I'd Bitch Anything

The final countdown - it's a Nancy liveblog!

2008-05-31T02:33:00.000-07:00

Carrie and Georgi have stocked up on spirits and are here to liveblog the I'd Do Anything final for you. Remember, kids, keep the Bailey's AWAY from the laptop.

Thousands auditioned, and one by one they fell. Three remain - Pirate Jessie, lovely Jodie and beautiful Samantha. A new West End star will be born. Fucking hell, that's Liza Minnelli in the pre-titles montage. Who will we choose as our Nancy?

Titles!

Graham Norton macro. Purple suit, yellow shirt, and the Nancys are wearing red Nancy dresses. [Does that mean Niamh was Nancy all along? - Steve] Lewis notJoseph is in the audience. The panel are there, as is ALW, even though what they think matters for fuck all any more. The final 12 Nancys perform I'd Do Anything with the final 12 Olivers, and Norton has a little cameo with the "and back again" line. Dear God.

After tonight, life for one girl (woman?) will never be the same again. Norton tells us this is not a talent show, but a casting competition, and the prize is a West End role that carries with it great responsibility. He struggles to keep a straight face, but manages it. One girl will be knocked out shortly, and then the final two duke it out. Barry Humphries is wearing a white tux. CamMac is we're-not-worthy-ing. Instead of the Phantom music, we get Power to the People. Norton dances. And the girls will meet up with the ACTUAL Liza Minnelli.

VT - the girls need to think about their journey so they get sent to Paris [on an Actual Journey? - Georgi]. Jodie talks to the birds, like Mary Poppins. All three girls cry. If you want to vote for Jodie, and let's face it, you should, you should ring 0901 121 2001. CamMac talks about usually having the final say. We don't really care what he has to say, because he has been a great disappointment to us. ALW says Sam is a heartstopper, Jodie is a heartwarmer and Jessie is a heartbreaker. What. The. Fuck?

First up, Blackpool's Jodie Prenger! Vote Jodie! She VTs about being fat and not getting any roles, and how it doesn't happen to people like her, and how she thought she got through because she was "jokey Jodie", but then 'Send in the Clowns' blew everyone away, including ALW. She wants to really prove she can do it, getting the role would be "the ultimate dream", she can't believe she's in the final, etc. Get on with it already. Graham asks ALW what her strengths are, and he says that she has never wavered, and that she took criticism in her stride.

Jodie is singing 'Son of a Preacher Man', in a purple dress that is verging on being a nightie. We're not sure how this song is supposed to prove that Jodie would be a good Nancy, but whatevs, she's still awesome. Jessie could never get away with that song. Remember, you can VOTE NOW (for Jodie). Graham asks Jodie if it hurt when CamMac said she couldn't be Nancy, and she is like: yes, duh, but she is going to prove to him that she could be Nancy. Over to CamMac, and he says she has proved it - just through that song, obviously. John says that as a Leading Man, he wants his leading lady to be "believable, believable, believable", like Jodie, and wants to star opposite her in the West End - yeah, like that will happen. ALW says Jodie has "an outsize talent", but he's not sure it will be quite enough. Fuck off, calling her a fat cow. Gah.

Sam is next. We see the VT from last week's sing-off, and she talks about showbiz being "a world of rejection", despite the Nancy audition being her first ever. She giggles about having to wear hotpants. She cries, and thanks the public for voting for her. Except for last week, obviously. Working with John did a lot for her, apparently. Various clips of performances, voiced over by weepy platitudes. ALW says that a lot will depend on the directorial team if Sam wins - everything is there, but it depends what can be fashioned from her. I think he's just called her insanely vapid.

Sam is singing Anyone Who Had A Heart, and wearing a blue dress with a diagonal sequinned strap, which as Georgi points out makes it look like she's got a handbag slung across her. She uses the second verse to do Acting into the camera, and as Barrowman pointed out last week, she does Angry very well, but she's not good on the simple emotional stuff. Agreeing with Barrowman puzzles me slightly, but he's right. [I really didn't expect to agree with Barrowman as much as I ended up doing this series. - Steve]

Sam talks about meeting La Minnelli, and is dull. Denise says that Sam has the voice of Nancy, and out of all the girls, she has had the most incredible journey. Drink! [Aye, the boat crossing from Man can be choppy at the best of times. Pass the sick bag - Louise] Then Denise's microphone breaks, and Barrowman leans across to lend her his. Barrowman is incredibly professional. [Which he ought to be, considering that he is on every TV show in the world! - Georgi] Denise talks about needing a good director to make something of her. Barry leers at her [no change there, then - Louise]. ALW says his question is whether or not she would be able to take the direction she needs and could she build up the stamina to do eight shows a week. Drink! [Your bitching team have just been checking the price of tickets, and discovered that the winning Nancy is actually scheduled to perform on Monday and Tuesday evenings, Wednesday matinees and Friday evenings. Our maths isn't the best, but we're pretty sure that only adds up to FOUR SHOWS A WEEK, YOU FUCKING LYING SCUMBAGS! If they hire the losing Nancy for the other four shows, I, for one, will be demanding my voting money back from the Beeb. - Georgi]

Finally, the "only remaining Irish Nancy of the competition", Pirate Jessie. She says she is "no longer Jessie - I am Nancy". Yes, whatever. She is overcome by Andrew believing in her. John has been criticising her more and more, hee hee. She "lost Jessie", ohnoez! Footage of ALW fawning over her, ugh. Jessie: "No matter how many times you get put down, if you can pick yourself up, you can do anything." Yes, whatever. [Tell that to my childhood pets. - Steve] ALW says she "delivers a ballad as well as any young girl" he's seen, and he is "touching everything tonight for her" - WTF?!?!?

On the plus side, Jessie is wearing the ugliest dress so far, like a long green curtain. She has a stool, so perhaps they will get it right this week and she'll stand up on the key change, or maybe they thought it was a good way to stop her waving her tomboy arms. She's singing 'The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face', or "The Foist Time", if you're Jessie. Bored now. Does Jessie think she's ready for this part? Obviously she does. John was bored by her last week, but he says she captivated him tonight, but he's worried about her consistency. She is like a baseball player - sometime she hits a home run, sometimes she strikes out. Thanks for that metaphor. He is right though. CamMac wants her to be Nancy, and says it's not about the delivery [Eh??? WTF??? - Louise]. Stupid CamMac. ALW says he never thought he would sit in a chair anywhere in the world and entirely agree with CamMac, but Jessie has "the sacred flame of star quality". Shame she CAN'T FUCKING ACT. He points out that she hasn't had training - because she hasn't been to drama school because she CAN'T ACT! And then says it will be okay because they have six months to train her before the show opens. What is the fucking point of this show?? [Sun readers today will have spotted that ALW and CamMac fell out last week because CamMac wanted Rachel in the final. Hee! - Louise]

The Nancys go to meet Liza Minnelli. She takes the piss out of Jodie's accent. Oh, we're not going to see the VT now, we're back to the studio, and Norton is with Bullseye and the three Olivers. The boys are going to perform with a Nancy each, apparently because they have "chosen their favourite". Mysteriously, that has worked out evenly - Laurence and Jodie are singing Getting To Know You first. There is some bizarre choreography where they throw their legs into the air. Jodie is Maternal. Afterwards, she gets to talk to the camera, and she says that she has the motherly instinct and the oomph to perform Nancy "as a woman". Awww.

Now, Sam and Harry are going to sing Singin' In The Rain. They have prop umbrellas. It is difficult to work with props, as we know. Harry sings out of the side of his mouth. WHY, GOD, WHY? [Ghastly. No chemistry. Sam could barely look at Harry. Bring back Chester. - Louise] [Agreed. This one was painful to listen to. - Steve] Sam gets to talk to the camera, and says she is the right girl for Nancy, she has taken all the criticisms on board, she has a raw edge, and she won't let us down.

Jessie and Gwion are singing Truly Scrumptious. OH MY EYES, MY EYES. Ewwwwwwww. There is inappropriate touching and too much skirt-swishing. ZOMG and a piggy-back - and THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD. Why are you clapping a piggy-back, you fucking morons? And HAND CLAPS. Oh, I can't look any more. Rachel is in the Nancy bleachers, crying presumably with horror. Or maybe she poured acid in her eyes in an attempt to stop looking. Jessie says she has been on a journey, and has journeyed into the very heart of Nancy. Drink and drink, kids. CamMac says Jessie and Gwion were the best ones. He is wrong. ALW agrees. He is also wrong.

Time for a reminder of all three Nancys' performances: Jodie was awesome, Samantha was dead behind the eyes, Jessie looked vaguely confused and did nice singing but bad acting; all the duets were pretty terrible, but Jessie and Gwion were truly awful. The lines are still open.

In a moment, the Nancys are going to sing 'Maybe This Time', having been coached by Liza Minnelli, an old friend of Andrew's. Jessie calls it an "opportunity of a lifetime to sing in front of Liza Minnelli". Yes, just to meet her would be nothing. Liza tries to teach Samantha to act. "Yes, you will! You will win!" Hee. She stops Jessie fairly quickly to teach her to enunciate. It's not working. ALW tells Liza that Jessie's comfort zone is that sort of material - would be if she could pronounce her Ss. Liza tells Jodie it has to come from inside, which she did, because she knows more about that kind of emotion, and she is "just wonderful". Jodie cries, and says "that woman" is fabulous. Liza observes that "it's hard when they're all up for one part". No shit.

For 'Maybe This Time', the Nancys are wearing white tassley dresses, for no apparent reason than to make Jodie look awful. Good shoes though. Jodie goes first, and inevitably Jessie gets the money note. Then, after the key change - drink! - she shouts to show us how emotional she is. The audience is going crazy. Jodie, naturally, is the best one.

OMGZ! THE LINES ARE FROZEN! One Nancy is about to be gone for good! But first, Lee Mead, who knows what the agonising wait for the results is like. He is singing 'Any Dream Will Do', with accompanying Olivers. We're quite bored with this song. I, for one, want to hear 'Paint It Black'. [Whereas I for one would rather disembowel myself than have to sit through his insane overrated jazz-handsy rendition of that song one more time, but different strokes for different folks and all that. - Steve] He has golden shoes - they must be the Barrowman's Leading Man Shoes, we conjecture. Lee shows Jessie how to do hand movements. We heart Lee Mead. Lee says that the Nancy who wins will have "a lot of hard work" ahead of them - more for some than others, though. Graham asks who his money is on, and Lee backs Jodie! Hoorah! Then Lee has to go back to his theatre - "Go, go, go Joe!" quips Norton. Hee.

More VT filler. We see Sam's mum, who is black - who was expecting that? Have they been hiding her away so that the racialist British public didn't vote her off? Other than that, all their relatives cry and stuff. Blah.

Here are the results. One Nancy will be voted off in, like, 20 seconds. Jessie could still be Nancy. The rejects hug her. It's between Jodie and Sam for the final place...and the Nancy in third place, and out of the competition, is Samantha. Awww. She is lovely, and beautiful, and has a gorgeous voice, but it is not really a surprise, is it? Jodie screams, and hugs her mum and a gay who is wearing a Team Jodie t-shirt. Sam witters inanities, and Barrowman cries and gives her a standing ovation. ALW says this is the result he was expecting. The audience boo. Why? "Sammy, I think you did wonderfully well," he says.

So Sam and the final two sing us out, and Jessie and Jodie fumble taking the locket off. Shockingly, Jodie then bursts into tears. It's a good sing-out, but now, bitches, it is time to vote for Jodie. 0901 121 2001. We'll be back in a bit for the results.

Results show

Welcome back, bitches! Hopefully you have all been using the last few hours profitably and voting for Jodie. Now they go head-to-head for the role of a lifetime, but who will walk away as Nancy? Fingers crossed for Jodie!

Earlier tonight, Samantha went out - not a surprise to anyone, to be fair - and backstage she says she is disappointed, but Barrowman tells her not to let it knock her back, bless. Usual stuff about it being an amazing experience.

As though it were necessary, Graham welcomes back the panel. For some reason, ALW's music changes to Snap's 'The Power', which coincidentally was probably in the charts when he last had a good musical in the West End. Quick reminder of what happened earlier - vote Jodie, 0901 121 2001. Backstage, she says she will fight for it - that's a fight we'd like to see. Jessie can't believe she's in the final two - neither can we. She says she believes 100% that she can go all the way in the competition.

Graham speaks to CamMac about Jodie and Jessie. He says "the winner is me, because I'd be happy with either of them". Except Jodie, who he hates. He says Jodie would be traditional, Jessie would be raw, which: if he means talentless, that would be correct. ALW reminds us that Connie sang 'As Long As He Needs Me' in the final of Maria, which is what Jodie and Jessie will now be singing.

Jodie goes first, and I'm not sure what she makes of the key change because the studio audience are too busy going mental and drowning her out. Also, they're not getting to sing the verses. Jodie's fiancé cries. Aw, he seems lovely. "Ash long ash he needsh me," begins Jessie, and she continues with her usual Cockernee accent, shouting to convey emotion, and flapping her arms around like an epileptic penguin. [Jessie's Cockney accent is actually improving, to give her credit, and given that she'd have about five months to work on it even before rehearsals begin, I think she'd be able to pull a decent one off in time for opening night. Her limited emotional repertoire is still a problem, though. - Steve] On the last note, she leans backwards and almost falls over, but Barry and CamMac are delighted. For fuck's sake. ALW says nobody could sustain the intensity that Jessie just showed. Sigh. [That'll be the intensity of Awfulness, then - Louise]

This week, there have been special Nancy events across the country, but we don't get to see much of that. Instead, we get to see the reject Olivers and Nancys sing Never Forget, presumably because it is from the Take That musical ["musical" - Georgi] Never Forget. The Nancys strut down the stairs, and various pairs of breasts are wobbling about all over the place. Sam sings the line about it being someone else's dream, and Ashley appears to kick her as she takes her place next to her. They end on a really fake group hug, and that was excruciating. Yet again, Barry and CamMac look delighted.

Madeleine and Marty are Jodie's parents. Her mum says she is a Northern star, and it's now her time to be a West End star. [It did not sound scripted At All. - Georgi] Then she cries. I don't catch what Jessie's parents are called, but the mum manages to shoehorn in a reference to them being FROM IRELAND. Gosh.

The lines are closing in a few minutes. VOTE JODIE. QUICKLY.

The Nancys have one final chance to impress us with the song from the series they think can win it for them. Jodie has chosen 'I Have Nothing', while Jessie predictably has gone for 'The Man Who Got Away'. Jodie is on first, perhaps trying to prove that she isn't cabaret-with-a-small-c. Carrie predicts a key change, and fills our glasses just in time to Drink! Jodie just does emotion (all kinds) much better than Jessie, probably because she has the requisite life experience. She looks like she's about to cry at the end. Her fiancé is crying, awww.

Jessie's dress has a weird one-shoulder thing going on. When she sings "got away", she looks over her shoulder, to demonstrate what she means. Thanks for that. Her enunciation is as bad as it ever was, and she is shouting at us again. Apparently that and breathiness are all you need to communicate the whole gamut of emotions. Sorry, but HAAAAAATE.

THE LINES HAVE CLOSED! The audience boo, which: what? Jodie is about to cry, and Jessie is hyperventilating. The final panel votes are: John - Jodie; Denise - Jodie; Barry - Jessie; CamMac - Jessie; ALW - Jessie. Fuck off. CamMac says that Jessie "is Nancy", suggesting some phone-vote fixing going on. Before the results, time for a look back at the Nancy journey - drink! Dreadful dance routines, ALW having a tantrum, Olivers being adorable singing songs from Bugsy Malone, Laurence, Gwion and Harry winning, Niamh battering Sikes to death, the girls snogging the face off Ben James Ellis in front of their dads, Jessie doing a dreadful accent in an East End pub [and Babs Windsor judging it with her Face of Truth - Georgi]. Aw, it's been a good couple of months. What will we do now? [Pub, anyone? - Louise]

It's time to announce the winner! Blackpool's Jodie and County Kerry's Jessie hold hands and skip down the stairs. Jessie looks like she might be having a heart attack or alternatively an embolism. The nation has decided that the winning Nancy is - Jodie! She goes apeshit, as you may imagine, and the only people who look happier than Jodie are Denise and Barrowman. [I think they high-fived. That was cute. - Steve] ALW looks vaguely pissed off. Norton takes Jodie's hand, and she wails at him, throwing her arms round his neck. Jodie thanks everyone for their support, and Barrowman and Denise look ecstatic. ALW says it is the people's choice; CamMac says he is thrilled for Jodie. Not so thrilled for himself, obviously. HA! Take that, CamMac, you fucker! Norton thanks the panel, and us, for creating a new West End star. Jodie sings us out, and Denise's microphone has fallen off in all the excitement. The Olivers are gathered together and look really happy. Aw. She's getting to sing all of it, mind, ALL THE VERSES, and Jessie is sitting in the audience weeping. Confetti explodes everywhere, Jodie gets a bouquet, and then she waves her arms manically.

Well, that's it, bitches. Congratulations to Jodie, and to us for picking a deserving winner. We'll be back in August with The Bitch Factor, and then in the autumn for Strictly. See you then!

Right this way, your table's waiting...

2008-05-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

The announcer lady sooo says, "Which of the Nazis are going through to the final?" She means Nancys, of course, and it's results time!

Norton, yellow suit and blue shirt, Nancys and Olivers perform Food Glorious Food again, Jessie does "hungry" acting. Blah.

Gwion, Laurence and Harry give a big thumbs-up to the camera, and Norton tells us they'll be singing Where Is Love? later. This is the last chance ALW has to save any of the Nancys, and then it's all up to us. VOTE JODIE. The panel are introduced, and CamMac is back again. For the goldfish among us, Norton reminds us again that next week the result is entirely dependent on our votes.

Recap of "last" "night's" "backstage" "action". Rachel was bizarre, forgot her lines in one verse, and did a spot of self-aggrandising improv; the judges were delighted; Rachel was shaking backstage; Jessie sang reasonably nicely, but once again mistook shouting for acting, and Barrowman spoke the truth while Barry Humphries watched some other performance; Jessie says that she performed from her heart (drink!) and seems to be undergoing a Brooke White-esque breakdown [which does lend some credence to John and Denise saying she's not emotionally ready - Steve]; Samantha sang a dreadful song out of key; Jodie was stunning and got slagged off by CamMac. I want him to go away again now. Although I did laugh when he suffixed his criticism with, "That might be what Barry's talking about." Yes, it might be, but who knows? The Olivers sang Tomorrow; Sam and Jodie rocked Jesus Christ Superstar; Rachel and Jessie were a tad shambolic on Buenos Aires. [Dame Barry has been watching a completely different show over the last 9 weeks, in which his role has been to perve over teenage wannabes young enough to be his great-granddaughter - Louise]

Norton says the votes could go any way at all. Jodie says she speaks on behalf of "the girls" when she says it would mean the earth to all of them. Rachel says they've all shown Nancy traits. Norton wishes them all luck, and leads into their mission VT - they've been sent to a miserable Victorian hovel, which still looks a bit clean and spacious for an alcoholic slut and her murderous bit of stuff. Sam is bewildered by the concept of making dinner without a ready meal or a microwave. [Sheesh, someone teach her how to boil a spud - Louise] Rachel says the mission is bringing them closer to the heart of Nancy. LULZ. The next morning, they have to recite As Long As He Needs Me to Barry. He is expecting a Very High Standard. Jessie seems to have developed some kind of speech impediment as she cannot say anything sibilant any more, but interestingly she is still attempting a Cockney accent [and sho shay all of ush - Louise]. Rachel is overwhelmed at having to speak with no piano, but actually just manages to speak the words in rhythm rather than acting them as prose. Barry liked it, though. Jodie looks like she's about to cry, and Barry says it is an emotional performance, but he didn't get the same sense of courage as he got from the others. He felt that Sam was parroting the words at the start, but when she knelt down in front of him (snarf!) he thought it improved, and he thinks it's a very close contest. Well, thanks for that. [proof that he's a dirty old man - Louise]

Now the "fab four" Nancys are going to perform A Hard Day's Night (ha, do you see what they did there?). Rachel and Jessie are in white, Jodie and Sam in black. Jessie keeps watching her feet; Sam keeps moving her eyebrows too much.

