Third live show: 12th April 2008
Good evening, all, and welcome to our first IBA liveblog! Carrie and Georgi are here to narrate the unfolding drama, confused Barrowman metaphors, Lord Lloyd Webber's gurning and of course Graham Norton's innuendoes. Snarf.
Last week! Some took centre stage (Jessie, for example), some were shit according to Van Outen and Barrowman (Samantha, for example) and blah. This week, lots of very exciting things will happen. Apparently. Keisha wants to be Nancy. Shocker. This is I'd Do Anything!
Here's Graham Norton, in a jade green suit with dark green piping and maroon silk shirt. It is not a good look. Barrowman and Van Outen are in their little gang; Barry Humphries judges them unfavourably; Andrew Lloyd Webber is quivering with excitement. Ew.
The Nancys sing It's A Fine Life. Niamh decides not to start on the right note; Sarah has developed long hair and looks good with it; Samantha manages to get a random audience member in the shot while she's singing; Francesca's bosom appears to have increased exponentially since last week. There is much skirt-swishing and stamping - and a key change! On the line about "tea-sipping and crumpets", the shot switches to Norton dipping a crumpet into a cup of tea. Fuck's sake. Apart from that, well done all! [I hate the group sings so much. Possibly because I hate every song from Oliver! except 'As Long As He Needs Me', which I love as much as I hate the rest of them.-Joel]
Tara's supporters have crayon drawings of her on their posters. What. The. Fuck?
Anyway, back over to Norton. He explains the concept of the show yet again, and mentions that the girls went to a film première this week, and the boys went to meet Robbie Keane of Tottenham and Ireland. I am not sure why.
He introduces us to our 'expert panel'. You know who they are. Van Outen has a nice dress. Barry Humphries has another classic suit [and still looks like a dodgy old perve with a Javier Bardem psycho killer haircut - Louise]. He is allowed to join in the 'we're not worthy' thing to Lloyd Webber again. [This week, with added jazz hands - Georgi] Lloyd Webber is angry about last week's result, as are we, but for different reasons. He reminds us to vote for people who can PLAY THE PART, not according to whether or not they are from Wales or Ireland.
So that makes Norton's next autocue line even more risible - "Belfast's Rachel!" Rachel has gone to meet the cast of Jersey Boys this week. Switch to Sarah, who has gone to see burlesque performer Immodesty Blaize this week to get her inner sex kitten unleashed. She is hoping to be more "mischievous, saucy Nancy" this week.
Hooray! This week they are singing SONGS FROM MUSICALS [and/or films - Georgi]. If anyone sings anything by Queen or Abba, I will cut a bitch. Andrew Lloyd Webber uses the word "Nancified". Ha.
Rachel is singing 'Oh What A Night' from the West End show Jersey Boys - NOT A MUSICAL. She has Boys dancing with her, which is nice, but her dress is not; it appears to have some form of hood growing from the waist. She forgets to sing a couple of words leading into the bridge, but nobody seems to care. She does a bit of dancing. It's OK. Then she does some scampering. Andrew Lloyd Webber seems to be trying to clap along.
Sarah is singing 'Maybe This Time' from Cabaret, which is one of my favourite songs EVER (this is Carrie typing). Her dress isn't doing her any favours; it is knee-length with some form of upholstery tassel trimming, and should either be lower cut or shorter. And more green, as she is supposed to be dressed in green, and this is a sort of pistachio colour. Her earrings are green, though. She too has some Boys, who are doing excellent Acting with her. It's a good performance, and she looks like she's about to cry at the end.
