy, and Jodie does mental over-reaction, as usual. Keisha and Ashley - one of them is in the sing-off, one is safe. Ashley is safe, and she punches the air in glee [dear me, the viewers must be deaf - Louise]. That leaves Sarah and Niamh for the one remaining guaranteed place in next week's show - and quite rightly, that place is Sarah's. She doesn't quite know how to react, bless her.

So Niamh and Keisha to sing off, then. Keisha has the lowest number of votes this week, but ALW may decide to save her. AGAIN. They're singing 'The Rose', which may suit Niamh because it's all emo. She begins the song, in characteristic fragile stylee. Keisha takes the key change and proper belts it, and she really does have a hell of a voice up there even with a bad throat. Niamh is also good on the higher notes, albeit not as powerful, when she's not having to shout them in a pop song way. Tough call, ALW.

ALW says it is a travesty about having to decide between these two and he is ANGRY about having to DO HIS FUCKING JOB, but he saves Niamh [and finally takes note that the public do NOT see Keisha as Nancy - Louise] [Racialists. - Steve]. He says it's an impossible choice, he thought she was absolutely wonderful and has a huge career ahead of her, and he'll do anything he can to help her. I'd suggest you could a) not get rid of her or b) write her a song, but b) probably wouldn't help her career. [Look what it did for Elvis... - Georgi]

ZOMG next week the Olivers are doing High School Musical songs! With THEIR HATS! Keisha sings us out in Shirley Bassey fashion, with no Cockney accent at all. In the key change, ALW gets up and applauds her in vociferous fashion. Niamh is all emo and weepy. Shocker. Keisha milks the money note. [That was amazing. Good ol' Keisha, making the band wait until she'd damn well finished. Suddenly I see a big future in musical theatre for her. - Steve] ALW then PICKS UP HIS FILES AND STORMS OFF STAGE! Get her!

Well, bitches, another fun weekend. Join us again next Saturday when you may well have the fun of a Georgi-Carrie liveblog!

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