Time for more of the Olivers, and footage of the moments the boys were told they had WON, plus ALW and CamMac's comments. Harry is apparently a fantastic actor; Gwion is loveable and very strong; Laurence has a wonderful voice and CamMac reckons it is very emotional when you watch him sing, and he is proud of his journey (double drink!). The three boys sing Where Is Love?, which is a hideous dirge. And Chester's singing is better than all three of these. There is tender applause at the end rather than a proper ovation, and Sam, bless him, is whooping from the bleachers.

Why do the Nancys think they should be Nancy? Well, Rachel thinks she is ready for the part and it is her time; Jodie puts her heart and soul into every performance, and promises to give us 110% (wrong show, sweetheart); Sam says she deserves to be Nancy because she is ready and would make a raw, edgy, slightly different Nancy; Jessie says she would redefine the role of Nancy [She is confusing herself with Niamh, surely? - Georgi] because she is fresh, youthful and as strong as an ox, and ready for NINE SHOWS A WEEK, never mind EIGHT. I want to like her and feel sorry for her, but she makes it very difficult. [I don't know, I'm kind of finding Jessie On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown almost endearing. At least she's funny this way, albeit unintentionally. - Steve]

The judges are asked who is not Nancy. Barrowman says Jessie's emotional content isn't there; Denise says Jessie isn't ready. There is not a PEEP from the audience. Barry says it's an agonising decision, but selects Jodie [too old for his fantasies? - Louise], and CamMac agrees that she doesn't have quite the grip on the role [the fool - Louise]. There is BOOING from the audience. CamMac is proving a real disappointment to me.

Norton explains the concept of the sing-off, like we haven't been watching it for the past billion weeks. He does a Dancing with the Stars-style summary for each contestant - Rachel has worked hard and wants to make her family IN BELFAST proud; Jessie wants to be accepted; Sam's confidence has grown; Jodie has become a serious contender. Pointless tension-building, but here are the results. Jodie could STILL BE NANCY, and goes loopy - bursts into tears, screams, and runs to her mum, bawling and wailing. Rachel is in the sing-off. Barrowman and Denise are holding hands and looking perturbed. Jessie could STILL BE NANCY, and punches the air in a really ungracious and inelegant way. She rushes over to Jodie and they hug. [Are the public deaf? Blind? Or has Eire suddenly acquired a massive phone bill? - Louise] [A very small part of me actually wants Jessie to win now. The panel have made their bed, and now Jessie can lie in it - slurring, pirate arm, inability to dance and all. That'll learn 'em. - Steve]

Sam received the lowest number of votes, making her the LEAST POPULAR NANCY. She and Rachel have to sing Memory, and ALW recommends, and I quote, "What you have to do now is be a star, show that sacred flame a star must show in a moment like this." Right, that's really helpful. And AGAIN the key has been bumped up a bit for them. To be honest, I prefer Sam's voice, but Rachel certainly acts this better. [Definitely. I thought this was the most impressive Sam's voice had ever been, but she just looked like she was reciting a shopping list. Rachel was acting her little socks off. - Steve] ALW doesn't appear to be watching or listening, just sitting in his chair looking really pissed off. There's a key change into another key that this song doesn't use. Sam sings the last line by herself, complete with huge camera close-up.

Norton reminds them that only one of them can go through. ALW says it is a devastating moment and yabbers on about Cats being the first show he did with CamMac. [Doesn't he also say that 'Memory' is sung by a young cat to an older cat, when actually it is the other way around, thus proving that he doesn't even have a clue about his own fucking musicals? - Georgi] He says Sam has everything ahead of her, and Rachel did a fabulous performance of Cabaret. He is thinking about where CamMac is ultimately going to go with the show, and then stutters a bit, before saying he's going to save Samantha, who seems surprised, thanks him, then runs off to hug Jodie and Jessie. Rachel says the three finalists are all amazing, and they shout back that they love her. Aww. [Looks like she and Sam have resolved their differences, then. - Steve] ALW says he knows she has a huge career ahead of her, and Rachel thanks the panel and everyone in the world.

So she sings us out, and this is certainly the most-acted version of this we've seen, though she does stray into arm-flinging slightly too much for my tastes, and then proceeds to distort her own vocal by singing the last three bars in a high-decibel chest-belt. [Aw. I hope someone casts her in a West End show, I think Rachel's ace. She and Sarah were the only people who genuinely managed to give me chills during their respective sing-outs. - Steve][Here's betting Rachel is the "safe pair of hands" they call to fill in when Jodie wants to go on holiday. - Georgi]

Next week's the final, bitches. Join Carrie and Georgi for liveblogging and vodka [in no particular order - Georgi] for the final time this series!

Just a little bit of starrrrrrrrrrrr quality

2008-05-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

Ninth live show: 24th May 2008

We open with the usual scenario: Graham trooping along the indoor balcony to the strains of 'Consider Yourself'. Norton Suitwatch: Scarlet with red piping and a purple shirt. I've seen worse. It's the semi-final, and our four remaining Nancys will be fighting it out to land a place in the final, and the three Olivers who will alternate the role in the West End will be crowned. I for one can barely contain myself! The Nancys and Olivers perform 'Food Glorious Food'. Jessie appears to have gone to the same "displaying signs of hunger" acting class as Joey Tribbiani. Jodie's still the only one with any kind of maternal relationship with the kids. For some reason, the Olivers who didn't make the final eight shortlist are still performing, but the previously eliminated Nancys have not come back. I don't really understand the logic there.

Graham reminds us that this is Andrew's last chance to save a Nancy (read: last chance to eliminate someone he really doesn't want to win), and the prospect of the voting audience picking the wrong girl for the part is weighing heavily on his mind. I'd feel sorry for him, but he was singing Jessie's praises as loudly as the rest of the panel until a couple of weeks ago, so no dice. Tonight the expert panel have been joined by Sir Cameron Mackintosh, future boss of the winner. About time he had some say in the proceedings, really. Cameron is the only member of the panel who doesn't bow to Andrew, interestingly. [Perhaps he has some semblance of self-esteem and doesn't feel the need to prostrate himself in front of someone who hasn't written a decent song in 20 years. - Carrie] [Funny, could have sworn I saw CM do a very toned-down version of ALW worshipping. While the Olivers hammed it up embarrassingly - Louise]

Since there is still no clear frontrunner (the show's words, not mine), Andrew invited the panel over for crisis talks to discuss the remaining girls [similar to the judges' secret dinners on Dancing on Ice - Carrie]. Cue montage of feedback where no names are given, but we hear such phrases as "awkward when she moves" (Jessie, presumably) and "it would be a disappointment for this show if she didn't go through" (Jodie, hopefully). Cut to Andrew lecturing the girls, telling Rachel to sing from the heart, Jodie to tone down the cabaret-with-a-small-c, and Samantha to believe the words. We don't see what he says to Jessie, but we see footage of her emoting with her arms while Andrew tells the camera that she has a great voice, but he's not sure about the rest of the package.

Back in the studio, Graham asks Andrew what the girls need to do in the semi-final. Andrew says he needs to deliver Cameron a star, but he was worried about finding "the bland leading the bland", which is why he went to work with the girls. Cut to reaction shot of Jessie, Jodie and Sam, which means Rachel's obviously on first. He says the question will be for him whether he can get the girls to deliver for Cameron tonight the same standard of performance they gave him during the week. If they do, he says, he'll have serious trouble "tomorrow night" deciding who will go home. Graham asks Cameron if he's been having sleepless nights, and Cameron says he always has that problem when he's opening a new show, but he thinks these girls have been excellent so he isn't worried. He adds that he's always looking for a raw, untried Nancy (aaarrrgh) and that the public need to pick someone with great star potential who can play opposite Rowan Atkinson in six months' time.

Seven minutes into an hour-long show, and no one's fucking sung yet, but finally we're ready: Rachel will be singing first. Rachel's VT tells us that she is singing from her heart, and it's hard for her if people don't feel that. Rachel cries. Rachel says that everyone has their favourites, she just hopes she can still be one of them. Andrew says he has no worries that Rachel can keep the curtain up (I didn't realise we were recruiting for stagehands) and Cameron agrees, but he's concerned that Rachel is yet to deliver a performance that blows the audience away. Denise disagrees and thinks Rachel did that when she sang 'Beautiful'. Barry thinks she's giving it everything, and doesn't see there's another dimension to reveal.

Rachel is singing 'Cabaret', and has dancing boys. She sings the intro in a very clipped, breathy way which sort of works but is a rather brave choice, given how easily it could've backfired. The performance is quite awesome, however: you can tell she knows that it's do-or-die this week and there's this steely all-or-nothing determination in her eyes which frightens me quite a bit. She really belts the middle eight and changes "I'm going like Elsie" to "I'm going like Rachel", which does not rhyme but is still hilarious, so I'm going to let her off. [To be fair, the lyric makes no sense when you cut out the verse about Elsie anyway, so I'm not sure it really mattered. - Georgi] The whole thing is bizarre, but fabulous, and persuaded me to vote for her twice last night. There's a tint of darkness to the whole performance which I like, as well, though I'm not sure how receptive your average BBC1 Saturday teatime audience will be to that. At the end Rachel is out of breath and jokes to Graham that she doesn't think she could do that every night, which is essentially Rachel handing the panel a rod to beat her with. [I really, really didn't like this performance at all. Incidentally, about an hour before Rachel sang this, I saw Amy Nuttall sing it in London's Trendy West End production of Cabaret. Neither Rachel nor La Nuttall hold a candle to Minnelli, obviously, but still, Nuttall outsang and outacted Rachel, who's taken on Jordan's air of utter desperation, by a country mile. - Carrie] [I also didn't like Rachel's performance, it stank of desperation to me. And if she's out of breath after one song, how the hell does she expect to get through eight shows a week? - Louise] [I loved it. The first time she actually seemed to have energy and not be dead behind the eyes.-Joel][I have to go with the boys on this one - I think it's the first time I've actually enjoyed Rachel's performance. And Cabaret does have an air of desperation about it. - Georgi]

Denise is ecstatic and tells Rachel she was fantastic, and that they all gave her a standing ovation, because it was everything they wanted from their leading lady. Barry says that Rachel was the best performer on the mission they did this week working in the West End, and she was a star tonight. Barrowman says it was RACHEL RACHEL RACHEL (is that the new Judy! Judy! Judy!?) [DRINK!- Louise] and tells her that she is an actress who can play any character, and he wants to see her in the final next week. Cameron says that she infused the song with her personality and rose to the challenge, and he would love to see her as Nancy. Graham points out that Andrew led the standing ovation, and Andrew discusses the lyric change and how he couldn't find a rhyme for Rachel because he's not a lyricist (of course Phoebe Buffay has already established that there are no words which rhyme with Rachel, so they would've been wasting their time anyway), but he says that it's great to see her come through like this and says he's proud of her. D'awww.

Cut to the three remaining Nancys, and Jessie is obviously next because she's got changed into a sparkly silver number. Way to ruin the element of surprise, show. We see Jessie's underwhelming butch performance from last week, and Jessie says that she's frustrated with herself. At the crisis meeting, Andrew says he believes Jessie has star quality (or starrrrrrrrrr quality, given that she's a pirate) and that 'The Man That Got Away' was the best performance of the series (cut to Jessie waving her arms around in middle of said performance in order to convey "emotion"), and Cameron says he'll never forget her singing 'As Long As He Needs Me' in Andrew's sitting room. John Barrowman, who is on my side [and mine! - Carrie] throughout tonight's show and I love him for it, says that they must be on different pages because he finds her awkward. Denise says that she's emotionally fragile, John counters that she's emotionally NOT READY. Hee. Cameron says that what frustrates her is that she knows what she wants to do and hasn't figured out how to do it. And, well, isn't that pretty much the distinction between someone who can act and someone who can't? Andrew says that it's about her proving that she has the ability to "really bust through again". Ewww.

Jessie is singing 'What I Did For Love' from A Chorus Line in the weird, over-plummy voice she does to hide her lilt, but it's still there on the line "the sweetness (h)and the sorr-ooorrrrrw". I note with interest that Jessie is sat down for this performance with her hands in her lap, presumably to avoid arm-emoting. The singing is great, I'll admit, and she's done a fair job of getting the right emotion behind it, but the expression on her face is fixed throughout at some combination of disbelief and affirmation, which isn't really right for this song. She gets angrier and angrier as the song goes on, which is an interesting (read: wrong) acting choice and gets up in the middle eight to wave her arms about. Sigh. The Co. Kerry accent seeps in as the song goes on, too. The song ends on a close-up of her face as she shouts about what she did for love, and it's hilarious, but not in the good way that Rachel's performance was hilarious. [Also, they don't put in the key change. Why sit someone down if they don't get to stand up at the key change? Sigh. - Carrie]

Graham asks what's going through her mind now that she's so close. Jessie says that looking back on her journey (drink!), she's from a small town in Ireland (drink!) and she was rejected from drama school twice (liver failure!) and is now so close to victory. Just for the record, I was rejected from drama school twice too. Know why? Because I can't act. Something Jessie might want to have a think about, is all I'm saying. John says it was a good vocal, but it bored him a bit and the emotion wasn't really felt because she was indicating "with the same old Jessie-isms" and he's not convinced she's Nancy. Jessie asks "what can I do to excite you?" and John attempts to reply before the audience all start giggling like children and he can't resist quipping "that's a question a lot of women have asked". He repeats that he's not getting the conviction and the emotion behind the words, which: fair point, but she was asking for how to improve, and it would've been nice if he could've told her what she should've been doing rather than what she shouldn't be doing. [I don't think Barrowman actually knows, to be fair, which is why he's not a director, but it makes one wonder why he is a judge. - Carrie] Barry disagrees strongly, and claims Jessie has an "emotional directness" and calls the performance "heartfelt". Denise thought it was a heartfelt performance but thought it was too aggressive and tells her to stop it with the arms already; John agrees that that should've been fixed in week three. Except in week three you said she was flawless, John. I don't mean to keep on about this, but the panel only have themselves to blame for not nipping all the Jessie-isms in the bud in the early stages. [I can't help but feel that Barrowman's aggressive anti-Jessie stance over the past few weeks is encouraging people to sympathy-vote for her, much as I agree with him. - Georgi] Graham asks Cameron if he can see her playing Nancy, and Cameron kind of sidesteps the question, but says that she did a number on a song which "doesn't have a lot of narrative drive", apparently, and I think he says she "kicked arse" at the end of it, and (a) can you say that at this time of day? and (b) it's a long time since I've seen A Chorus Line, and it's not a show I particularly like, but I'm fairly certain 'What I Did For Love' is not really a song about kicking arse. [Depending on the way you read it, it's about a woman talking about her lost love, whom she had to give up because of ZOMG their conflicting desires, or a woman talking about her love of performing and having to go right back to square one simply because she doesn't know how to do anything else. - Carrie.] Jessie exercises her right to reply by blabbering on (waving her arms, natch) saying that this is her beginning, and she can only get better, which doesn't explain how she's either stagnated or got worse since the competition began. Graham throws to Andrew, who says we need to think about "star quality" and refutes Cameron's assertion that the song has no narrative drive. He says that he didn't need to direct her in this because she decided she wanted to do the performance her own way. Hmm. When Daniel Boys came in last week, did he bring the Bad Idea Bears with him? "The panel's feedback in recent weeks totally implies you don't need direction! Do it the way you think it should be done! YAAAAAAAAAYY!!!"

Tonight there will also be duets of ALW songs, and the girls have been split into Northern Nancys and the Celtic Contingent, which is about as relevant as the old/young split from two weeks ago. In rehearsals, Jodie and Sam seem to be doing well and are determined to shine. They're singing 'Jesus Christ Superstar' and enter looking like asskicking alien warrior princesses. Jodie is putting everything into looking intense, and Sam keeps doing that dip-down-and-weave thing she does every week. On the whole, however, their voices go well together and it's a good performance that reflects well on both of them. Also, Jodie demonstrates to Jessie exactly how you improvise a run. They get a standing ovation from the audience and the panel. Graham goes to Andrew for feedback, but what he says is of little consequence so I shan't recap it. Oh, and Rachel and Jessie's duet will be from Evita, if anyone's wondering.

Now the top eight Olivers sing 'Tomorrow' from Annie. Gwion does that look-straight-ahead-and-bellow thing, Chester's mic doesn't get faded up in time, Kwayedza's voice is kind of shaky but still awesome, Harry can neither reach nor support the high notes, Jonny looks terrified and the final note that they all sing is kind of ropey. Hmm. Not really selling me on the show, I've got to admit.

The final musical task was to see who could hold his own on the West End stage. We get some vox pops from the boys, all basically going on about how cool it is to have got this far. They get some last minute advice from actor, former West End Oliver and former member of S Club Jon Lee. Gwion asks (in a totally spontaneous fashion, of course) if Jon has any tips, and Jon says Oliver isn't an expressive boy so there's no need for big gestures. Admittedly I have never played Oliver, but I'm not really sure that essentially telling them to stand there and do nothing is the best advice at this point. They all sing 'Where Is Love?' individually. At the end, Andrew says there are definitely three Olivers there and they know who they are. Graham reveals the final Twist in the tale: the three Olivers are Gwion, Laurence and Harry. No Chester? What a fucking gip. They all basically express how awesome it is that they won, and how much they're looking forward to being on a West End Stage. Cameron says he's very pleased with his Olivers, and that all the finalists deserved to win. [Chester was ROBBED. Also, bearing in mind they seemed to have transposed 'Where is Love?' down by about a third for Kwayedza, I am wondering if they were worried about his voice breaking by the time the show opened. - Carrie] [How could they pick smug Gwion over Chester? - Louise][Team Kwayedz..oh.-Joel]

Back to Nancy: Sam is next, and we flash back to her good-but-contextually-inaccurate performance of 'Defying Gravity' from last week, and Sam can't believe she made it to the final four. At the crisis talks, Andrew asks "how do you solve a problem like Samantha?" which: wrong show, and says that he didn't expect her to get past round seven. John says she does anger and aggression well, but he's not sure he can do the simple emotional stuff yet. Cameron says she hasn't moved him yet, and if Nancy can't move you, you can't do Act II of the show. Andrew says she has to show her vulnerable side.