Norton talks to them and asks if the atmosphere has changed in the house. Rachel says it has. Then they wheel out some footage of Sarah aged 9 dancing in some sort of competition. LULZ. Denise says that she thinks they have the right leading lady qualities; Rachel delivers a show and is secure in herself; Sarah gave it to her (ooer) and gave a different performance from last week, but she still worries that she is more Country Life Nancy than East End Nancy. [Where does West End Nancy fall into that scale, I wonder? - Steve] Barry Humphries reminsces about playing Fagin, because HE HAS PLAYED FAGIN. He likens Rachel to Georgia Brown, the original Nancy, and says that Sarah's voice is like Nancy but doesn't look like her. Barrowman says Rachel could be Nancy, and he doesn't know what the others are talking about when they're talking about Sarah. Denise Van Outen tries to argue, and she and Barrowman bicker. [What is this, Strictly Come Dancing? - Georgi] When he gets to finish his comment, he suggests that Sarah dye her hair for next week, so the others don't just look at her blondeness. [Yes, because Denise Van Outen would judge people on being blonde... - Georgi] Lloyd Webber concurs with Barrowman, who looks smug and vindicated.
Next up, two Nancys who have both been in the sing-off - Francesca and Keisha. Francesca's parents were nervous for her, and glad that she wasn't in the sing-off for a second time last week. She is reminding us that she is from Swansea, which is in Wales, and hasn't just been an actress, but has also done other jobs. Keisha was terrible last week and deserved to get voted off, but for some reason ALW kept her in. She is "so grateful" and might actually make an effort this week. She has been "getting into the zone", and is "still a contender", apparently.
Francesca is first, singing 'Time of my Life' from Dirty Dancing, although it is a duet, so what's that about? Also, why doesn't she have a pink Baby dress? Although her black and white dress is quite nice. [On second viewing, there is a pale pink background on her dress. Very pale, though. - Carrie] Everyone has Boys to dance with this week. Her vocal is a bit weak in places. Keisha is singing 'The Lady is a Tramp', which is a classic, but too low for her. Perhaps they're trying to get rid of her again. It's definitely an improvement on last week, though. She's still like a children's TV presenter, however. [She's worse than that, she was way too much B&W Minstrels for my liking - Louise] [She's stunningly attractive, and has a great voice, but sing something sad and low-key already, missy.-Joel]
Francesca says it's horrific the week after being in the sing-off, and she has tried to support Keisha through it this week [did anyone else notice she called Keisha "Katie"? hee! - Louise]. Keisha reveals that she has about a million names [including Katie? - Louise]. Denise says that Francesca has the "rawness and roughness" that is right for the role. [But then, she has snogged her, so she may be biased. - Carrie] She doesn't see Keisha as a victim of Bill Sikes, though. Barry liked Francesca but would like "more raw emotion" because she has to "take the audience on a journey" - drink! He doesn't seem sure that Keisha can cope under pressure though. The Barrowman says Francesca was "superb, superb, superb". Fuck's sake, stop repeating yourself. [I throw a cushion at the telly. - Carrie] He thought Keisha performed like she was "on a cruise ship". Ha ha. Mr Webber says that he gets nervous when he watches Francesca because he worries about her pitching. He doesn't seem to understand the "I'm broke, it's oke" lyrics from 'Lady is a Tramp', but thinks it was unfair to criticise her for performing it in a period style.
