The announcer lady sooo says, "Which of the Nazis are going through to the final?" She means Nancys, of course, and it's results time!
Norton, yellow suit and blue shirt, Nancys and Olivers perform Food Glorious Food again, Jessie does "hungry" acting. Blah.
Gwion, Laurence and Harry give a big thumbs-up to the camera, and Norton tells us they'll be singing Where Is Love? later. This is the last chance ALW has to save any of the Nancys, and then it's all up to us. VOTE JODIE. The panel are introduced, and CamMac is back again. For the goldfish among us, Norton reminds us again that next week the result is entirely dependent on our votes.
Recap of "last" "night's" "backstage" "action". Rachel was bizarre, forgot her lines in one verse, and did a spot of self-aggrandising improv; the judges were delighted; Rachel was shaking backstage; Jessie sang reasonably nicely, but once again mistook shouting for acting, and Barrowman spoke the truth while Barry Humphries watched some other performance; Jessie says that she performed from her heart (drink!) and seems to be undergoing a Brooke White-esque breakdown [which does lend some credence to John and Denise saying she's not emotionally ready - Steve]; Samantha sang a dreadful song out of key; Jodie was stunning and got slagged off by CamMac. I want him to go away again now. Although I did laugh when he suffixed his criticism with, "That might be what Barry's talking about." Yes, it might be, but who knows? The Olivers sang Tomorrow; Sam and Jodie rocked Jesus Christ Superstar; Rachel and Jessie were a tad shambolic on Buenos Aires. [Dame Barry has been watching a completely different show over the last 9 weeks, in which his role has been to perve over teenage wannabes young enough to be his great-granddaughter - Louise]
Norton says the votes could go any way at all. Jodie says she speaks on behalf of "the girls" when she says it would mean the earth to all of them. Rachel says they've all shown Nancy traits. Norton wishes them all luck, and leads into their mission VT - they've been sent to a miserable Victorian hovel, which still looks a bit clean and spacious for an alcoholic slut and her murderous bit of stuff. Sam is bewildered by the concept of making dinner without a ready meal or a microwave. [Sheesh, someone teach her how to boil a spud - Louise] Rachel says the mission is bringing them closer to the heart of Nancy. LULZ. The next morning, they have to recite As Long As He Needs Me to Barry. He is expecting a Very High Standard. Jessie seems to have developed some kind of speech impediment as she cannot say anything sibilant any more, but interestingly she is still attempting a Cockney accent [and sho shay all of ush - Louise]. Rachel is overwhelmed at having to speak with no piano, but actually just manages to speak the words in rhythm rather than acting them as prose. Barry liked it, though. Jodie looks like she's about to cry, and Barry says it is an emotional performance, but he didn't get the same sense of courage as he got from the others. He felt that Sam was parroting the words at the start, but when she knelt down in front of him (snarf!) he thought it improved, and he thinks it's a very close contest. Well, thanks for that. [proof that he's a dirty old man - Louise]
Now the "fab four" Nancys are going to perform A Hard Day's Night (ha, do you see what they did there?). Rachel and Jessie are in white, Jodie and Sam in black. Jessie keeps watching her feet; Sam keeps moving her eyebrows too much.
Time for more of the Olivers, and footage of the moments the boys were told they had WON, plus ALW and CamMac's comments. Harry is apparently a fantastic actor; Gwion is loveable and very strong; Laurence has a wonderful voice and CamMac reckons it is very emotional when you watch him sing, and he is proud of his journey (double drink!). The three boys sing Where Is Love?, which is a hideous dirge. And Chester's singing is better than all three of these. There is tender applause at the end rather than a proper ovation, and Sam, bless him, is whooping from the bleachers.