Samantha will be doing 'When You Believe' from The Prince of Egypt. Has this ever been an actual musical, or is it just a Disney film? [Dreamworks film. Sorry.-Joel] I'd say it's cheating, but since she was the only one to do actual musical theatre last week, we can sort of let her off. Samantha's face is kind of angry still, but it's mainly tuneful although it goes a bit off near the end [a bit? A BIT? It was pitchy, dawg. And then she didn't know how to fix it and shoved some vibrato in. Ugh. Sam's weakest performance, for my money - Carrie]. Also, you can kind of watch her counting the duration of the pauses in her head which is really offputting. Sam says she's grown throughout the competition, and she didn't originally see herself in the final four. John says he saw some vulnerability - she didn't break his heart, but it doesn't matter because she's a powerhouse performer, which kind of contradicts what the VT was saying. John then compares her to Jessie - Sam's a shark going straight for the role of Nancy, while Jessie's like a fish out of water, flip-flopping all over the place. The audience boos, but it doesn't stop him being right. Ish. Denise thought it was a wonderful performance with a great vocal, and she thinks Samantha has the likeability factor - men will fancy her, and women will like her because she has something so wonderful in her personality, apparently. I'm not really sure where Denise got her doctorate in psychology from, but I do wish she'd explain her theses a little more clearly. [Also, a doctorate in heteronormativity. Ooh, get me. - Carrie] Barry calls her "the bees' knees and the cat's whiskers" and "a star". Cameron says he saw vulnerability at the start of the song, but she lost in on the money notes, and next week he wants to see a dramatic theatrical song from Sam that shows Nancy's hard life. Andrew says the song doesn't lead her to a great acting performance which isn't her fault. Fine, but it is someone's and that someone really ought to be accountable by this stage in the game. There's only one week left now, for fuck's sake. Anyway, Andrew continues that they've got six months between the end of the series and opening night, and he thinks that's enough time for Sam to learn what she needs to learn.

Finally it's Jodie, who loved John's comments about her being his "perfect Nancy" last week, and never thought she'd be in the semi-final. Crisis talks: Andrew thinks she could be Nancy. Cameron thinks she's powerful and fun and the audience likes her, but he wants to be able to believe in her all the time and he can't at the moment. John wants something like 'Send in the Clowns' again where she can do a simple, beautiful performance. Cameron thinks she goes for gloss rather than grit, and Andrew thinks there are lots of people who would pick Jodie as their ideal Nancy. Barry thinks she would be a very good Nancy. John says that they need to pull her back and show grit.

Jodie is singing 'Out Here On My Own' from Fame. Jodie looks really nervous and stands rather awkwardly at first, but once the song gets going she really starts to act with her face. Her voice sounds lovely this week too, aside from one or two slightly iffy notes. If anything, it's a bit too restrained. I don't want scenery-chewing and pirate arms or anything, but television and theatre are both visual mediums, and a bit more movement and/or choreography wouldn't have gone amiss.

Denise has totally lost her shit and says she wants to run up to Jodie and give her a big hug. She credits Jodie for bringing her life experience to the role [because she is ZOMG SO OLD - Carrie] and she wants to see her in the final next week. John says that she takes direction brilliantly and he wants her in the final too. Barry says she has a beautiful voice and she interpreted the song magnificently, but he thought she was too restrained. Cameron also thought it beautiful but slightly "matronly", and wants to hear those gin toddies of Nancy's in Jodie's voice. Andrew tells Barry it was his fault if she was restrained because that's how he directed her, and he thought she was on the button, and that it will be difficult for him to choose who to send home "tomorrow". [And note that of all four, Pirate Jessie with the mouthful of marbles was the only one that no one on the panel said they wanted to see in the final next week... So it's down to you, the public. Vote for anyone you like except her! - Louise]

Final duet: Rachel and Jessie singing 'Buenos Aires', and the rehearsal kind of sounds like a hot mess. Rachel thinks this will play to her strengths as she has a mature voice [except...this song comes at a point where Eva is about 16, no? - Carrie], and Jessie thinks Rachel's professionalism is amazing, but on the other hand Jessie has "rawness" (read: suckitude), and Andrew tells them to feel joyous. Rachel relates it to the sing-off, and says you have to stand out. Jessie says she wants everyone to tell her she's great. Ouch, this performance is not good. I don't think Jessie has ever been slurrier, more piratey, or more sidegobbed than she is throughout. Rachel is better, but I don't think the song suits her voice. Though I will concede that the harmony on "just a little touch of star quality" is fabulous. But yes, if we were judging on duets alone, Jodie and Sam wiped the floor with these two, though I would say that Rachel and Jessie had the harder song. [Transposed up by a fourth or so, though, because neither of them has the lower range to sing it as written. - Carrie][ I maintain that Sam and Rachel duetting on 'The boy is mine' and giving each other hate-face would have been best.-Joel]

Graham says that he loves watching Andrew because he clearly loves his own songs. Hee! Again, Andrew's comment is of no great purpose, so I'll skip over it. And that's it! VT recap: Rachel being terrifyingly fabulous, Jessie shouting about what she did for love, Samantha being kind of boring, Jodie standing very still but singing brilliantly, Rachel and Jessie's dodgy duet, and Jodie and Sam bringing the house down.

"Tomorrow": the Nancys step back in time for their next mission, which sadly does not involve being Kylie, and the winning Olivers perform 'Where Is Love?', and we close with the loser Olivers singing 'No Matter What', and they all look suitably glum. Maybe they'll form a boyband like some of the loser Josephs did? And out on a group hug. Awww.

As long as he Niamhs me

2008-05-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

Titles! Norton (jade-turquoise, brown)! Premise of the competition! Consider Yourself! Shite choreography! Barrowman clapping along! Drink!

I am getting marginally bored of the formulaic nature of this show. [Maybe we need to make the recaps more interesting by picking a random format for the rest of the competition? I'm going to recap next week in Ye Olde Englishe. Perhaps. - Steve]

Oh, for fuck's sake, Norton is talking about YOUNG NANCIES and OLD NANCIES again. Fuck off! [Aye, fuck off Norton, if it was down to age not talent, you'd have left along with the white dot and national anthem - Louise] Barrowman looks weird. *cough*Botox-a-go-go*cough*.

Recap - Jodie had a really difficult song to sing (drink!), ALW didn't know who sang it originally, the cockhead, and he was mean about her dancing, which made her cry; Rachel was dead behind the eyes; Samantha had a fairly poor song to sing and sang it averagely; Jonny was the final Oliver through, and he and the rest of the mob sang S Club 7's Reach very badly; Jessie sang How Do I Live in pirate stylee, and she claims to want to show the judge that every inch of her is a Nancy, snarf; Niamh sang Don't Speak, and Barry pointed out that she's so tiny that the Olivers will dwarf her; reject Josephs came back to do a Dancing in the Streets routine with the ladies.

Yawn.

Norton talks to the girls. Niamh says they're all actresses (except Jessie, who cannot act, which is why she didn't get into drama school), and then snidely apologises to Barry for not being able to grow any taller. Jessie witters on about EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK.

Time to talk to the final eight Olivers. Roll VT! Gwion would love to be a Oliver. Chester is awesome and we love him, and he has his fingers crossed. Arthur is going to try his hardest. Kwayedza talks about the part he has been working for "for so long", which makes me laugh. Alexander is nonsensically posh. Harry thinks it would be amazing, Laurence would be proud of himself, Jonny is 13, and really excited about being picked, and loves Adele, who he thinks would make a good Nancy. Fair point. The final eight Olivers sing I Have A Dream, which is not one of Benny and Bjorn's best, and certainly not when being sung by urchins. However, the harmonies in this are much better than previous weeks. The reject Olivers are sitting with the Nancies and clapping and swaying along. Aw. Poor desperate Jordan leads a standing ovation at the end. Too late, kid! [Hee! He still has to push himself in front of those cameras... Louise]

Comedy mission, because Nancy is a "good-time gal". Phill Jupitus and playwright Nick Reed are the mission leaders. What? I mean, seriously, what? The girls have to get on the stage and tell a joke. Niamh says, "I'm not funny! We could have a problem here!" She flashes her knickers and runs away. [I loved that, but it would've been even better if she'd done an Ashlee Simpson-style hoedown off the stage. - Steve] Rachel fucks up the punchline of hers. Phill says that he liked all five of them before they got on stage. Next part of the mission is to perform a comic scene from the play Life-Coach with Phill, and unsurprisingly Jodie is amazing. Phill reckons her eyes changed, which either means she's brilliant or very sinister. Jessie is boring. [But looks lovely with her hair straightened. Credit where credit's due. - Steve] Rachel was "most realistic". Sam likens herself to Ricky Gervais. Niamh "went further than the words". In conclusion, Jodie was fantastic and Nick would work with her any time, and Niamh was a "real surprise". Phill summarises that "these are talented young women."

Holy fuck, they're going to sing I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair from South Pacific, and they are sitting in wash tubs. Jessie cannot EVEN DO A GENERIC AMERICAN ACCENT. Niamh is shouting too much. Jodie doesn't have shorts like the others, because obviously she is TOO FAT and is given capri pants instead. Barry says Jessie stood out for him [Am I imagining it, or does he pick Jessie every week? - Steve], Denise says Samantha was the star of the number, and John is Team Jodie. ALW says he wished they really were going to wash their hair, which indicates he has some bizarre shampoo fetish, but says he thinks Jodie carried it [which she did because she usually does and if I were Jodie I'd have beaten ALW round the head with that body brush for his Meat Loaf comment - Louise].

Who do the Nancies think should be next to go? Niamh says Jessie; Jessie says Niamh; Jodie says Niamh; Rachel says Samantha; Samantha says Rachel and HER COLD DEAD EYES. [The apparent fact that Rachel and Sam hate each other is endlessly amusing to me. - Steve] Who do the panel should be next to go? John says Jessie, Denise says Niamh, Barry says Niamh. I really love the Barrowman sometimes.

Results! Samantha could still be Nancy. Jodie could still be Nancy. TEAM JODIE! She bursts into tears and cries at Samantha. Niamh is in the sing-off. Jessie could still be Nancy, and looks like she's about to vomit. So it's a Rachel-Niamh sing-off, and if it were down to viewer votes alone, Niamh would be on her bike. The song they must perform is Another Suitcase in Another Hall, which ALW says is a very difficult song to sing, and has some of Tim Rice's best lyrics. Thanks for that. I can really see Niamh playing Peron's mistress in Evita, actually. Vocally I think she's better than Rachel, but acting-wise I'm not sure there's a great deal between them - just a lot of arm-flailing, as far as I can see.

Denise is crying, because she has taken on the mantle of Karen Barber. ALW gibbers again about it being a difficult song to sing, that he would cast Niamh in Evita, and Rachel "warmed into the song". He says he has to save Rachel, who looks gobsmacked. [Note that as Rachel runs back into the Nancy pen, she is hugged fiercely by Jodie and Pirate Jessie while Sam just kind of stands awkwardly off to one side. Hee. - Steve] Niamh says she is a changed person, and thanks the panel, the production team and the other Nancys (except those bitches who said she wasn't Nancy). ALW says a couple of years to mature is what Niamh needs, and she will be up for a major leading role when she's about 20.

Niamh sings us out, and her sister is bawling in the audience, between bouts of shouting, "Come on, Niamhy!" Jodie is still crying. Niamh is hardcore and tough, as we know, and she is not going to humiliate herself on national television, performing with aplomb, but a little less oomph than I'd have expected. Still, good show.

So our five Nancies are down to the final four. And bitches? Jessie had better fucking go next week. [Ideally, next week Sralan will replace Dame Barry on the panel and fire Rachel too - Louise]

More cabaret than Cabaret

2008-05-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

Last week, the panel pulled no punches! And the Josephs are joining us this week. There's just two weeks to go until a girl's life could change forever. Who will you choose as your Nancy?

Titles!

Norton macro! Tonight, he's wearing a cinnamon red suit with satin piping on the blazer and a shiny pistachio shirt. The 12 Olivers and five last Nancys sing Consider Yourself. Again. Drink! Pirate Jessie's cockney accent is still rubbish, ditto Emo Niamh's. Jodie looks like she's having a ball.

It's the quarter final today. The big question is will the winning Nancy be older or younger? This is the wrong question again. It's about talent, not age. Or am I in a parallel universe? Plus the eighth Oliver will be selected for the semi final, at which point the three winners will be chosen. Norton tells us again that the Josephs are back for a special performance. We know. You told us two minutes ago. Time to introduce the panel of John Barrowman, Denise van Outen and Dame Barry Humphries. A quick blast of Phantom music to cue in Andrew Lloyd Webber and another tedious round of bowing to his almightiness. Norton warns the Josephs not to cry.

A VT of the last five Nancys. Rachel says, “I believe I should be Nancy.” Jodie says Nancy has to be gutsy, so it can't be Sam as she's too young. Sam retorts: “I can bring an edgy modern difference to the role. Jodie is not Nancy.” Niamh's also not betting on Jodie, who is “stereotypical”. She wants to redefine the role. [FUCK OFF. - Carrie] Pirate Jessie: “I have the stamina and passion to do eight shows a week.” (Yes, but you can't act and you mumble!) Cripes! It'll be handbags at dawn at Nancy School tomorrow.

ALW can't see a front runner. Jodie is a big warm-hearted cockney type. Rachel is a great pro, she'd be a safe pair of hands. Sam has an extraordinary quality, but has not yet shown vulnerability. Jessie has star quality but can Nancy be Irish? [NO. - Carrie] [Why should she even have to be Irish? I refuse to believe anyone is incapable of doing a broad Cockney accent that is generally acceptable to the average West End audience, and I include both Jessie and Dick Van Dyke in this statement. - Steve] Niamh has a great voice but he's not sure she can do eight shows a week.

Jodie's first up. She's dancing this week so we get to see a VT of her being choreographed, then another VT of BBC regional news show NW Tonight, which is filming her support in Blackpool, where she gets a thumbs up from the mayor. Jodie's singing “Holding Out for a Hero” and she has dancing boyz! [As opposed to Rachel, who has Daniel Boys. Sorry, I know we're not at that part of the show yet, but I just couldn't help myself. - Steve] But we're not really seeing much dancing from Jodie while they twirl in the background. It's a strangely flat performance, her voice seems a bit thin.

JB: “you can handle the role. You proved you can move. A perfect Nancy.” The Dame comments on Jodie's very warm and mature performance. DVO says “fantastic performance. You had your breath under control. It was perfect, spot on.” But whoa! ALW says the choreography was Meat Loaf [and seems to be under the impression that it was a Meat Loaf song. For FUCK'S SAKE. What did Lloyd Webber do in the 1980s after he'd written Phantom? Just sit in his theatre and count his cash? - Carrie]. JB has a go at ALW in support of big girls. Hurrah! We know Jodie's no size zero but this is not Britain's Next Top Model. [Also, Barrowman, wouldn't it have been more supportive to point out that her dancing was not shit, rather than implying that it doesn't matter if it was? - Georgi] [Perhaps I wasn't paying close enough attention, but I didn't see anything in ALW's comment that was necessarily calling Jodie fat. And Mr Barrowman, stop reminding us of that hideously offensive Mika song. - Steve]

Rachel is up next. She whines that Barry's comment last week about her being an understudy was a kick in the teeth so she was grateful to get through. Well, get this, Rachel, you need to be able to take criticism if you want to be on stage. Cut to a VT of people on the streets supporting Rachel who make nice comments about her and ignore her previous bad performances. She's doing “I Will Always Love You”. This is a big number power ballad but her voice seems to have disappeared down a mouse hole. Oops, no, there it is, briefly, but her diction seems to go when she cranks up the volume. Dull.

The Dame comments Rachel was very nearly a leading lady but he's still unmoved. The audience boos while he says she has an emotional ceiling to break. JB disagrees, it was a leading lady performance and he would be proud to star with her on the West End stage. He wants to see her back next week, the fool. I wonder if we just watched the same Rachel or if he's been eating alien meat again. DVO: “Rachel should be in the semi-final but I understand what Barry means. You are guarded and lack warmth behind your eyes, which alienates females.” [Why just females? What did that comment even mean? Stop talking out of your arse, Denise. And stop stealing your comments from internet messageboards. I suspect you're paid enough to think for yourself. - Steve] ALW: “I saw warmth, you communicated the lyric to me. But I want to know who you are, let's see Rachel.”

Third on is Samantha. She's off to meet Idina Menzel who was in the original cast of Wicked on Broadway because she's going to sing “Defying Gravity”. The VT shows her being tearful and exchanging hugs. Drink! I haven't seen this musical and don't know the song but she delivers a strong performance. We see ALW hitching his trousers up with a blank look on his face. Samantha gets a standing ovation from the Olivers. [I really thought this was a weak performance. But then I don't like the song particularly. - Carrie] [I do like the song, and I thought it started weakly but got a lot better. All credit to Samantha, I didn't think her voice was up to this song, but I thought she pulled it off very well. - Steve]

JB: “You delivered vocally. Your star is rising. You are so confident, but you can be a bit samey. I hope you're here next week.” The Dame says, “Please Sam, can I have some more?” and that she sang a great hit magnificently. DVO is very happy, she saw light and shade and Rachel should take a leaf out of Sam's book. Hee! ALW: “You must make choices off stage and you did so tonight. You are not quite yet Celine Dion but only because you are not mature enough yet. You are very secure in how you move, the best mover of the last five. I want to see you in the semi.” [But if you are on the West End stage, you don't get to decide what songs to sing - duh. Still, I commend Sam for being the only Nancy to choose a song from a musical, which is what I would do if I was trying to prove that I could be a West End Leading Lady. - Georgi]

We get another quick VT of the Josephs, in which Jodie yelps it was the highlight of her week. Then it's time to choose the last Oliver for their semi-final. Cameron Mackintosh says they all deserve to be on the West End stage. The Oliver/Dodger relationship is so important, so they get an Acting mission with a boy called Daniel who's working in the West End. Norton was mumbling here so I didn't catch the details. Anyway, Sam is rubbish and for a moment when Cam calls him out I'm seriously worried he's going through. [My living room briefly transformed into that scene in The Phantom Menace where Liam Neeson dies: NOOOOOOOOOOO! It was in slow-motion and everything. - Georgi] But phew! It's just to say fat chance... It's Jonny. He gets his cap and rates Jessie as Nancy. Pah. So, Sam, Jordan, Gareth and Joseph all get the boot and are now condemned to life of teenage boozing as they try to cope with failure. Hee! We get a pukesome VT of their highlight moments, then all 12 sing “Reach” by S Club 7. This is quite the mostly ghastly group singalong by the Olivers so far. No one stands out, their voices are thin. Did no one rehearse them? [I did enjoy the bizarre key changes - DRINK! - though. - Carrie]

Pirate Jessie concedes she was pants last week. She goes all gooey over her family on the VT. Yuk. I love her maths – she has twigged that five girls are fighting for four places. Like, duh! Drink! She sings “How Do I Live?” by LeAnn Rimes. We can live quite easily without her as Nancy, actually. It looks as if she is wearing a nightie in a grim shade of acidic lime. Her diction's better tonight but the Irish lilt is still strong – why aren't they testing her on her mockney cockney? I'm not convinced – it's all a bit cabaret for me. [I love how they have realised that her Cockney accent is so shit it's not even worth bothering with, and their only chance is to persuade the Great British Public that Nancy could be Irish. - Georgi]

JB claims he didn't hear her lilt (further proof he's OD'd on alien meat) but he's still struggling to see her as Nancy as her performance has been inconsistent over the weeks. She is vanilla. The audience boos again. DVO: “A good performance, well acted, but you have unfeminine movement. You could be a tomboy Nancy.” Hmm, not exactly a ringing endorsement. The Dame says Jessie touched his heart, but warns her not to take negative criticism to heart, but stay being Jessie. ALW: “You chose a song that I wouldn't have. You need to be more Cabaret (as opposed to cabaret with a small c, methinks). You need to be in a place where you can be in your comfort zone.” DVO interrupts and there's a quick chat over whether she can sing “As Long As He Needs Me” convincingly.