Now it is time to "review the Oliver situation". AHAHAHA. The boys have gone to Tottenham to learn teamwork and stamina. Lord LW isn't happy because he supports Leyton Orient. Robbie Keane talks to the boys about doing something he loves doing, and encourages them to give 110%. Drink! Joe Lyons, the Spurs U11 coach, gives them little motivation chats about the importance of teamwork and doing the can-can. Srsly. Andrew and Cameron go to watch the boys play. How on EARTH can they judge how good an Oliver will be based on his footballing skills? Cameron asks them what they have learned about teamwork and stamina. They regurgitate their answers like good little parrots. Arthur is selected as the third Oliver through to the semi-final. Not entirely sure which one he is. He says he would like Samantha to be Nancy. Everyone whoops. Aw. [I am still Team Kwayedza. - Georgi] [I'm liking Team Harry - Louise] [Team Kwayedza! AKA Team The Only One I Don't Want To Punch In The Throat!-Joel]
The boys then sing 'Teamwork' from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Oh, clever! I (Carrie) don't really like any of the other potential Olivers (the ones that haven't gone through, obv) apart from Kwayedza. What does anyone else think? Norton speaks to ALW, who says they'd have done better if they'd gone to Leyton Orient to train. [I nearly hurled at the sight of ALW in a coral footie shirt. What's that all about? Ick! - Louise]
Remember what ALW said about not voting for people based on where they're from? Well, next up are "Falkirk's Ashley and Blackpool's Jodie". Ashley is singing a song from the musical Mamma Mia, which is NOT A MUSICAL, and she goes to see the show's leading lady and musical director. Jodie appreciates that she has to leave Blackpool to be successful. She has a serious song to sing this week, so she will tone down (and she sings this bit with ironic vibrato) "the cabareeeeeeeeeeeet!". Georgi quite rightly points out that Nancy is a little bit cabaret, seeing as she storms into rooms and encourages everyone to sing along with her while still admiring her performance.
Ashley is singing 'The Winner Takes It All', which is not from a musical. She does some Timid and Brokenhearted Acting, while wearing a lovely purple dress. She clutches her head when she sings "minds as cold as ice". Jodie is singing 'Send In The Clowns', which is fairly low down on the list of songs I'd expect her to sing, but she has her musical theatre voice in today and it's really, really, really good. Actually it's a weird song to vocally showcase anyone, seeing as any musicals anorak will tell you it was written by Stephen Sondheim for the non-singer Glynis Johns, and hence there are no sustained notes at the end of phrases, but it is an excellent Serious and Acting showcase, and she is fantastic. If Barrowman doesn't give her three repeated adjectives, I will set fire to him. [This was amazing. Jodie acted, rather than ACTED, and made her voice sound entirely different - like a sad middle-aged lady. Just awesome. Jodie for Nancy pliz.-Joel]
Norton asks them about practical jokes in the house. Jodie gave Ashley a fake scratchcard. HAHAHA. [Do you think she would quit this humiliating spectacle if she had actually won £25,000? - Georgi] Barrowman thought they were both spectacular [spectacular, spectacular! surely? - Georgi] performances, and Jodie has made him speechless. HOORAY! Barry Humphries thinks Ashley is now a "definite contender", and that Jodie is normally like a "beautiful barmaid...make mine a large one, please, Jodie". Hee! [Filth! - Georgi] [presumably because he hasn't (got a large one) - Louise] But now she has the poignancy Nancy needs. Denise agrees; she saw the heart of Nancy in Ashley, and Jodie toned down the cabaret to give a West End-Broadway leading lady performance. ALW thinks Ashley is extremely talented, but is worried we might get bored with her voice. Booooooooo! [He's right - I don't think she's interesting enough - Louise] He chose Jodie's song very deliberately, and is happy because she made it her own. Drink!
Our next two potential are "both young, from Ireland and desperate" - Niamh and Jessie. Niamh is homesick. Carrie is concerned that Zaron (Niamh's mum) is not a name, and I tend to agree. [Possibly if it's short for Zac Efron. - Steve] Niamh is impressed with herself about how well she is coping away from home. Jessie is Andrew's favourite, but Denise was disappointed with her acting last week - Jessie thinks it was because she isn't Cockney. She has been sent for vocal coaching this week [and I was not impressed. Her "bootifuls" were too Bernard Matthews and she sounded like she had a mouthful of marbles - Louise]. She feels that she is getting closer to her dream.