Why do the Nancys think they should be Nancy? Well, Rachel thinks she is ready for the part and it is her time; Jodie puts her heart and soul into every performance, and promises to give us 110% (wrong show, sweetheart); Sam says she deserves to be Nancy because she is ready and would make a raw, edgy, slightly different Nancy; Jessie says she would redefine the role of Nancy [She is confusing herself with Niamh, surely? - Georgi] because she is fresh, youthful and as strong as an ox, and ready for NINE SHOWS A WEEK, never mind EIGHT. I want to like her and feel sorry for her, but she makes it very difficult. [I don't know, I'm kind of finding Jessie On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown almost endearing. At least she's funny this way, albeit unintentionally. - Steve]
The judges are asked who is not Nancy. Barrowman says Jessie's emotional content isn't there; Denise says Jessie isn't ready. There is not a PEEP from the audience. Barry says it's an agonising decision, but selects Jodie [too old for his fantasies? - Louise], and CamMac agrees that she doesn't have quite the grip on the role [the fool - Louise]. There is BOOING from the audience. CamMac is proving a real disappointment to me.
Norton explains the concept of the sing-off, like we haven't been watching it for the past billion weeks. He does a Dancing with the Stars-style summary for each contestant - Rachel has worked hard and wants to make her family IN BELFAST proud; Jessie wants to be accepted; Sam's confidence has grown; Jodie has become a serious contender. Pointless tension-building, but here are the results. Jodie could STILL BE NANCY, and goes loopy - bursts into tears, screams, and runs to her mum, bawling and wailing. Rachel is in the sing-off. Barrowman and Denise are holding hands and looking perturbed. Jessie could STILL BE NANCY, and punches the air in a really ungracious and inelegant way. She rushes over to Jodie and they hug. [Are the public deaf? Blind? Or has Eire suddenly acquired a massive phone bill? - Louise] [A very small part of me actually wants Jessie to win now. The panel have made their bed, and now Jessie can lie in it - slurring, pirate arm, inability to dance and all. That'll learn 'em. - Steve]
Sam received the lowest number of votes, making her the LEAST POPULAR NANCY. She and Rachel have to sing Memory, and ALW recommends, and I quote, "What you have to do now is be a star, show that sacred flame a star must show in a moment like this." Right, that's really helpful. And AGAIN the key has been bumped up a bit for them. To be honest, I prefer Sam's voice, but Rachel certainly acts this better. [Definitely. I thought this was the most impressive Sam's voice had ever been, but she just looked like she was reciting a shopping list. Rachel was acting her little socks off. - Steve] ALW doesn't appear to be watching or listening, just sitting in his chair looking really pissed off. There's a key change into another key that this song doesn't use. Sam sings the last line by herself, complete with huge camera close-up.
Norton reminds them that only one of them can go through. ALW says it is a devastating moment and yabbers on about Cats being the first show he did with CamMac. [Doesn't he also say that 'Memory' is sung by a young cat to an older cat, when actually it is the other way around, thus proving that he doesn't even have a clue about his own fucking musicals? - Georgi] He says Sam has everything ahead of her, and Rachel did a fabulous performance of Cabaret. He is thinking about where CamMac is ultimately going to go with the show, and then stutters a bit, before saying he's going to save Samantha, who seems surprised, thanks him, then runs off to hug Jodie and Jessie. Rachel says the three finalists are all amazing, and they shout back that they love her. Aww. [Looks like she and Sam have resolved their differences, then. - Steve] ALW says he knows she has a huge career ahead of her, and Rachel thanks the panel and everyone in the world.
So she sings us out, and this is certainly the most-acted version of this we've seen, though she does stray into arm-flinging slightly too much for my tastes, and then proceeds to distort her own vocal by singing the last three bars in a high-decibel chest-belt. [Aw. I hope someone casts her in a West End show, I think Rachel's ace. She and Sarah were the only people who genuinely managed to give me chills during their respective sing-outs. - Steve][Here's betting Rachel is the "safe pair of hands" they call to fill in when Jodie wants to go on holiday. - Georgi]
Next week's the final, bitches. Join Carrie and Georgi for liveblogging and vodka [in no particular order - Georgi] for the final time this series!