Emo Niamh is on last. She moans about how frustrated she is over the comments on her fragility. “I don't let anyone walk over me.” Cut to VT of Emo playing rugby with the lads to show she's tough. Tonight's she's singing No Doubt's “Don't Speak”. I adore this song so... To her credit, she doesn't do what she did previously and copy Amy Winehouse (or in this case Gwen Stefani) but turns out her own interpretation.

DVO is straight in: “That was not feisty, it lacked punch and you were like a teenager having a tantrum. You might be better cast as Nancy's friend Bet.” JB is unsure that performance would register at the back of the stalls. The Dame says it was gritty but points out that the Emo is physically too small to be playing alongside Oliver and the urchins. It's a major technical issue. ALW: “I worry very much that you are not ready to do eight shows a week. Your voice is not mature enough and you could damage it if you are not ready.”

We get a quick recap of tonight's performances while Niamh dashes backstage to change dresses, then a VT of a whole week backstage to fill up the hour, with clips of the Nancys rehearsing songs and whining about the lack of sleep. Or gloating over blagging red carpet nights out. It's mostly dull stuff but we get a tantalising glimpse of Mission Day but no clue as to what it was. [Am lulzing at the campness of Lewis, and Jessie falling on her arse for no apparent reason and puzzling the hell out of Rob. - Carrie]

Time for the group performance of “Dancing in the Streets” with the Josephs. We get no Lee Mead [but! we do get Daniel Boys! Dancing! And Sam and Ben make a cute couple - Carrie]. There's lots of high energy dancing but the vocals sound flat. Jessie proves again that her dancing is not great. [She spends the routine WATCHING HER FEET, for fuck's sake. - Carrie]

Norton talks out the end of the show, reminding us to vote for our favourite. We get another VT of this week's Mission, which seems to be stand-up as a very hairy Phill Jupitus is sitting in the stalls with Cameron Mackintosh...

Join Carrie for the results tomorrow.

Ashes to Ashley

2008-05-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

Results show: Sunday, 11th May 2008

Graham Norton enters to the familiar strains of 'Consider Yourself'. Suitwatch: yellow with red shirt, by far not the most hideous of the series. The nation has voted and the results are in! Who will make it to the quarter-final?

Quick recapitulation of 'It's a Fine Life', with lots of Cockney accents, arm-waving and skirt-flouncing [and Rachel doing a weird impression of a Weeble while on the staircase - Louise]. Graham tells us that out of the final six Nancys, three have been saved by ALW, "which goes to show that no matter how good you are, no Nancy is safe from the dreaded sing-off". Or, to put it another way, no matter how shit you are, there are still people in, say, Scotland or Ireland who will vote for you. Coming up, we'll see who the Olivers chose as their favourite Nancy this week, and "the Nancys get shaken and stirred for their Bond-style mission". I'm sure it's not half as exciting as it sounds, unless Daniel Craig is stand-in Bill Sikes this week.

Welcome back the panel, who have a "licence to criticise" - ha ha - you know them by now. Mr Webber's Phantom intro music is interrupted by the James Bond theme, and he picks up a toy cat. "Now it all makes sense," Graham says. Does it? I'm not sure. At least he didn't mention Pussy Galore, though [or Oddfeld - Louise].

Here's what happened last night: Jessie was a Fighter, but we didn't realise because we couldn't understand a fucking word she sang. Backstage, she whinges that she's trying her best and "gave it everything, and it obviously wasn't enough". Correct! Now fuck off back to Ireland. Niamh's True Colours came shining through, and backstage she says that in her heart of hearts she knows she's ready, although the Lord has some doubts. Ashley did Cruise-Ship Aretha, and nobody was impressed. Fighting back tears, Ashley says, "If I sing it from the heart and that's cheesy, that's the way I sing it." Yes, and that's also the reason why you shouldn't be in this competition. Next! The Olivers were adorable in their mini-gangsta outfits, though I've no idea what that has to do with the Coke advert, and Lawrence went through to the semi-final. Samantha auditioned for a role in Save the Last Dance 3 with her rendition of 'Survivor', because Nancy is a SURVIVOR, and both Denise and Andrew were loving it. Jodie outclassed everyone again, although ALW criticised her for overacting, and he wants to see her doing some choreography. Rachel was very middle-of-the-road, and ALW sounded disappointed in her lack of connection with the words. Finally, let's not forget the Battle of the Nancys, young against old, with the younger Nancys getting a much better song than the older ones, but all of it causing much snickering amongst the panel.

Graham says it was an explosive night, and notes that Ashley and Rachel got some harsh criticism - did they think there were any fair points? Rachel says she's confused because one week Barry compares her to Georgia Brown and the next week he says she's an understudy. It couldn't possibly be that her performances vary in quality from one week to the next, obviously. She says she's here to be a leading lady, not an understudy. The audience are all, like, "Go girl!" Ashley says it's just as well she's got the thickest skin in the UK - or! if she actually listened to what the panel told her and took their notes on board (drink!) instead of just carrying on how she is because that's just how she does things, maybe she would still deserve her place in the competition? I'm just thinking out loud here. Oh, sorry, it shows that she has "the true fighting spirit of Nancy" - my mistake. Cut to Andrew smiling in a patronising way. He really, really hates Ashley, doesn't he? [And the rest of the nation. Apart from the idiots that voted for her, natch. - Louise]

Time for this week's mission: in the musical, "Nancy takes life's knocks and pulls no punches", so they've been sent on an assignment with Danger Man John Barrowman (no, he really said that) and Bond stunt co-ordinator Dave Foreman. The Barrowman meets the Nancys at some steps by London Bridge, and then does some pretty bad acting (as though he wouldn't stop to give someone an autograph!) and some pretend fighting. Hee! [This is terrific. Danger Man John and the stunt co-ordinator do some pretend fighting, the stunt co-ordinator falls down the stairs, the Nancys scream - and Jodie, bless her, rushes to help him, utterly interrupting the scene. - Carrie] They take a speedboat up the Thames - Nancy probably did that too. The Barrowman points out that EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK, Nancy is going to have to defend herself and throw punches and roll on the floor. I know it doesn't sound much, but apparently it's worthy of stunt training. It's just a shame they don't get to smash glass bottles over Barrowman's head. Jodie confides in us that she "wouldn't want to meet that Ashley down a dark alley". Niamh says that, "You don't need muscles, you just need a good brain." Jessie does some very bad pretending to be punched. [If she needs someone to punch her in real life so she can figure out how it feels, I'm sure I can find a window in my schedule. - Steve]

Now they have to play a scene, and John talks about how he is looking for "a through line of emotion where they come into the scene and carry on until they've left". So, you want them to Act then? Why didn't you say so? Dave thought Jessie rushed everything, and John explains that her problem is that she panics. [At EVERYTHING. All the fucking time. GET RID. - Carrie] The stunt man thought Rachel and Ashley were convincing, but Niamh was tentative. John found it interesting that Niamh missed with the bottle, but followed through and kicked Dave to the floor instead. He chuckles about how we hadn't seen the aggressive side of Niamh. Jodie didn't Act very well, because she was worried that she might have actually hurt Dave with the bottle, and asked if he was alright - d'oh! John thought Samantha "lost her way a little bit", and calls her the least convincing, despite Jodie's collapsing into giggles and running out of the room. John says five out of the six girls did well, but the best was Rachel "because she was strong". Glad we've cleared that up, then.

So, back in the studio and following the theme, the Nancys are performing 'Nobody Does It Better', even though Abi sang it on How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? - a little variety would be nice. It's not like there aren't 20 Bond themes to choose from. [Goldfinger would certainly have been an interesting choice - Louise] At least the Nancys have nice dresses for their group number this week. The song sounds weird sung as a chorus. Jodie gets the line that's probably too low for anyone else to sing. Jessie doesn't seem to want to sing the actual tune, although to be fair she has probably been told to sing it that way, and it was probably supposed to be showy. I know if I were choreographing it, I would have had some pretend gun-pointing in the end pose, but what do I know?

Graham asks John about working with the Nancys this week, and he says it was an eye-opener because "EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK you're going to have the pressure of performing those stunts and doing them with consistency", and it showed him that some of the Nancys panicked and "weren't able to deal with that sort of spontaneity". The spontaneity of a carefully rehearsed stage-fight, obv. Barry says that Jessie stood out for him because he liked the Irish lilt, and he's really at risk of belabouring the point, which is a bad point in the first place. Irish Nancy? DO NOT WANT. Denise says that, "This Basildon Bond" - I think that was a tenuous Essex girl reference - "was drawn to Niamh." The Lord says it's "more like 15 rounds than eight shows a week". Funny, because I'm sure they mentioned before that it's EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK. He thought Samantha was terrific.

It's almost time for the results, but first we get to see how the 14 pence from each call that goes to support musical talent across the country is being spent. On Maria and Joseph, YOUR votes raised £750,000, which was donated to the BBC Performing Arts Fund. Hundreds of talented youngsters are getting the support they need, apparently, including pop stars like Adele. [Query: can we get a refund? - Carrie] Briony, who was Not Maria, has benefited from the fund. Adam, who is Not Joseph, is getting theatre and vocal coaching. He probably needs it. Zoe also was Not Maria, but she wants to thank all the viewers for helping her to train. One question: do they think we care?

Christ, it's still not time for the results. First we have to see which Nancy the Olivers chose to perform with them this week. But will it be the kiss of death, like it was for Sarah last week? The Nancys were forced to justify their existence in front of the Olivers, which is humiliating on every level really, isn't it? The Nancys are all nervous. Jodie says that she gives the best hugs. Niamh says she wants to prove to them that she can be maternal. Jessie says, "We'd have such crack." Or was that craic? Could be either... Ashley says, "In the words of John Barrowman, 'You guys are so amazing! You're fantastic, fantastic, fantastic!'" I'm not quite sure why she thought that impressions of the Barrowman would win the Olivers over, but I'm fairly confident it didn't work. Rachel tries to demonstrate how great she is by telling the Olivers that she "worked with children at Christmas and was voted one of the best". The Olivers confer, sounding like a judging panel of the future: "She really stood out for me", "You could tell she really wanted it", and other fatuous comments. Head Judge Lawrence reveals that the Olivers have chosen Niamh, "because her pitch is really good and she told us how she wanted to impress the judges". Not the best reason in the world, but - HA HA, it is not Jessie!

Niamh and the Olivers are performing 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang', and I'm sure I've heard this one before as well. Niamh isn't interacting with the Olivers very well, frankly, although she's doing her best to look like she's enjoying herself. The Lord disagrees with me, though - he thinks she had "that motherly quality that we haven't seen before", and she led the boys "and it was great". [As my good friend Chris pointed out, Niamh looked more big sisterly than anything, because she simply seems too young - in a couple of years time, she could go out with Kwayedza and nobody would blink at it. - Carrie]

Graham goes through his usual rigamarole of asking the panel who is not Nancy. John says Jessie - hoorah, finally someone on our side, even if it is the Barrowman; Denise plumps for Ashley and her steely gaze of doom; Barry condemns Rachel, who sighs like an exasperated child [tsk! Bad sport showing how pissed off you are with teh panel - Louise]. Finally, it's time for the results!

In no particular order: Samantha could still be Nancy; Jodie looks like she might have a heart attack, but she could still be Nancy; Rachel might be in the sing-off (and I really judge the way they do that - just leave her until later!); Pirate Jessie could still fucking well be Nancy, and she looks very excited because she obviously thought her time was running out. That leaves three Nancys: Ashley, Rachel and Niamh. Aren't these the same final three from last week? I only notice because I remember the selection of primary-coloured dresses. Ashley is in the sing-off, so I think we know what's going to happen, don't we kids? Rachel could still be Nancy, so the Curse of the Olivers strikes again, and Niamh is in the sing-off. The Nancy with the lowest number of viewers votes is Ashley - about time.

The sing-off song is 'Don't Cry for Me Argentina', which was fortunately written by Mr Webber himself, meaning he shouldn't have any trouble judging it. Ashley's at it with her arm movements and overacting again. Nobody really fucked up the vocals, though they did both almost forget to sing the last line. Whoops.

It's down to the judgment of the Lord, who says it was a strange sing-off because you have Niamh, a young girl - lest we forget - and Ashley, who has no notable characteristics, singing a political song about a woman who's giving a speech. Yes, thank you, we don't need the context of the song explaining to us, even by you. He says it was "a bit cynical and odd", and he wishes he'd had acting time with them. But they have been learning from WELM John Barrowman this week - what more can the Lord teach them? Andrew drags it out as long as possible, but eventually makes the decision we all expected and saves Niamh, meaning Ashley is going home. She pretends to be a good loser but if looks could kill... Ashley says she's "proud of everything I've done from day one because no matter what anyone else has said, it's all come from here", pointing to her heart. She really is cheese-tastic, isn't she? ALW says that Ashley was "slightly out of tune", but she does have "a fantastic talent" - Barry would probably point out that she has two - but she doesn't communicate it when she's on stage. He says he would love to work with her one day, and he really does mean it (ha ha), and her students should be very proud of her. Drink?

Next week, the Nancys will be battling for a place in the semi-final, and the last Oliver will get through to the semi-final. Ashley sings us out with 'As Long as He Needs Me' in a Cockney accent, just to prove she can do it, while Jodie is in floods of tears and Ashley is obviously biting them back. Oh, Jessie is at it too. The emotion is obviously getting too much for our Nancys. Ashley copies Keisha and holds the penultimate note as long as possible, and then the Nancys all join her for a group hug.

So, the competition is getting intense. Join us again next Saturday for the quarter-final!

You're gonna be remembered for the things that you say and do...

2008-05-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

Last week! The panel loved Rachel and Sarah, but the public didn't, and Sarah was booted. The Nancys say various things about how tough they are. Niamh isn't entirely convincing. Who will we choose as our Nancy?

Titles!

Graham Norton entrance macro. He's in a blue suit and dingy green shirt. Tonight the gloves are off, because next week is the quarter-final! Barrowman and Van Outen do a little sitting-down tap dance and jazz hands. Tossers.

The Nancys perform It's A Fine Life. Ashley looks really weird when she smiles. Jodie is awesome. Niamh does big eyes. In the chorus, there's a bit where Ashley carries on singing, but nobody else appears to. Not sure what went on there.

Half the girls who are here tonight have been saved by ALW, which apparently means our votes are even more important. I don't really understand why. Tonight will see a battle "by musical trio" - and there's a little introductory VT, with Jodie, Ashley and Rachel in one team against Sam, Jessie and Niamh in the others. It's all a bit X-Factor - dramatic music, no smiles, piercing eye contact with the camera. [Niamh looks so odd in the VT - she's got that Sophie Dahl-esque expression of having just been punctured by a drawing pin. - Steve] To their credit, the Nancys, sitting on their bench in the studio, are pissing themselves laughing at the attempted seriousness of their hair-swishing and head-snapping and staring meaningfully at the camera.

Norton welcomes the panel, none of whom now get bits of their CV spouted prior to their names. Then we have the obligatory late-stage contestant bitching, where the Nancys are encouraged to turn on one of the others and deem her not right for the role. General consensus is Niamh - Jessie says "she'd be better suited to a pop career", Ashley doesn't think her tits are big enough, Jodie thinks she's too fragile; Niamh thinks "Ashley's voice doesn't fit"; and Sam and Rachel don't rate each other [jealous, more like - Louise]. Back in the studio, Niamh looks really pissed off, but then realises she'd better look like a good sport, and smiles.

ALW lists a load of characteristics he thinks Nancy should have, including being warm, motherly and a fighter. The first to try to tick the boxes is Pirate Jessie. She is glad that she got such good comments last week because she wants to be everyone else's competition. In rehearsal, she keeps whining, "I CAN'T!" [I could've told her that weeks ago. - Steve] She's singing Christina Aguilera's Fighter. Srsly, I don't like her anyway, but this is dreadful. She keeps putting a rasp in her voice, mistaking that for passion and power. Her "improvised" melisma isn't so much a vocal showcase, more a series of notes that she's clearly learnt and reeled off. And she sings "T'anks for making me a fighter", because she is IRISH. She keeps bobbing down to the floor and I am worried she will flash her knickers. Key change! [Could somebody please tell me what she is singing about? Because I CAN'T HEAR ANY OF THE WORDS! - Georgi]

Jessie thinks competition and pressure are healthy. John thinks Jessie was defiant, but this is NOT A TALENT COMPETITION, IT'S A CASTING COMPETITION, and quite rightly points out that her diction was rubbish and her accent came through. Barry says it was dynamic and Nancy could easily have been Irish. For FUCK'S SAKE. We have HAD this conversation. Unless you're arguing that she was a GROWN-UP when she emigrated, she has been in London STEALING FOR FAGIN since she was about FIVE. She wouldn't HAVE A FUCKING IRISH ACCENT. Denise doesn't have a problem with the accent, but she does have a problem with the rubbish diction and the shouting. [YAAAR! I be pirate! Ahoy maties! - Georgi] ALW says he thinks Jessie tried her best, but fundamentally it wasn't the right song for her. He then witters on about the census from 1841 showing how many Irish immigrants there were in the St Giles region at the time. Not that he's researched that in an attempt to support his casting choices, obviously. [I'm surprised he hasn't just changed the role entirely so that we're now casting for The Pirates of Penzance. - Steve]

Niamh wants to prove she can mature as a performer. To that end, ALW takes the Nancys to see Celine Dion in concert, so that Niamh can see how to perform ballads and connect with an audience. This week, Niamh is trying to convey 'maternal' through the medium of Cyndi Lauper's True Colours. [Maternal? No. Future pop career? Maybe. Why is she dressed like a birthday present though? - Georgi] It's too low for her, but it's not a bad shot. She enthuses to Norton about Celine Dion. Barry thinks the performance was lovely, as all her work is [perving over her AGAIN, yawn. FFS he's old enough to b e her great-grandfather! - Louise], but doesn't think he can imagine her flying at Bill Sikes in anger. Niamh sensibly says, "How the fuck could I show that emotion with this song?" Barrowman points out a few vocal problems, and says in tomorrow's mission we'll see Niamh's passionate side. But that is a bit late, if we're wanting to know about her ability before we vote. Denise says Niamh is a bit like Celine Dion in that she's little but is a powerhouse in terms of vocals. ALW says that Niamh has inner steel, and it's a question of whether she's ready, and he loves that she always has an opinion and asks about things, and he is sure she will go a very long way, though he's not sure where. Back to Bangor?

Now Ashley and her cross little face. She goes back to see the kids she teaches. I should point out that she does not teach at a real school, she teaches at Stagecoach, the weekend theatre school, but clearly she thinks Beverley's scheme for garnering votes was so very successful that she'll crib from it. She's singing I Say A Little Prayer, and...to be honest, she's not so much Nancy as a poor man's Lady of the Lake from Spamalot - she's all jazz and cabaret affectation, both in terms of her vocal and her physicality, but the difference between her and Sara Ramirez, Hannah Waddingham, Marin Mazzie and even Nina Soderqvist is that while they are ironic in their stylisation, she has no idea that she's doing it. Awful. [Grim - Louise]

We see a VT of Ashley being a bitch to the Nancys' chauffeur. The girls lulz, but nobody else does, really. Denise thinks the performance was cruise ship, and it was like watching a character from Abigail's Party. Ashley is all like, "Maybe that's the way it's come across, but that's the way I am." Then ACT, then, you stupid cow. They keep TELLING YOU what they want from you. Barry says Ashley is indestructible and he has warmed to her over the series, but the performance was a bit casual, and he doesn't think she achieved what she wanted to. Barrowman agrees with Barry, and recommends that if she's back next week, she tone it down. ALW is actually livid and is all "I TRIED to help you. I TRIED to work with you", and then concludes it with, "You just didn't connect with the words remotely this evening. You just have no understanding. 'I run for the bus'? That's what you should take." OUCH.