Emo Niamh is first, singing 'Moon River', and has hair like Audrey Hepburn. It's a shame she can't hit the notes. Her dress is pretty, too. She's still just not Nancy in my book. Jessie is singing 'One Night Only' from Dreamgirls, and there are boys in sparkly shirts behind her - so get ready to gay it up. Her dress looks like a nightie, and the choreography is, frankly, a bit racy for a Saturday night family show. [And the singing was unsuitable for anything, anywhere. Utterly dreadful. And stop swinging your arm, woman. Nancy is not a pirate. - Steve]
Graham points out that both of them are very young... oh, good, it's just some photos of them playing instruments when they were younger. I was worried there would be more home videos. Denise thinks that Niamh was "fragile" and beautiful, and Jessie was great. Jessie looks surprised, mainly because she wasn't as fabulous as she could have been. Barrowman says that Niamh could "redefine the role of Nancy", and Jessie was "flawless", which: no. Barry thought that Niamh "made that song, which has an incomprehensible lyric, make sense", but she needs to be tougher. He thought Jessie had a "bruised quality". ALW says it was a good night for the Irish. He thinks Niamh looks like a young Audrey Hepburn, and goes on to explain what "huckleberry friend" means. Meanwhile, Jessie: "Eight shows a week only." For she is the CHOSEN ONE.
Last week, Tara was sad because Van Outen spoke the truth and said she wouldn't be Nancy. She weeps and has a crisis of confidence, but then she is made better by a video message from her friends and family. IN CARDIFF. [At the Millennium Stadium. Which is IN CARDIFF. In WALES! - Georgi] Samantha was sad because Barrowman said she had cold, dead eyes and was not Nancy. The girls all went to a film première this week and saw George Clooney. "That is George Clooney. Right there," says Sam, pointing at him. Renée Zellweger walks past, looking far too thin. [And sucking a lemon, as usual. - Steve]
Tara is singing 'Let's Hear It For The Boy' from Footloose. She's really not very good, is she? Her dress is made of a billion ruffles. And obviously she has many Boys for this. Georgi suggests that Tara could be in Footloose the Musical and play Sarah Jessica Parker's role of Rusty [Let's face it, Soap Nancy Tara is shite and should stick to Pobol y Cwm. - Louise]. Samantha is singing 'Somewhere' from West Side Story. Her dress is lovely, all blue and chiffony. She doesn't sound very secure on her top notes; either that or the band are too loud. She does Acting and misses lots of notes [and gets the lyrics a bit wrong - Georgi]. Then at the big ending, she belts it and only manages to go in tune when she adds vibrato, which is one of my pet musical theatre hates. [WSS is my favourite musical of all time, evah! And she ruined a great song. She is NOT Nancy - Louise]
Norton talks to them about how nice George Clooney is, and shows an amusing photo of Clooney pulling a funny face while posing with the girls. HAHAHA. Barrowman says Tara's voice wasn't good enough and Sam was too nervous and fucked up the lyrics. Then he starts shouting a bit, for some reason, and says, "It's CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM." [Despite the fact that nobody was even bothering to boo him. - Georgi] Barry Humphries wants Tara to do better Acting, and Tara gripes about the song choice [To be fair, 'Let's Hear it for the Boy' is a hard song to make about DEATH - Georgi] [DEPTH, you lunatic. - Carrie] and that she had been ill. Barrowman interjects, "We all get sick IN THE WEST END." Van Outen says it was Tara's best performance, but it was still shit, and judges Sam's Acting unfavourably. ALW says Tara needs a better song, and that he is staggered about John and Denise's comments about Sam because SHE IS ONLY SEVENTEEN, and he is not surprised that she faltered because SHE IS SO YOUNG. [Maybe she is too young to play Nancy then? Do you think, maybe, Mr Webber, sir? Gah. - Georgi]
That's your lot for this evening - dial now to save your favourite Nancy. Recap! Our top Nancys for this week were Sarah and Jodie. Jessie still hasn't done a bad performance. Everyone else was so-so. Tara probably deserves to get voted off. Join Steve tomorrow for the results, when the Nancys meet "former Joseph Ben", who is in Hairspray! Whoop!