More filler for the Battle of the Nancys. Dramatic music. Bitching. Trash talk.

Olivers now. They go to the Ragged School Museum in an attempt to re-create that authentic workhouse atmosphere [with an interesting dominatrix schoolmarm type wielding a scary cane - Louise]. The boys keep laughing. Sam looks a bit scared. They eat gruel. Jordan looks like he's going to vomit. Kwayedza tries to butch it out, but fails. Todd Carty is there to give acting lessons and to be Mr Bumble as the Olivers try out the famous line, "Please, sir, I want some more!" Cameron Mackintosh looks very frightened when Carty bellows, "MORE?" at the boys. High praise for all of them, but Laurence is the next one through. He's 11, and thinks he would make "a reasonable, hopefully good, leading man". Bless. He would like to be an inventor. Awww. The boys have picked another Nancy to perform with them tomorrow. He exclusively reveals that it's an Irish girl with brown hair. LULZ.

The boys perform You Give A Little Love from Bugsy Malone, and this is adorable. They have their Mafioso outfits, and some nice choreography, and they're obviously really enjoying it. Kwayedza has himself some really good stage presence. He's still my favourite. [See how much more enjoyable the Olivers are when they get to sing something that was written for kids? Oh, and Go Team Kwayedza! - Georgi] [Sam is seriously scary. He reminds me of a mini Tom Chaplin of Keane. Does this mean he'll be a coke addict by the time he's 14? - Louise]

Now it's time for Sam, who as we know is from the Isle of Sam. Last week she groped boys and wore a pretty dress. This week she has gone to see Sarah Manton, who is the new Baby in Dirty Dancing. [A fantastic piece of casting. She's got Jennifer Grey's nose and everything. - Steve] They have a little motivational chat of coma-inducing tedium and inconsequentiality. Sam is singing Destiny's Child's Survivor. She does a spot of pole dancing. She is wearing a nasty tutu-like dress and back leggings. I cannot understand a word she is saying. Barrowman, on the other hand, can, and thinks that she could do EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK. [I did think, for a similarly wordy song to Jessie's, Samantha did a better job with her diction. BTW, song choice obvious enough? - Georgi] Barry sympathises with the trials of performing in high heels. Denise apologises to her for not thinking she was up to it when they were in Nancy School. ALW gibbers about "Beyoncé Nancy" and admires the range of her chest belt, which he thinks will improve as she gets older.

Jodie is next, and she thinks she tried too hard last week with the stupid song she was given (she doesn't say that, by the way, that's me). She's in rehearsal when the love of her life pays her a visit - not her fiancé, but her dog. Jodie bursts into tears, the dog goes absolutely insane on seeing her, and it's all actually quite cute (it sounds nauseating, I realise, but really, it's quite touching). She's singing Alicia Keys' If I Ain't Got You. She's Acting her little socks off, and it's another top-notch performance from her. Interestingly, they switch to the camera on the other Nancys at the end of the song, and they all look like they're clapping rather begrudgingly. Denise says that Jodie has the voice for Nancy and she loves the way she acts with her eyes. Barrowman says it was a fantastic performance. Barry says it was passionate and beautiful, and he heard every single word of a song he's never heard before. Heh. Jodie beams and says, "I'll teach it yer, don't worry!" ALW doesn't know where to start, but he thinks she overacts and does too much to camera. Jodie takes it on the chin and says, "I was trying to tell you the story, and everything!" ALW rethinks, perhaps considering that he is the last person in the world who should ever offer acting tips, and says that it'd probably be OK on the West End stage and when she has a director. He wants to know what she'd be like with choreography. Jodie assures him that she can move "like nobody's business!" [And does a finger snap and head weave. Jodie is so awesome. - Steve]

Last week, Rachel wasn't all that. Her family say lots of nice things about how hard she has worked in her career and how dedicated she has been, in a style reminiscent to Lee's "ZOMG I am from Essex and I had to WORK to put myself through drama school!" moment last year. Rachel is singing You've Got A Friend. It's all a bit samey and by-numbers, but it's not the most showcasey song in the wide world of music. Denise has a sad face on, and reminds us that whoever is cast as Nancy has to do EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK. She wasn't blown away by the performance, but it was good. Barrowman says platitudes. Barry thinks Rachel is a fine artist, and he knew that song, but didn't think she was really feeling the emotion. He sees her as a fine understudy, not a leading lady. Rachel's fans heckle. ALW says she didn't communicate with the words. Rachel's fans heckle again. She whines about working hard and using the cameras.

Finally, time for Battle of the Nancys. The girls are divided into two groups, for no real reason that I can see, and ALW justifies it by saying that Nancy can be played by a younger girl or an older one. Right. Roll VT - Jodie talks about being a real woman; Sam says the feisty young'uns won't go down without a fight. Snarf. Rachel thinks the younger ones are intimidated by grown-up womanliness. Niamh thinks she is strong and not afraid, and that experience isn't everything, because they have youth on their side. Ashley is fiery and red-headed and FROM SCOTLAND. Jessie claims that she has had to work for her good comments from ALW, and the competition is about freshness and rawness. Jodie says teenagers aren't real women, and that is what Nancy is about. Bored now, can't be bothered to recap the rest of the trash talking.

Jessie, Niamh and Sam are singing Candyman. And...hang on, do they have backing singers doing the harmonies with them? Jessie cannot dance and she can't scat either - it's the same problem as she had in her Aguilera song earlier - she doesn't seem to know what to do with her voice when she has free range with it, and so she has to have her improvisation written down and taught to her. Barrowman is in hysterics. [I did take one thing from this otherwise pointless interlude - in direct comparison with Niamh and Sam, Jessie's voice was weak and her movement was awkward. Why is she still in the competition? - Georgi] [Srsly. When Niamh and Samantha, of all people, are making your voice sound thin, you know you've got problems. - Steve]

Jodie, Ashley and Rachel are singing Man! I Feel Like A Woman - "Let's go, Andrew!" Ashley is sneering and doesn't seem as if she's in step with Rachel and Jodie's dancing. The unison vocal sounds thinner than the younger girls' did. Barry looks a bit puzzled but overall quite pleased. I think Barrowman might collapse from laughing. ALW won't pick his favourite trio because "you're all so funny!" He then says that they're all young, there's no edge to it, both groups were brilliant, and this is the choice we now have to make. Right, thanks for that. Clearly that was a massive waste of time. [WTF was the point of all that? Casting is about qualities and personality and talent, not age. Feeble and pointless - Louise]

Recap - Jessie was an IRISH fighter, like MANY PEOPLE IN LONDON IN 1841; Niamh was just like Celine Dion; Ashley was the Lady of the Lake in Motown guise; Sam didn't have a very nice dress; Jodie was all kinds of brilliant; Rachel was dull but OK.

Lines have already closed as I type this, so sorry if you were relying on us to tell you who to vote for. [A clue for next week: vote Jodie. - Georgi] Tomorrow we'll be seeing another Olivers/chosen Nancy performance, and the ladies will be doing a stunt mission. Join Georgi then!

Que sera Sarah

2008-05-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

Graham enters to the strains of 'Consider Yourself'. I should just write a macro for that bit. ['O HAI! Jessie is be Nancy plz?' - Carrie] Suitwatch: scarlet with red piping, and a green shirt underneath. The whole thing has a faintly misplaced air of Christmas. Graham reminds us that another Nancy is about to crash out of the competition, and Andrew is potentially on the verge of another difficult decision.

The Nancies sing 'Who Will Buy?' once again. Rachel and Sarah are ace, as usual, really putting some oomph into it, as is Jodie. Pirate Jessie looks a bit lost, and is possibly wondering what happened to the gangplank. It ends rather abruptly, with Samantha doing an odd sort of curtsey at the front and looking very much like the star of the show. Lesser writers might scream "conspiracy!" at this point, but not I.

Graham tells us that it's down to us to choose Cameron Mackintosh's leading lady for the West End, because Andrew can only save one girl each week - which rather belies the "it's down to us" idea, if Andrew can override the person gaining the least votes from the public, as he has done on several occasions. Graham reminds us that Andrew won't get a say in the final - it will be entirely down to the phone vote to select the winner. Wow, one whole week of absolute power! You are really spoiling us. "It's a public vote, anything can happen," Graham warns us. "Look at Boris Johnson in London." I'd really rather not, thanks.

Graham introduces the panel, and throws us to the recap of last night. Jodie sang 'Luck Be A Lady', which Denise found strained at the top. Backstage, Jodie frets she tried too hard. I know, it's so hard to imagine, isn't it? Sarah got sandbagged with 'Mr Bojangles' and Barry thought she had limited facial expression. Rachel squeaked the big note of 'For Once In My Life', but got praise from the panel, and is happy backstage. Sam groped her way through 'Sway' and Andrew leered at her. Nonetheless, she was happy with her feedback. The Olivers sang 'Breaking Free' from High School Musical, but were not a patch on Same Difference. Niamh's voice was not up to the challenge of 'They Can't Take That Away From Me', and Barry thought it "intelligent and lyrical". Pirate Jessie formica-ed her way through 'The Man That Got Away', which I didn't even recognise until I read Carrie and Georgi's recap, and got a rimjob from the panel nonetheless, because she is the second coming of Lee Mead and must be praised no matter how awful she is. Backstage, she says was very excited to be onstage and be herself, which suggests that acting is a poor career choice, all things considered. Ashley was, per my boyfriend, a "scary space hooker" with a slightly terrifying rendition of 'Hey Big Spender', which got mixed reviews, as they say in the trade. Backstage, Ashley says, "I don't know what I need to do to please these people!" in a rather pissed-off way which is not becoming at all. Sweetheart, this is an audition. If, at an audition, you find you are not pleasing the person who is judging you, you need to change to suit them. That's how it works. Stop expecting them to change to suit you.

Graham mentions "the curse of the coat" afflicting the Josephs last year, of which I have no recollection, but I'm sure Carrie will know what he's on about. [It's fairly self-explanatory... - Carrie][Which is to say that the Joseph who got to rip the coat from the back of the voted-out Joseph - ah, fond memories - would be in the bottom two next week. - Georgi] This year apparently, there's the curse of Barry Humphries. Which is not, contrary to popular belief, the fact that he's on this show at all. Graham reads a viewer letter and we go to a VT. Basically the theory is that whoever Barry names as NotNancy is in the singoff each week, and we see the clips to prove it. He named Amy in week one, Keisha in week two, Tara in week three, Francesca in week four, and Keisha in week five. And really, that is kind of spooky. Maybe he is serving a purpose on the panel after all. [I would like to note that although Barry was pulling monstrous faces, he didn't come close to being scarier than ALW with a straight face. - Georgi]

Graham reminds us again that Nancy is a gritty part, which is the segue for the Nancies going to the Queen Victoria in east London (no, not that one), where Denise and Babs Windsor will be teaching them all how to be proper Cocknee sparras. The girls first have to do a scene playing a Cockney from Fings Ain't Wot They Used T'Be, and there's an adorable scene of Sarah running through her slang with Babs. Various regulars of the pub tell us that East End girls are tough and take no crap from anyone. First up are Jodie and Sarah doing a duologue: Jodie's Cockney accent is very good and surprisingly understated; Sarah's is good, if less obviously so. Samantha and Niamh are next, though we only hear Samantha speak (her accent is also perfectly passable), so I wonder if Niamh was any good. Ashley's attempt is awful and stagey, and veers quickly from Unconvincing Cockney to somewhere near Adelaide via Mumbai. A bystander claims that Ashley was very convincing, and if they hadn't known she was Scottish, they would've thought she was a real Cockney. I find the veracity of this statement deeply dubious. Jessie's Cockney accent is even worse; Dick van Dyke is watching this and sighing with relief that the worst Cockney accent committed to celluloid will no longer be his. Babs says that Jessie had the emotion, but panicked with the accent. Next, the girls have their acting mettle tested with a scene from Blood Brothers. [That well-known Cockney play, of course. - Carrie] Sarah and Jodie's duologue looks intense and awesome, and at this stage I would willingly pay to see them headline a show opposite each other, musical or otherwise. Denise says Jodie was acting it from the heart, but she needs to see more grit from Sarah. Barbara Windsor says Samantha impressed her from the word go. Niamh (speaking in her native accent) is nervous, according to Barbara. Rachel (in her own accent) is a very strong actress, per Denise, and then Pirate Jessie Mead is apparently so wonderful that she makes Barbara and Denise cry, and herself cry, and people who just happened to be walking past cry with the intensity of her performance. Do me a fucking favour. The pubgoers favour (1) Jessie, Niamh and Ashley (2) Jessie (3) Rachel and (4) Rachel and Niamh. No Jodie? I'm surprised and appalled.

Back in the studio, the final seven sing 'Fings Ain't Wot They Used T'Be' in their best Cockernee accents. Sarah, Jodie, Niamh, Samantha, Rachel and Ashley all do a fair job with the accent - perfectly in keeping with the song they're singing, anyway - while Jessie sings like she has a mouth full of maxi pads. ENUNCIATE, CHOSEN ONE. Graham goes to the panel for feedback: Denise names Pirate Jessie Mead as the best, even though Jessie was transparently the worst. Go figure. John saw plenty of "cor blimey" from Niamh, and Barry enjoyed Jodie. Andrew refuses to single anybody out, and then singles out Pirate Jessie Mead as being outstanding. Seriously, what the hell? I mean, I liked Connie well enough even though she wasn't my favourite, and I didn't care for Lee at all, but at least I understood why they were so relentlessly praised by the panel. This time around, I do not have a clue what they see in the mealy-mouthed arm-swinging side-gobbed girl of thoroughly average talent.

This week, the Olivers were asked to pick one Nancy to perform with. Who did they choose? Roll VT! Harry announces the results to the girls in his best Graham impression. He names Jodie first, and she says "oh, thank you!" before he informs her she is not their Nancy, and I have no idea whether that was genuine or a big rehearsed bit that they were all set to do. Really with Jodie, it could go either way. Samantha and Niamh are not Nancy, neither are Ashley and Rachel. So it's between Jessie and Sarah, and thank every God there is, Sarah wins. Sarah is touched and says she's "weeping like a big girl". "It's like having our Josephs back," quips Graham. HA! Sarah sings 'Together' from Gypsy with the Olivers.

Sarah is really great with the boys, so it's easy to see why they chose her. She's a very generous performer, if that doesn't sound too wanky - she allows them to shine without overshadowing them, while still being awesome herself. In the audience, Rachel is mouthing the words along with Sarah, which is quite sweet. [Or attempting to scene-steal. Whatever. - Carrie] The whole thing goes on a bit too long and has too much Olivers and not enough Sarah for my liking. At the end, Andrew says that he thinks Sarah was having a lot of fun with the boys. Er, so to speak.

Another VT? Jesus. Andrew coached the girls for the singoff as well, which will be 'As If We Never Said Goodbye' from Sunset Boulevard. Jodie interviews that you never really prepare yourself for the singoff, because you really don't want to be there. Ashley agrees that it's a horrible experience. Andrew says it's great for him to have one of his own songs in that situation because he'll know how best to judge it, and hopefully he'll have told them enough for it to make sense for them. Andrew says the decision will be very hard for him. [God forbid he should have to judge the Nancys on a song he did not write himself! How difficult would that be?!? - Georgi]

Graham goes to the panel to ask who is not Nancy based on this week's performance. John names Jodie (wtf?), Denise names Sarah (WTF?) and Barry names Ashley. Graham FINALLY gets on with the results. Jodie is safe and could still be Nancy. She is tearful in a very endearing way, if still very stagey. Samantha is also safe and could still be Nancy. Pirate Jessie Mead is safe, of course, and is probably going to fucking win. Sarah...is in the sing-off. This is entirely my fault because I voted for her this week, and my vote is the kiss of death even more than Barry naming you as his choice to go. Graham invites Rachel, Ashley and Niamh to step down and form a line, but only two of them are safe. Niamh is safe and can hardly believe it, and takes it a damn sight more graciously than Ashley did last week. Ashley is the last one named safe and punches the air as she runs, which is not quite as bad as last week but still kind of lacks class.

So Rachel and Sarah are in the sing-off this week. This does not look good for Sarah, does it? The one with the fewest votes from the audience is...Rachel, which draws gasps from the audience. They are to sing 'As If We Never Said Goodbye', as previously established. Sarah's opening is very strong, and her voice cracks, but with emotion as opposed to the way Rachel's voice cracked yesterday. Rachel's performance is much more still than Sarah's, but equally strong emotionally. Man, this sucks for me because I love both of them. They're both doing an absolutely bang-up job of the song, and are both great in different ways. Aw, man. Why the hell isn't Ashley in this sing-off, eh? The look on Sarah's face at the end is positively heartbreaking, like you couldn't have guessed. The two of them embrace and head over to Graham and Andrew.

Andrew says that having worked with them both, he's deeply concerned about them. He says he's been given "a real googly" tonight, but thinking long and hard, he's going to save Rachel. The applause is appreciative but muted, perhaps out of respect for Sarah. Sarah is a trooper, of course, and says she's gutted, but has had a fabulous time. The audience goes nuts. Graham asks Andrew for an explanation and Andrew does a mea culpa, saying that he wanted her to do 'Mr Bojangles' the way she did, and he thought she did it brilliantly, but he has to think of the producer, and he thinks Rachel is "solid", whereas there were points where Sarah was "fragile". I assumed that was her acting, but what do I know? Andrew says that she did exactly what he asked, and he feels dreadful. [And there I thought that fragility was going to redefine the role of Nancy. How can he justify Emo Niamh still being in the competition after this? - Georgi]

Sarah, God love her, is taking this like a total pro and is not nearly as visibly pissed off as she's entitled to be right now. She's all smiles, very grateful, and cheerily heads off for her singout. My PVR cuts off just before she gets stripped of her locket, but I feel like I owe it to Sarah to trot off to iPlayer to witness the whole thing in its entirety, so that I do. For some reason, the other girls line up in a 4-2 formation either side of her, which looks really weird, and I'm guessing someone fucked up. They also don't sound quite as harmonious as they usually do, which may well be because they lack numbers these days, but I like to think it's because Sarah's not there to be the vocal backbone. Rachel strips off Sarah's locket, and kisses her on the cheek as she does so, which is sweet. The other Nancies are all very tearful as Sarah runs up the stairs. Sarah sings with the Cockney accent ditched by Keisha last week, and really sounds great. The other girls all rush her as she finishes, and with that we're out.

Well, that sucked, didn't it? Fingers crossed Sarah turns out to be this year's Daniel Boys and goes on to be a huge hit in the West End [or at the Apollo Victoria? - Georgi] despite a grossly unjust early elimination.

Ooh, look - it's another Nancy liveblog!

2008-05-03T10:55:00.000-07:00

Carrie and Georgi are here to take you through another hour of bitching, whining and screeching - and that's just from the judges. Welcome to your Saturday night Liveblog!

Last week! Keisha and Niamh were in the bottom two and the Lord threw a wobbly. Hee! This week he's "taking matters into his own hands". No one is safe! Erm, safe from being in the bottom two, that is, I'm not suggesting that Mr Webber is a danger to our Nancys. Who will you choose as your Nancy?

Titles!

Enter Graham Norton, in the de rigeur mismatched suit and shirt, this week lime and tangerine. Eugh. Graham tells us the Lord is angry and he pulls a Nosferatu. The Nancys and Olivers are singing 'Who Will Buy?', yet another song that Nancy doesn't actually sing. There's some terrible camerawork. We still HAAATE Jessie. Key change! Drink! Gah. Whatever.

Graham calls them "magnificent" and then jokes about how they should take the red roses back to Labour central office because they need them. Topical joke - drink! Then he calls the Lord "Angry Lloyd Webber", and then anxious, but his acting's not quite up to it.

Let's welcome back the panel - John Barrowman, DVO, Barry Humphries, as you already know. And "be afraid, be very afraid - Andrew Lloyd Webber". I don't think he can be any more scary than we already thought, to be honest. He says that in the canteen someone called him "the incredible sulk". Ha. Apparently he took them through their acting performances this week. That's good then.

Jodie and Sarah are up first. Jodie says last week she sang notes she had never sung before. Hee! We heart Jodie. She's rehearsing with ALW, and he seems enthusiastic. He wants her to make the song her own. Drink! Sarah got really good comments last week. Andrew is trying to explain the story of 'Mr Bojangles' to her. She doesn't get it. Carrie is bored of Mr Webber already.

Graham explains that the tenuous theme this week is "big band numbers". Hmm. Time for a chat to ALW - filler? They don't usually bother talking to him between the VTs and the performances. Jodie has to "explain to us what luck is" and Sarah has to explain "a figure from the past".

Jodie is first. If someone could explain to me why she's singing 'Luck Be a Lady', I would appreciate it. She looks rather glamorous. She has dancing Boys, who with any luck will doing dice-rolling dancing. And there it is! Drink! Jodie is doing excellent interacting with her Boys. It is lacking in backing singers ("Roll will ya, roll will ya, what's the matter? Roll the dice!"), but another great show from Jodie. Sarah begins in a nostalgic seated position on the stairs. 'Mr Bojangles' is a bit of a weird song for her too. I wouldn't really consider it a big band song, personally. [Sam Nixon did it on Big Band night during Pop Idol 2, but it did seem really out of place tonight. Not that that's Sarah's fault. - Steve] Sarah's dress is nice though. She is dancing when the lyrics talk about dancing - was this choreographed by Brian Friedman? Nice acting at the end. I suppose she made the best of it.

Graham asks if they found anything surprising about working with Andrew. Jodie says that he was "a humble gentleman" and made them feel at ease. Sarah says she feels "lucky because we know how busy you are". Ha! [Yeah, so busy he can fuck off to America to work with the Idols there and utterly neglect the Nancys for a week. - Carrie]

Denise says that they both have pizzazz. Jodie was strained at the top, and it was difficult because it was written for a man, but she sang it better than Ewan McGregor in the West End. Denise thinks Sarah is a great actress and has a "magical quality", but she needs to not overpronounce her words. Barry thinks they both took on board Andrew's points. He says that "jokey Jodie was under wraps", but he thinks Sarah has "a limited range of expressions". Boo! She seems a bit surprised [so was I, but then the Dame doesn't fancy Sarah, I suspect she's too old for him - Louise]. John says Jodie made the song her own - drink! - and has leading lady quality. He says that Sarah had "multiple expressions on her face" - not that he's necessarily the best one to judge. Andrew is concerned this week because he has been working with the Nancys. He wibbles about what luck is, and then talks about how they are playing cards in Guys and Dolls. Yes, that is why they were ROLLING DICE. He says that Sarah sang for TV, like he asked her to.

Now we have Rachel, who Barrowman thought "set the bar" last week, despite the fact she was shit. She was scared to work one-on-one with ALW, who gave her some pointers, which were very different to the way she'd performed it. He doesn't like her top notes - "so what?" he says, and he's got a point. She is going to take it on board. Drink! Last week, Sam had "bags of Nancy attitude", according to Denise. The Isle of Man has been renamed the Isle of Sam in her honour. Seriously. Airport, street signs, everything. What the FUCK? [I have this lovely mental image of boats floating aimlessly around the Irish Sea, wondering where the Isle of Man went. - Steve]

More filler. ALW says that Rachel needs to show some joy this week, and Sam is going to do some choreography. How very exciting.

Rachel's dress is quite nice - yellow with silver trim. She is singing For Once In My Life, and clicking her fingers. She has Boys. She is putting on a really dreadful fake Yankee accent and singing with a sneer, for some reason. [Isn't that just her face? - Georgi] She begins to fling her arms around and do a lot of pointing. The Boys are really, really good. Georgi is highly taken with them. Rachel misses a top note towards the end - I think she was trying to chest-belt it, and FAILED. [Such a DULL performance. Rachel is a one-trick pony who should have been served up in a French restaurant several weeks ago - Louise] [Haterz to the left, I still think she's great. - Steve]

Sam dances with a Boy, she is wearing a lovely turquoise dress, and she is singing Sway. ALW looks delighted with the dancing. [Did you see how she SWAYS? And the song is called 'Sway'? Do you SEE? - Georgi] She is singing with a certain amount of smugness, which is unsurprising, because she is basically groping two very pretty Boys on national television through the medium of dance. The one thing I would criticise is that she isn't managing to sustain any notes at the ends of phrases, obviously because she doesn't have the breath left after the exertion of the groping. Sorry, dancing.

Rachel says it was GRATE to hear concerns from ALW, because she is Not Perfect, and he is brilliant, and she wants to get better and better. Sam laughs about the Isle of Sam, and says it is the most flattering thing that could ever happen. [Except perhaps a fractionally lower hemline. - Steve]

Barry says both of them have what it takes to be Nancy. Denise has to fan him down. He says, "I'm just thinking what island I'd like to be shipwrecked on" [proving yet again that his job on the panel is to leer at the younger contestants - it's not amusing or interesting and none of them would look twice at him - Louise]. Sam dimples appealingly. Denise is excited to see a different side of Rachel, and says that Sam is very aware of her sexuality, and that is what Nancy would be like. Barrowman says that emotional cracking is better than perfection. But that was not emotional cracking! It was poor technique! He tells Sam she was "simply sensational". ALW is proud of both of them, and is glad that he is not producing the show. Then - WHO IS PRODUCING THE SHOW, IF IT IS NOT HIS SHOW?

Graham reminds us that Andrew saved Niamh last week, but now it's time to check on the Olivers. They have been working with the cast of High School Musical [and their choreographer Tara Wilkinson, who once upon a time played Annette in Saturday Night Fever opposite the very lovely Adam Garcia in That West End - Carrie]. Cameron wants to see how they take direction, and the Barrowman just wanted to play too. They're doing a basketball-dance routine. The Olivers say it was "so cool! Amazing!" Bless them. Cameron says it's "important for their reactions". John and Cameron are "keeping a close eye on the boys' moves". I'm saying nothing. The Olivers are performing in from of some other kids. The Barrowman is joining in with the choreography from the bleachers. The Olivers just aren't that good at dancing, bless them.

The next Oliver through to the semi-final is Harry [despite Jordan clearly hoping this would be his week. You can smell his desperation - Louise]. He's 12 and likes rugby, football, cricket and tennis. He is a Martine McCutcheon fan though. Graham refuses to give him a hat because it doesn't go with his basketball kit. Harry says that the Nancys are all great (drink!) but his favourite is Rachel. So, you know, he can fuck off. The Olivers are singing 'Breaking Free' from High School Musical. Carrie is complaining about watching skinny little boys on the television. [Singing a love duet when there are no girls on stage. I felt skeevy just watching it. - Steve] Key change! Drink! Sam is still scary. Kwayedza looks the best in a basketball kit. Hee! That was tedious.

Graham talks to John about "Team Oliver". John says he was impressed and they worked as a team and supported each other. He says if he had 12 pairs of leading man shoes, he would give them all a pair. Except unfortunately he gave his to Lee last year. D'oh.

Niamh has to justify her continuing place in the competition this week. She is, predictably, in tears. She has to prove to Andrew that she deserves to be here, and takes breaths where he tells her. He says that when she's in her mid-20s, anything could happen with her. Emo junkie? Just guessing. Andrew calls her "a real, acting, intelligent girl".

Niamh is singing 'They Can't Take That Away From Me'. She is rather swimming in a curtain-like dress. Nice necklace though. Her voice has a sort of squeaky edge to it that annoys me. I'm just not a fan, sorry. Key change! Drink! Okayish, but it doesn't scream "Nancy" to me. Niamh says she was surprised when Andrew was angry about her being in the bottom two. Denise worked with the Nancys on acting this week, and she thinks she is strong enough all-round to be Nancy, "and the nod at the end said it all - 'I'm back, baby'." Whatevs. Barry thought it was a great reading of a Gershwin song. John says she shouldn't be in the bottom two this week, and he'd buy a ticket to see her. ALW says he feels nervous this week, but she did what he told her. He's concerned though about her age and whether her voice isn't strong enough, but "Barbra Streisand didn't have a strong voice at your age". What the fuck does that have to do with anything?!

Last week, Jessie cried like a stupid teenage girl, which is coincidentally what she is. She goes to sing for ALW wearing what appears to be a hideous tea-towel. He cries, possibly at the ugliness of her dress. He says he is not going to meddle with her. I should hope not.

Ashley looks kind of evil, actually. Clearly the acid of bitterness is corroding her soul. ALW tells her that she is extremely talented, and wants her to sing with naughtiness. ZOMG, this is going to be awful.

More filler - ALW says these are very tough songs to sing and they need to make it their own. Double drink!

Jessie is singing The Man That Got Away, from A Star Is Born, which is my favourite film of ever. She does Acting, and seems shaky on the melody, but she covers it up by singing quieter. ALW looks so happy as she breaks into the bridge and sings long notes and the audience whoop. Oh, fuck off, you slack-jawed pirate bint. Georgi wonders if Barrowman taught Jessie how to stare into the distance in a meaningful way, as she does on the last note. It was less annoying than usual, but honey, you ain't Nancy, and you most certainly ain't Judy Garland, no matter what that cloth-eared peer of the realm tells you.

Ashley looks DREADFUL. Her dancing Boys are lovely, though, but they have horrible suits on. She does a weird thing with her voice - possibly half American accent, and half singing through her nose. Oh, she really has to go this week. Srsly. If she doesn't, then Scotland, we are wise to your tricks and there will be retribution. [Absolute shite yet again from Ashley, clichéd performance and horrible vocalising - Louise]

Last week, Rachel named Jessie as a serious threat in the competition. Jessie plays humble. Yawn. Ashley was really nervous going to work with ALW, and was really pleased she was kept in by the public last week. Yawn. Barry thinks Jessie's was the star performance, and that she has the gift of stillness and purity. He witters on about something Dickens wrote in the third edition preface of Oliver Twist. [Aww, bless, he has been doing Research! - Georgi] He didn't feel that Ashley's saucy looks and coy expressions really worked. Booooooooooo! Barrowman was worried that Jessie might be too young, but he's been a friend of Judy Garland all his life (AHAHAHAHA) and that performance was as good as hers. Or! Not. He thought Ashley did good Acting, and Denise agrees. She thinks that Jessie was mindblowing and gave us the performance of the series. [I had to resist hurling my glass of wine at the telly. - Georgi] [I had to be restrained from hurling MYSELF at the telly in an attempt to throttle her. - Steve] ALW says Jessie's was the greatest performance he has ever seen from a girl of her age. He says that when he works one-on-one with Ashley he sees something that he doesn't see on stage. He would like to get the chance to work one-on-one with her again. Arf.

Recap - Jodie was Marlon Brando and rolled dice, or played cards, depending on what fucking planet you live on; Sarah was chums with a strange dancing man; Rachel clicked her fingers and missed high notes; Sam wore a lovely dress and groped attractive men while swaying; Niamh wore a curtain, which we can't take away from her; Jessie wasn't Nancy, nor was she Judy Garland; Ashley is going this week. Surely. The lines close in an hour, bitches.

The Nancys and Olivers work together all week. Arthur thinks Jessie should be Nancy. He is wrong. Kwayedza tells us Sam eats a lot of chocolate. Heh. He also points out that Rachel is very focused (read: competitive bitch). Ashley tells jokes, Sam plays games. Blah. The boys vote on who they want to sing with them tomorrow. And we will find out tomorrow, when we will also see Barbara Windsor doing an acting masterclass with the girls. Dear God. Join Steve then!

Can you feel the haaaate tonight?

2008-04-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

Titles!

'Consider Yourself', Norton marches on, horrible suit and shirt, Nancys and Olivers standing on stairs - you know what's happening. The lines have closed, and one more Nancy MUST LEAVE. But first we MUST HEAR a sodding reprise of their group number from last night. It is the same as it was then.

Crashing on, then, Norton reminds us of the show's ridiculous premise and voting rules, welcomes Barbara Windsor, welcomes the judges (I really like Denise's dress, and am not keen on Barry's weird duffle-coat-effect jacket)[but his haircut is even worse - Louise], and then we go to a recap.

Niamh was Winehouse, if Winehouse was a bit shit and musical theatre and was liable to weep at negative criticism; Rachel was rubbish but nobody in the studio appeared to notice; Jessie HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE; Sarah was ironic, don't you think; Keisha lost her voice and almost her modesty with her blossoming Nancy; Ashley was cheesy but WANTS TO BE HERE; the Olivers sang a song from 'Annie', because that too is about orphanages, and Alexander went through; Sam did some amazing belting and is happy that ALW thinks she's improved; Jodie was marvellous, particularly on the key change (drink!).

Barry says that EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK is a marathon, and 'Oliver!' is a tough show, and he never took a day off sick, which gets a ripple of applause, for some reason. Barrowman has taken it upon himself to be the ladies' fitness guru, and went through their cupboards and fridge and threw away the food he disapproved of [like month-old salad. What's not to disapprove of? - Louise]. This week's mission for the Nancys is to go rowing, because you need to be physically fit to do EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK. They go to a boat club and meet boys in Lycra, and seem happy about that. Sarah struggled on the rowing machine because she only has little legs. Rachel and Jessie were good. So at least they're good at something.

Anyway, Ashley and Rachel are team captains, and pick their own crews. Sarah is last to be picked and pretends to be fake-sad, when in fact she's genuine-sad. Keisha struggled, but the rest of the girls pulled her through; Sarah got confused; Jodie is unfit and over EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK it'll begin to show. Rachel's team win, but the two captains are singled out as the day's exceptional performers. Rachel refers to her crew as Team Tucker, the stuck-up bint.

Oh dear God, their group number is 'Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves'. They have golden chairs and disgusting shiny tops. Why on EARTH is Rachel bellowing at us? She looks distinctly uncomfortable with the dancing. Niamh is all in her throat and not good. Jessie gets the bridge - HAAAAAAAAAAAATE. [And her movement is still stilted as all hell. And she can't quite get that crook out of her arm, can she? Arrrrrrr, Jimlad. - Steve] The harmonies aren't too bad, though. Barbara Windsor is wheeled out to give feedback on the group shows. She was friends with Lionel Bart, and she thinks that if he WAS NOT DEAD he would like to put a spanner in the works and redefine the role of Nancy. Next week, Barbara and Denise will be giving the ladies an Acting Masterclass. AHAHAHA. Denise will be watching Jodie and Jessie very closely.

Time to meet Alexander, the fifth Oliver through to the semi-final. He's 11, his favourite band is Bon Jovi [Omigod, is it 1988 all over again? - Georgi]and he loves to play air guitar. Being in the West End would be the best thing that has ever happened in his whole life. Sigh. The boys' group number is 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight', from The Lion King. Alexander's voice is noticeably less confident than the other four who've already progressed, and though I'm not a huge fan of too much vibrato and am definitely anti forced throat vibrato, he doesn't have any at all. Then they go into parts, and oh dear me, this is not good.

The panel are asked who is not Nancy. Barry says Keisha is not Nancy, Denise says Ashley isn't, Barrowman says Keisha isn't. Sigh. Been here before, I think.

The results! Samantha could still be Nancy. Jessie could still be Nancy. HAAAAAAAAAATE. Jodie and Rachel could both still be Nancy, and Jodie does mental over-reaction, as usual. Keisha and Ashley - one of them is in the sing-off, one is safe. Ashley is safe, and she punches the air in glee [dear me, the viewers must be deaf - Louise]. That leaves Sarah and Niamh for the one remaining guaranteed place in next week's show - and quite rightly, that place is Sarah's. She doesn't quite know how to react, bless her.

So Niamh and Keisha to sing off, then. Keisha has the lowest number of votes this week, but ALW may decide to save her. AGAIN. They're singing 'The Rose', which may suit Niamh because it's all emo. She begins the song, in characteristic fragile stylee. Keisha takes the key change and proper belts it, and she really does have a hell of a voice up there even with a bad throat. Niamh is also good on the higher notes, albeit not as powerful, when she's not having to shout them in a pop song way. Tough call, ALW.

ALW says it is a travesty about having to decide between these two and he is ANGRY about having to DO HIS FUCKING JOB, but he saves Niamh [and finally takes note that the public do NOT see Keisha as Nancy - Louise] [Racialists. - Steve]. He says it's an impossible choice, he thought she was absolutely wonderful and has a huge career ahead of her, and he'll do anything he can to help her. I'd suggest you could a) not get rid of her or b) write her a song, but b) probably wouldn't help her career. [Look what it did for Elvis... - Georgi]

ZOMG next week the Olivers are doing High School Musical songs! With THEIR HATS! Keisha sings us out in Shirley Bassey fashion, with no Cockney accent at all. In the key change, ALW gets up and applauds her in vociferous fashion. Niamh is all emo and weepy. Shocker. Keisha milks the money note. [That was amazing. Good ol' Keisha, making the band wait until she'd damn well finished. Suddenly I see a big future in musical theatre for her. - Steve] ALW then PICKS UP HIS FILES AND STORMS OFF STAGE! Get her!

Well, bitches, another fun weekend. Join us again next Saturday when you may well have the fun of a Georgi-Carrie liveblog!

The school of hard knock life

2008-04-26T14:01:00.000-07:00

Last week! The panel was in disagreement over the sacking of Francesca. [AS WAS I. - Steve] ALW didn't like Ashley's voice but saved her anyway while John Barrowman was adamant the wrong decision had been made. It's time to up the pace, it's time for the Nancys!

Titles!

Graham Norton bounds on stage in a hideous dark yellow suit [Mustard, dahling! -Georgi] and purple shiny shirt combo, makes a crack about the Lord twitching on his throne and reminds us yet again that it's our votes that decide who could be Nancy.

Right on cue, the remaining eight Nancys launch into You've Gotta Pick a Pocket with the Olivers. The Nancys' cockney accents are still shit, especially Jessie's. Oh dear. I'm reaching for the alcohol already... [Now, now, people being shit is not a Drink!able offence. We'd never make it through a whole hour if that was in the rules... - Georgi]

Norton reminds us we are at the crucial halfway mark, no one really stands out yet and Ashley has to win back everyone after last week's sing-off.

Time to introduce the ["Expert"? - Georgi] panel of leading West End lady Denise van Outen, Craftsman John Barrowman and Dame Barry Edna Humphries. A quick blast of Phantom music to cue in Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and then Barrowman and DVO bow to his superiority as usual while excluding the Dame from their little gang. This is now so predictable it's time for another drink. [I am truly, genuinely, horrifically embarrassed by this now, particularly as the Olivers are joining in with it. MAKE IT STOP. - Carrie]

ALW also reminds viewers we are at the halfway point with no clear front runner. Of the eight left, there are four, maybe six Nancy contenders and two who he's not sure what to do with. Whoever could he mean? It's not just about the big notes, it's an Acting role and needs to be real. [Judge them on their acting, then. Give them a scene from a musical leading into a song. Get Barrowman to play opposite them. He's good at that. Ask the Marias. - Carrie] We're going to get pop songs tonight (why?) [and how is that different from any other week? - Georgi] and he wants to hear great lyrics.

Norton cracks an iffy joke about slums and Oliver! being a Victorian version of the credit crunch for Nancy.

First up are Niamh and Rachel. Niamh was glad to have her sister there last week. Then she nipped home to Bangor (NI) to drum up the Irish vote [because she is IRISH and from IRELAND - Carrie]. She says she is glad they are supporting her. Rachel thinks the previous Saturday was fantastic, given that she almost didn't get through two months ago. She's happy she proved herself then comments on the shock of Fran's exit – it could be anyone next (you don't say?). With the competition getting fierce, Rachel is keeping her focus on the finishing line. [She is from Belfast, remember, so she is wearing a t-shirt that says I *heart* Belfast. Cynical, calculating, vote-grabbing bint. - Carrie]

Emo Niamh sings 'Valerie' dressed in a pink frock with a flouncy skirt. She shamelessly copies Amy Winehouse, right down to her vocalisation and movements [and hair. However, she does have Boys, whom she shamelessly gropes. Also, on second viewing, she utterly fucks up the lyrics. - Carrie]. I am not impressed. Rachel sings Avril Lavigne's 'I'm With You' ["Modern" "Pop" "Classic"? No wonder the music industry is eating itself. Also, her dress is ugly. - Georgi] – her top notes are screechy and her acting is completely stagey and OTT. If this is the best this pair can come up with at this point, they are in deep shit.

Niamh says Bangor was overwhelming but she feels spurred on a bit [and wants to do it for her Fanz. Not for herself. Obv. - Georgi]. Rachel says her main competition is everyone, but especially Jessie, who is brilliant [and ALSO FROM IRELAND - Carrie]. Time for panel comments.

Barrowman says both have stage presence. Niamh has a big diction problem, while Rachel set the bar for tonight. I wonder if he was watching the same performance as me. [Maybe the Botox stopped him from looking at Rachel and he was transported into a parallel dimension, Torchwood-stylee, where he was judging someone, y'know, good. - Carrie] [Hee! - Louise] The Dame says Niamh showed a new aspect to Nancy (dear god) and picks up on the Winehouse rip-off (although he's more generous than I), and that Rachel has given her best performance so far. That may well be true but it was still pants. DVO thinks Niamh lacked punch, it was not a full performance and she still has more to prove. She also noticed the diction problems. Rachel was strong and consistent but DVO sets her a challenge to be warmer and playful as she wants to see her relationship with Oliver and the boys. [Good point, to be honest. Jodie, Sam and Sarah interact well with the Olivers, demonstrated most obviously by the way they're the ones that keep getting named as the 'favourites' by the boys who go through. Whoever plays Nancy needs to be engaged with Fagin's gang, seeing as she dies for helping Oliver, and stuff. - Carrie]

ALW makes an odd comment about the Dame possibly being arrested for headbutting an artist. Eh? What was that about? [I think it was an attempt at a topical gag. - Carrie] [Doh, yes of course! However, the Dame should be arrested for crimes against hair - Louise] He says Niamh needs work while Rachel was real (hmmm, real off-key methinks).

Next are Jessie and Sarah. Jessie knows she can do better, concedes movement is not her strong point and she needs to work on it, then admits she keeps getting cast as a boy. She insists she can be elegant. Sarah loved every minute of last week. She was over the moon and feels like a serious contender: “It's changed me. I'm coming closer to my dream role.” [Sounds to me like she has been on a journey? - Georgi]

Jessie sings Sam Brown's 'Stop!' [Oh, please, no. I LIKE this song. But not when Jessie sings it. - Georgi] [It's my favourite song of all time. That they gave it to Jessie of all people just shows how much this show wants me to suffer. - Steve] She does some stagey acting and weird huggy stuff with her backing dancer. It's not convincing and I'm going off her as the weeks roll by. Why doesn't she act to the dancer on the big moments instead of to the audience? [Because she's awful? I text Georgi at this point to say, 'HAAAAAAAAAATE'. Meanwhile, my sister texts me to say, 'Am I the only one who hates Jessie?' I think that says it all. - Carrie][I actually got Carrie's text on Sunday morning, before having watched the show, and yet somehow still knew that it was referring to Jessie's performance. I must be psychic. - Georgi] Sarah is covering Alanis Morrisette's 'Ironic'. She fills the stage easily and does some good acting out. I'm warming to her more and more. [She has a more flattering dress this week. I enjoyed her acting too - understated, unlike some *cough*Rachel*cough*. Still in my top two. - Georgi]

Jessie admits to watching to EastEnders to help her cockernee accent. She does a pants impression of Peggy Mitchell yelling “get ouda my pub!”. Oh dear. I'm a 'Stenders addict and while Babs Windsor can be a bit mockney at times, Jessie has a snowball's chance of filling her white stilettos. Sarah confesses her secret weapon is a teapot. Cut to a VT of her slurping out of the spout. She insists it's to steam her voice, confesses she is “mental” and offers to go home. [Bless her. - Carrie][Graham: "But is she the panel's cup of tea?" Ha ha! - Georgi]

The Dame tells Jessie she has a distinctive quality and not to lose it. Jessie butts in and agrees she's lost a bit of herself. Sarah was lovely, a great voice but still girl next door rather than slum – she needs to sustain the edge. DVO reminds us tonight's focus is on Acting. Sarah is an intelligent performer – we've seen a transition, best so far for acting. Jessie is holding back: “be you”. Barrowman concurs that Jessie has lost her essence. She needs to do a U turn and fix things. DVO butts in to ask if he means that Jessie can't take direction well, then Jessie interrupts again to say she knows she has to work on stuff. Yeah, we had noticed. Barrowman says Sarah did a wonderful job, she told the story and could be singing her way to the West End.

ALW says these are two strong contenders who are wildly different. Either could easily be Nancy. [Which is the essence of the competition. Which is why he says the same thing every bloody week. About time he found a new tune to whistle, isn't it? - Georgi] Sarah acted with real intelligence.

Cut to Keisha and Ashley. Keisha had expected to be in the bottom two again so is happy to still be in the competition. Her sister says she's blowing people away. Then Keisha panics she's losing her voice. [But then how would she cope with doing EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK?!? - Georgi] Ashley felt sick at ALW's comment about not rating her voice. Cue tears. Predictable. Yawn. She was thankful to be saved as she hadn't seen it coming. Barrowman backstage says she has to fight now as he felt it was the wrong decision last week.

Keisha sings 'I'm Outta Love' by Anastasia. Her frock is a ghastly canary yellow and if it was cut any lower she'd be spilling out. It's an OK performance, with not much Acting. [When your backing Boys outAct you, you're in trouble. Also, her voice cracked on the high notes. The yellow dress suits her though. Respect Da Cleavage, that's what I say. - Georgi] Ashley covers la Streisand's 'Evergreen'. It's a difficult song. ALW looks blank. Ashley looks confident though, it's her best so far, I reckon. Which is not saying much as she is so not Nancy. [Black so doesn't suit her. The thing about Ashley is I think she's actually quite good doing the Nancy bits, but her solo performances are pretty whelming. - Georgi]

Norton reminds us that Keisha has overcome the odds. Keisha says “it means so much to me to still be here”. Yawn... Ashley thought last week's comments were harsh. She tried to go for a different sound and get ticks in the box.

Barrowman, who so far has failed to make a comment in triplicate, says some notes were cracked but Keisha has made an improvement, she told a story. [He also admires Keisha, telling her, "Your Nancy is blossoming." AHAHAHAHH! - Carrie] He noticed Ashley's Scottish accent and some flat notes. He tells her, “You've lost some fight. You've given up and you're cheesy when you do warm.” Ouch. But I'm smirking as I agree. DVO agrees Ashley was cheesy – she was brave but made some wrong choices. It was the best yet from Keisha, she connected with the words but needs to stop wobbling her head. The Dame says Keisha sang a great song of survival, her best yet. He can't tell if she's ensemble or solo. Probably because he was too busy staring at her cleavage. He likes Ashley's Caledonian gutsiness as she normally does nice/polite, like showing someone to the best table in a restaurant.

ALW says it was soft as an easy chair, but he's in an uneasy chair tonight. Ashley did her best so far but the Lord doesn't believe she can hold a West End audience. So why the fuck did he save her last week, then? [Because Francesca kept singing out of tune all the time? - Georgi] Keisha came through remarkably. If both get through to next week he'd love to work with them both as they are not quite connecting. [If he hadn't fucked off to America to work with the contestants on American Idol, he could have worked with them THIS week. - Carrie] It's down to the nitty gritty now.

Six Nancys down and it's time for the Olivers. Four have made it to the semi-finals so far, it's time to find the fifth. This week's task is physicality. Oliver has a fight in the orphanage and has to stand up to Bill Sikes. So, they're going to try stage fighting. There's lots of faked punches and faked ear-grabbing. Cameron Mackintosh wants Acting, it must be believable. Jonny is showing promise, while Gareth threw himself into it. But Alex is chosen next and gets his cap. He rates Samantha as Nancy and he thinks she has a fantastic voice. [And she is from the Isle of Man and he has some family there. Has he not been listening when they tell us that we're not supposed to vote based on where people are from? - Georgi] Whatever. Why should we care? [See above. - Carrie]

The Olivers then all sing 'It's a Hard Knock Life' from Annie. Jordan stands out most [with his utter desperation - Carrie], but it's still all very stage school.

Samantha and Jodie are up last. Samantha knows it's make or break for her and she wants to impress West End Leading Man John Barrowman. [Why? He doesn't get a vote. - Georgi] Donna the coach says Samantha was a revelation in rehearsal. Samantha now thinks she could get the part. Barrowman says Jodie is showing all the colours of Nancy. Jodie confesses she struggled in training with some of the notes. She's trying so hard, she really wants it (drink) and is prepared to use her ten years' advantage over the others.

Samantha sings 'Since U Been Gone'. It's a repeat of her earlier rock chick performance. She acts it OK. ALW is giving nothing away. Samantha is iffy on some notes [the low ones in particular - Carrie][i.e. everything except the chorus - Georgi]. Jodie does Whitney Houston's 'I Have Nothing'. ALW mutters to the camera. It's a good performance, measured and polished. AWL claps. Is this a Sign?

Cut to the panel. DVO says both have edge. Samantha had bags of Nancy attitude with a strong command of the stage. [Her "belt is big". Unlike her dress. Boom boom! - Georgi] She warns her not to get too shouty, but it was wonderful. She loved Jodie – it was the performance of the evening, she's a strong, brilliant actress. The Dame says Samantha was totally watchable – for the singing. Dirty git – she had a very short dress on. He wants to watch Jodie from the wings as she sings 'As Long As He Needs Me' and gets an ovation. Barrowman says Samantha was a superb, belting Nancy while Jodie was a fearless leading lady who is destined for the West End. [Why does he keep shouting? - Georgi]

ALW just says “Wow!” He gushes over Samantha and declares himself engaged by Jodie's performance. This is the essence of the competition. He has no idea who could be Nancy and is dreading a sing-off with these two as he'd have to resign (as if. To both ideas). [But wouldn't it be ace, though? Then Cameron Mackintosh can start to cast his own bloody show, the lazy git. - Carrie][Didn't he also threaten to leave the country in 1997 if Labour won the general election? He's still bloody here. - Georgi]

And that's it. There's a quick recap of the performances. Norton declares the phone lines open and it's all over. For now. Join Carrie for the results show tomorrow.

Not quite so Fran-tastic

2008-04-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

So we're back for the results show. The band strike up 'Consider Yourself', and Norton wanders on in a pale blue suit and red satin shirt. It's not a triumph of fashion, but it's better than last night's rig-up. He warns us that it'll be an emotional half-hour, and then introduces the nine Nancys performing 'Consider Yourself', yet again, with a lot of red petticoat swishing, stomping, and shite Cockney accents.

Norton explains the concept of the programme again, yawn yawn, sing-off, ALW saving Keisha, final, blah. He then welcomes our panel again, yawn yawn, Barrowman, Van Outen, Humphries and live from Vegas Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, who does a bit of dancing.

Now, exclusive backstage footage combined with tedious filling recap! Jodie is excited because she got fantastic comments; clearly nothing exciting happened for Sam apart from being shouted at by Barrowman; Ashley was ripped to shreds by ALW; Niamh's fringe was happy that ALW was proud of it; the Olivers were appallingly stage-school but KWAYEDZA IS THROUGH!; Keisha sang higher than normal; Jessie sang out of the side of her mouth and bashed her knees together and really pissed me off; Sarah was awesome with her new hair, and did a little jig backstage; Fran's bosom was old-fashioned, according to ALW; Rachel couldn't pronounce 'beautiful' and ALW offered to give her an Andrew.

Norton talks to the girls. Ashley was hurt by ALW's comments and hopes to get him onside later. Sarah felt amazing and very lucky to have positive comments. Wow, insightful.

This week, they have performed in front of a Tough West End Audience at Wicked, where they meet up with Kerry Ellis, who gives them a leading lady pep-talk. Then they are shoved on stage after the matinee and forced to sing one of Ellis's big numbers. As they perform, Ellis is in the wings whispering and clapping quietly to herself. Random audience members admire Keisha, and Fran ("she was better this afternoon than she is on the live shows" - ouch), and Rachel, and Jodie (except for one cow woman who calls her 'cabaret girl'), oh, and everyone else too. They finish, and rush out, and squeal.

Norton throws over to ALW, who is now wearing sunglasses. He wrote a song for Elvis. "It was the last song he ever sang. That was the end of him!" he says. There is embarrassed, uncomfortable silence. Norton tells him that wasn't funny, and promptly introduces the girls singing Viva Las Vegas, in honour of the absent Lord. [Bah. I hoped they were going to sing something from Wicked. - Steve] They are wearing FOUL COSTUMES - sparkly tasseled dresses, and feather ruffs - and the choreography is shite beyond compare. Niamh's skirt seems to be shorter than everyone else's. But she does have really nice legs. ALW has been on our blog steeling mi jokez, and says, "Divas Las Vegas!" He praises Sarah. Barrowman praises Ashley - "I rate you as a performer, and if others don't, why did they put you in the final 12?" [Much as I hate to agree with the Barrowman, I was asking myself exactly how someone got through to the final 12 when Lord Webber didn't like their voice. Doesn't say much for the rest of the auditionees, does it? - Georgi] Barry liked Jessie and Sam. Van Outen says that Sam is "on fire".

Back to the Olivers, and Kwayedza. He is 13. He loves drawing and songwriting. He likes R&B and Motown and Beyonce. If he could win Oliver, he would be the happiest boy in the world. Aww. And then for the group number, he leads the rest of the boys in 'I'll Be There'. Joel, what do you think - racialist song choice? Anyway, Kwayedza is awesome. Well done him. [I think Motown Oliver is my new favourite. He has a voice that is actually soulful as opposed to little choirboy. - Georgi] [Heh, Didn't I say right from teh start that Kwayedze was like a young Michael Jackson? I still don't see him as an Oliver though - Louise]

Time for the panel to say who they want to get rid of. Barrowman says, "Keisha", and someone from the audience whoops, presumably in error. Van Outen says Keisha, Barry says Fran. Ooh, it's exciting!

Results, in no particular order. Rachel is crying already, but she could be Nancy. Sarah can still be Nancy, and looks bewildered. Samantha and Niamh could both still be Nancy - they hug and scream and rush off the stairs together. Keisha might be in the sing-off. Oooooooooh. Jodie can still be Nancy, and she thanks everyone in the world. Jessie could still be Nancy. Ashley, Keisha and Francesca all step down to the stage to form a line. Francesca is in the bottom two, and will sing off; Keisha could still be Nancy, and she goes insane!

So it's a Francesca/Ashley sing-off. They are the Least Popular Nancys, and if it were down to viewers' votes alone, the person who'd be leaving would be Ashley. They are going to sing 'Whistle Down The Wind'. Ashley looks pissed off and kind of resigned to her fate already. It's a terrible song, let's face it, but Ashley is singing it in a really weird, subdued way, and Fran is doing her old-fashioned musical theatre stagey acting. It's a tedious performance from both, but that's partly the song's fault, but I don't imagine ALW will point that out. He, meanwhile, has his head in his hands, possibly thinking, "I knew this was a shit song, but I didn't realise how shit it could sound."

ALW says both of them sang wonderfully and it was an extraordinary sing-off - and I am seriously beginning to doubt his hearing ability. He says that the panel obviously see something in Ashley that he doesn't, so he saves her, and Francesca is out. ALW is gutted, but he has taken into account what the panel have said, and she has a long professional career ahead of her. She cries. She says she will take all the advice into account [and learn to sing in tune? - Georgi], and then heads up to the stage to sing farewell in a hideous accent. Niamh is blubbing away, Sam and Jodie are both holding back tears, and Ashley is sobbing. This lot are nearly as bad as the Josephs. [Well, shit. I mean, I know I'm the only member of Team Francesca in the universe, but I had hoped she'd last a little longer than this. Then again, it was obvious she was never going to win, so at least now she's free to go and get a job that will be decided by a casting director rather than a public vote, and I will be free to fanboy her without fending off the internet haterz. - Steve]

Well, bitches, that was a turn-up for the books. Join us next week for more Olivers, more Nancys and of course much more Bitching!

Divas Las Vegas

2008-04-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

Week 4: tx 19th April 2008

Last week! The competition stepped up a gear! [Drink! - Georgi] Rachel could be Barrowman's Nancy, but he thought Keisha was like a cruise ship singer. Denise told Jessie she could win this competition. Fran cried. Tara sucked, but then went home. Who will we choose as our Nancy?

Here's Norton, in a green suit and yellow shirt. Ew. Tonight the search for Nancy and Oliver "goes global", because Lloyd Webber is in bloody Las Vegas. (Next week's American Idol will be ACE.) [Although it will be less ace now that Kristy Lee Cook's gone. What? I liked her. - Steve] Van Outen and Barrowman are in their little gang, and Barry Humphries is once again excluded.

The Nancys and Olivers are performing Consider Yourself. Sam is so pretty. Niamh's fringe looks weird. Jodie is bursting out of her top. Jessie's accent is shit. Norton waves a glittery rolling pin. Twat. Chester appears to have forgotten the words.

Norton explains the premise of the competition to us once again, and introduces our "expert" "panel". You know who they are. ALW gurns at us via satellite. He says he is excited because he is watching it on TV for the first time, "just like the viewers at home".

Last week, Jodie was awesome. She was pleased because she thinks ALW is starting to like her, and then she was even more pleased because she and her boyfriend got engaged! Whoop! Congratulations, Jodie! There was much girlie screaming amidst the Nancys as she flaunted her new rock on her left hand.

Barrowman wanted to take Sam and work with her. [Do you think he will Teach her his Craft? - Georgi] They are in some weird white room and practising emoting. Sam weeps. Barrowman is proud of her.

This week's theme, such as it is, is Divas. Wail. Jodie's singing '9 to 5'. She has an odd flouncy dress, which is tied too tight at the back. If you like pop songs sung in a musical theatre stylee, this is good, if a bit gaspy and breathy, and possibly a tad too fast, and with a really, really shitly arranged ending. ALW does token clapping, but looks reasonably happy. [I thought she sounded like she was concentrating too hard on getting all the words out, but I think she just about got away with it. - Georgi]

Sam is singing Christina Aguilera's 'Hurt', which, as the Strictly singers will tell you, is really difficult to sing. Barrowman looks emotionally invested and meaningful the whole way through the performance. [That's because he KNOWS HIS CRAFT, I bet. - Steve] She goes all musical theatre and does shouting in rhythm to convey Feelings, which I'm sure her new mentor will like. [So being more emotional means either speaking or shrieking instead of proper singing, then? I'd have thought you could be emotional and also sing, but then obviously I do not Know My Craft. - Georgi]

Norton congratulates Jodie and Steve. She tells us she doesn't know what to start planning first, but she is going to have her hen night in Blackpool. Norton says, "Hmm, count me out." YOU WEREN'T INVITED. A picture of Sam as a child. Blah. Barrowman says Jodie is showing us all the colours of Nancy, then tells Sam that she was emotionally fantastic, fantastic, FANTASTIC. [Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, Barrowman. - Georgi] Denise is crying, by the way. Barry admires Jodie and her avoidance of karaoke, and says that it was Sam's best performance so far. She dimples. Denise says, "It's all good." She tells Jodie that her diction was perfect, and Sam that her work with Barrowman paid off. ALW says that Jodie could get married in Vegas by Elvis. Yeah, but she's not in bloody Vegas, is she? He witters about them being contrasting Nancys, and says, "Sammy, I always knew you had it in you. Unlike some." Heh.

Falkirk's Ashley, Bangor's Niamh, but remember that you shouldn't vote for them based on where they're from. Ashley was upset when ALW said that we might get bored with her voice. She wheels out a nan again. Niamh lost confidence in herself last week [told you she was emo - Georgi], and is still shocked that ALW knows her name, let alone gives comments on her performance. She is visited by her sister Ciara, and there is much sororal bonding, as Niamh says she is dedicating tonight's performance to her.

Ashley is singing 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody'. There is something about her that really reminds me of Jan Ravens. It might be the fake voice she's putting on in an effort not to bore us. She also picks some random new notes to sing instead of the tune, which is certainly innovative. Key change! [Drink! - Georgi]

Niamh's song for her sister is 'The Wind Beneath My Wings'. Ciara is crying. It's all right, I guess. Her dress is pink and sparkleeeeeeee yaaaaaaaay! [I am starting to like Niamh, especially now that her fringe has grown in a bit, but I still wish she'd give everything a bit more oomph. - Steve]

Norton talks to them about how far away from home they are, and Ashley talks about SCOTLAND and TARTAN, and Niamh thanks everyone AT HOME IN IRELAND for their support. Denise thinks they are both possible leading ladies; she mentions "some possible pitch problems" for Ashley. SHE SANG THE WRONG NOTES. She says that Niamh gave a wonderful performance. Barry warmed to Ashley last week, and continues to do so; he thinks Niamh is exquisite and has a wonderful candour in her performance. He says that she would redefine the role of Nancy and he would be happy to take a curtain call with her. [Actually he told her she *has* redefined the role of Nancy, which is a bit much, frankly. - Georgi] Barrowman tells Ashley she needs to work on her leading lady look. OUCH. He tells Niamh to have more confidence in herself. ALW jabbers about Irish eyes and an Irish smile, because Niamh is FROM IRELAND. He then slices Ashley to pieces, concluding, "I don't rate your voice. Sorry."

The Olivers had their bravery tested this week. What. The. Fuck? ALW tells us that Oliver was brave to walk from the Midlands to London, so the best way to test whether these boys could act that kind of bravery is to make them abseil down a 100-foot wall. I look forward to the week when they're starved for a few days, as Oliver was incarcerated in a workhouse and fed on gruel, and the week where they hone their criminal skills by shoplifting from the local Tesco, as Oliver was forced to act as a villain's accomplice in various acts of house-breaking. [And the week where they kill all their parents, because Oliver was an orphan. - Steve] Lots of pre-pubescent excitement. Gwion is wearing a WELSH RUGBY JERSEY and complains, "I've got a wedgie! A big one!" Then they go to the rehearsal studio to work with Claire, the Lord and the Sir. And the next Oliver through is KWAYEDZA! HOORAY! Your Bitching team is VERY HAPPY! [Someone is listening after all.... - Georgi] He thinks that Sarah would be the most fun to work with, but of course he likes all of them. The Olivers then sing 'I Whistle A Happy Tune' from The King And I. Sam still scares me a bit.

Back to the ladies. Keisha has been saved twice by ALW, once entirely unjustifiably. However, she has given me one of the highlights of the televisual year with her "OMGZ I AM SOOOO HUMBLE, thank you for saving me...oh fuck, no, I'm in the bottom two again" face last week. She's singing 'My Heart Will Go On', in a key about a tone and a half higher than Celine Dion's version, so perhaps someone somewhere has finally realised that they keep giving her songs that are too low. However, her higher notes are very shaky indeed. Key change! [Drink! - Georgi] Why is she shouting at me? It is like watching the bloody X-Factor.

Norton says that Keisha has had a difficult journey. Drink! She says it has been an emotional and tough week for her. Fuck off. [And stop crying all the time! - Georgi] She does more humble speaking about fighting and working hard "if I'm here next week". Denise was concerned about Keisha's Nancy qualities last week, and still is, saying that she doesn't connect with the words. Keisha asks her what she would like her to do. Denise doesn't actually know, and mumbles something about hoping the viewers save her. Barrowman disagrees. Barry says it was a warm and powerful performance, and that she delivered the song, and lived the song. Keisha cries. ALW stands by his decision last week, and is very proud of her. He understands what Denise is talking about, but Oliver! is not his musical or his production, so he has to think about what Cameron Mackintosh would want. Well, fuck off, then, and let Cameron Mackintosh have the casting vote.

Next, County Kerry's Jessie, and Cardiff's Sarah. Last week, Jessie was poor, but the judges loved her. Everyone in her town is supporting her, including her sisters, who are colouring in posters and taking the piss out of her shit Cockney accent a bit. Barrowman challenged Sarah to dye her hair, and so she has done, with lots of honey-coloured highlights. Exciting week for her, then. [It doesn't quite have the same level of drama as makeover week on America's Next Top Model, does it? - Steve]

Jessie is singing 'Why Do Fools Fall In Love', and has some really excellent silver shoes. She is singing out of the side of her mouth and swinging her arms and strutting in a knock-kneed fashion. Sorry, judging panel - haaaaaaaaaaaate. [Jessie is getting on my tits more and more every week. Vote her off! - Georgi]

Sarah and her new hair are singing 'Midnight Train to Georgia', and are doing some excellent Acting, as well as singing incredibly powerfully. Incidentally, this week she's wearing a black dress with green accessories [because black is for Serious Acting - Georgi]. She has nice shoes as well.

Norton talks to Jessie and her Eighties hair about her family, and asks how she would cope with living away for them so long. Jessie treats it like a job interview and gives a hugely diplomatic answer, which stresses how keen she is on the role but also how much she loves her family. Barrowman is pleased with Sarah and says she is a threat in the competition, and then interestingly is RIGHT when criticising Jessie's movement. Denise says she thinks her comment in Week 1 about Jessie's posture made her self-conscious, and that Sarah's singing made the hairs on her arms stand on end. Barry says that he loves Jessie's crooked smile and coltish movements, and that if he was watching Sarah in the West End he would give her a standing ovation. So to speak. ALW says he would like to work with Jessie and Sarah when he gets home, and may get his hair dyed before the results show. I think that was supposed to be a joke. [But srsly now, could the panel please FUCK OFF with all their comments about how dying her hair has made any bloody difference to Sarah? It was bollocks when John said she ought to dye it last week, and it's bollocks this week when they're saying it made any difference. 1) she was great anyway, and b) she's still just as bubbly and cheerful-looking as she was before. - Georgi]

Francesca finds stepping on stage nerve-wracking [You've been in London's Trendy West End with Denise van Outen! Pull it together! - Georgi], and ALW's comments made her cry last week, so this week she has practised a lot. Which is a good idea, I'd say. Claire Moore tells her that the only problem is when she gets on stage and the nerves kick in, because she's ace in rehearsal. Barrowman reminded Rachel that it's a competition and she shouldn't try and tone down and fit in, despite her plaintive pleas about being "a team player", because she needs to stand out. She says she'll fight for her place. [Like Nancy! Who is a Fighter! - Georgi]

Fran's breasts look amazing again, so well done to them. [Best supported actress, arf arf. You could kind of see her nipples this week, too. - Steve] She's singing 'What's Love Got To Do With It', and has too much blusher on. She begins by sitting down and doing musical theatre Acting, then gets distracted going into the chorus by the bounciness of her hair, which she has to flick out of her face.

Rachel is singing 'The Way We Were', and she too begins by sitting down and doing subtle wistful musical theatre Acting. Her dress is so long it drags along the floor when she begins to walk, and she looks a bit like a yellow-clad ghost hovering on the stage. She pronounces 'beautiful' in a really weird way.

Norton asks Fran about the nerves, and she says she enjoyed it. Rachel says that she doesn't feel secure in the competition despite her consistent comments. Barrowman tells Fran he loves watching her and that her performance was "pretty dang good", and then tells Rachel that Barbra Streisand's version of 'The Way We Were' is no longer in our heads because hers has replaced it. A clue, Barrowman: FUCK NO. [Although I was much amused by the Barrowman telling her it was the best performance of the night, as the camera cut to Jessie looking very pissed off. Hee! - Georgi] Barry tells Fran that she is too glamorous. Denise carps about it, and says it was a strong, edgy performance. She then tells Rachel that she was amazing. ALW says Fran's performance was good, but a little musical theatre-stagey in a old-fashioned way, whatever that may mean. He thought Rachel was fantastic, singing a song that "won an Oscar 34 years ago. If I was there, I'd give you an Andrew." Ew. Ew. EW! Norton is clearly thinking the same thing as I am, and sniggers.

Recap: Jodie was engaged; Sam was Barrowman's protege; Ashley was unrated by ALW; Niamh loves her sister; Keisha was Titanic; Jessie sang out of the corner of her mouth; Sarah had new hair; Fran was musical theatre-stagey in an old-fashioned way; Rachel was propositioned by a peer of the realm.

That's your lot for tonight, bitches. Join me again tomorrow to find out who'll be singing off!

Tara, chuck

2008-04-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

Results show: Week Three

Entering to the strains of 'Consider Yourself', Graham's changed his suit from "yesterday", though it's now a scarlet suit with red piping with a purple shirt, which isn't that much of an improvement, but all change is good, as the checkout operator at Tesco once told me. Graham reminds us that in half an hour's time one girl will be considering herself unequivocally at home when she leaves the competition, and that's the cue for the remaining Nancys to introduce themselves with a reprise of 'It's A Fine Life'. Tara is at the front of the gaggle for the most part, possibly because she's doomed so they might as well give her what she wants while there's still time to do it. Francesca's bosom is still as impressive as it was during the main show. And that's all there is to say, really. [Again, HATE the group sings.-Joel]

Graham finds about six ways to tell us that nobody wants to go home, which I'm fairly certain we could have figured out without any help, before telling us that we'll be seeing more of the Olivers later, as well as seeing the Nancys' latest challenge, which appears to involve snogging Ben James-Ellis, of Any Dream Will Do and Hairspray fame. Definitely an upgrade from Barrowman, I'd say. And "reviewing the Nancy situation" (you used that joke "last night", Graham) are the panel: John Barrowman, Denise Van Outen, Barry Humphries, and the Lord.

Time for a visual recap with Extra! Backstage! Footage!: Rachel did her best with a song which is neither a particularly brilliant vocal showcase nor an actual song from a musical, and got great reviews from the panel. Sarah knocked 'Maybe This Time' out of the park, but was criticised as being "Country Life Nancy" by Denise. (And it's a shame Dianne Pilkington has just extended her contract because although Sarah's probably not going to be Nancy, I think she'd make a fantastic Glinda. Still, maybe next time, eh?) John told her to dye her hair for next week because he thinks the blonde is confusing Denise and Barry. Francesca was kind of off-key during '(I've Had) The Time Of My Life', as much as it pains me as a paid-up member of Team Francesca to admit that, though Denise thought her rawness was very Nancy-like. The Lord fretted over her pitch, though. Backstage, a slightly tearful Francesca says that she's going to work on that, but she's not really sure how. Why, with vocal coach Zoe Tyler, surely? Oh, my mistake: they didn't bother to put a vocal coach on the judging panel this year, thinking it'd be better to run with Denise, who served her purpose far better as a human hormone on Any Dream Will Do, and Barry who never says much of anything and gives me the heebie-jeebies. [And Barrowman, whom I believe - I BELIEVE - has worked in the West End. - Carrie] [In all fairness, I give Barrowman a pass because he's been on the panel since How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? He's got tenure. - Steve] Keisha's 'The Lady is a Tramp' was not enjoyed much by John or Denise, but Andrew found it charming in an "of the period" way. The Olivers, led by Arthur, sang 'Teamwork' from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Ashley sang 'The Winner Takes It All' and the Lord worried her voice would become boring. Jodie owned everyone in sight with a superlative rendition of 'Send in the Clowns' while perched precariously on a stool. Backstage, a gleeful Jodie confesses, "I'm speechless! And that's saying a lot!" Heh. You can't say she isn't self-aware, can you? Niamh and her fringe sang 'Moon River', a song which has officially lost all meaning to me, but might redefine the role of Nancy with her fragility, if Barrowman is to be believed. Pirate Jessie butchered 'One Night Only' from Dreamgirls, but the panel's collective woody for her continued unabated. Backstage, Jessie says "I feel like the luckiest girl in the actual world, I actually do." Oh, go actually away, Jessie. The Jolly Roger won't actually hoist itself, you actually know. Poor Tara continued to be utterly out of her depth throughout 'Let's Hear It For The Boy' and was called on it by the panel, and Samantha's 'Somewhere' felt like faked emotion to Denise, but was liked by Barry and The Lord.

Graham's sitting with Andrew and the Nancys. Graham reminds us that this year it is not just a singing competition because whoever gets the role really needs to be able to act. Yes, that's why it's called musical theatre, you clod. Although I might as well laugh at the retrospective burn on Connie Fisher and Lee Mead, I suppose. Andrew says that the second act is particularly tough, adding to the girls, "I think you've read it now". Well, one would hope. Ideally they would have read it before auditioning, but what do I know? [My eyebrows practically communed with the ceiling at this point. I would have expected teh Nancys not only to have read the script before auditioning but also the original Dickens novel. Just as a bit of background research, yanno. Otherwise they might as well be applying for the X Factor... - Louise] Graham asks the girls how much pressure they feel on their missions, and Jodie says that they always feel pressure, because they're aware that anything could be taken into account should they land in the sing-off. Ashley agrees and says that they've all tried to rise to the challenges. Graham tells us that Nancy is an outgoing character, so they called on former Joseph Ben James-Ellis to help the girls lose their ambitions.

They'll be performing Hairspray's love scene with Ben, but not before we see footage of Ben being a bit rubbish on Any Dream Will Do last year. (Although I will concede he's great in Hairspray.) The girls meet Olivier Award winner Leanne Jones, who plays Tracy Turnblad, for advice. Leanne says that it's very important for a leading lady to be versatile and able to do whatever the director needs them to do, including kissing someone they've only just met, however weird that might be. The girls get practising: Ashley kisses her own hand and Keisha worries about her onion breath. Heh. The Disembodied Voice of Graham informs us that there's a twist waiting in the wings - their dads will be watching them do the scene. Oh, snap. Although I'm not quite sure this is as bad as when they made the Josephs strip down to their loincloths in front of their mums. Or when they made the Marias make out with Barrowman, full stop. Samantha's dad Richard says that there comes a day where every dad has to watch their actress daughter do a kissing scene, although surely that only applies to the dads who actually have actress daughters? I mean, mine doesn't, so he got away with it. He did have an aspiring actor son at one point, and therefore had to watch me simulate sex with a dude in a scene from The Rocky Horror Show, but I digress. [I'm pretty sure my father never saw my début on-stage kiss at 14, when I played Widow Corney in a school production of Oliver! and had to snog Mr Bumble. And it was an all-girls school. But I digress, too. - Louise]

Prince's 'Kiss' kicks up on the soundtrack as Sarah says that the kissing doesn't sound so bad. She does well in her scene with Ben, though we don't see the kiss itself. Actual Pirate Jessie fucks up her lines, which does not go unnoticed by Ben. Take that, Chosen One! Niamh's dad Liam looks away for her kiss, and Ben says that Keisha was "seamless". Keisha very sensibly interviews that as an actor you've just got to be able to do it, pressure or not pressure [indeed, but you still need to convince the nation you are Nancy, love - Louise]. Ben says that Samantha's effort "felt real", which means she totally slipped him the tongue. "And cut!" says Samantha's dad Richard. Francesca's love scene looks good (she's probably relieved to be doing a love scene with someone who isn't Denise, I should think), and the soundtrack changes to Nelly Furtado's 'Maneater' for Jodie's typically OTT kiss. Hee. Leanne says that she's scared, because that was really good. Ashley also tries to devour Ben whole, but he says that he thought she did really well because she was in character from the moment she walked on. Rachel was also in character the whole time, says Ben. With one girl left, Ben admits he's terrified of kissing Tara in front of her dad who, lest we forget, is a professional wrestler. Wild West showdown music plays and the whole thing goes sepia for a second. Tara kisses Ben, El Bandito mimes breaking his neck, Ben wigs and Tara laughs. Backstage, she says "note to self: don't kiss boys in front of Dad." Hee. She seems like such a nice girl; it's a shame she can't sing. Ben's favourite kissers were Jodie, Keisha and Tara, who "left their own issues at the door". He declares it "not a bad day in the office".

Back in the studio, Graham segues to the Nancys performing 'Good Morning Baltimore' from Hairspray, with some horrendous choreography that makes Actual Pirate Jessie look even more ridiculous than usual. There's a bit in the second half of the first verse where one of the girls totally fucks up and starts doing the "I promise Baltimore" line instead of another "Good morning Baltimore", but I can't tell who it is. The performances are uniformly acceptable, but unsurprisingly, only Jodie actually makes any effort to play it as Tracy Turnblad. Graham asks Andrew for his feedback, and he singles out Samantha as being "absolutely wonderful", and said that Jodie really stood out. John thought Samantha was the best too. Barry liked Actual Pirate Jessie and Niamh. Denise thought Niamh was outstanding (indeed, she was, but she had the perhaps unfair advantage of getting to do the giant glory note in the "won't someone invite me before I drop dead?" line) and that Sarah was sassy. My God, John praised Samantha and Denise praised Sarah? It's like Opposite Day!

Graham reminds us that three Olivers are also being cast, as though anyone really cares, and we get a clip of Arthur making it through to the semi-finals from "yesterday"'s show. Backstage Arthur says he felt amazing when the crowd was cheering for him. We get a VT of Arthur's home life, and he tells us about how he enjoys martial arts, playing the saxophone, and fashion [and has a Scissor Sisters song playing as his backing track - Carrie]. Do I even need to make the joke? I thought not. He loves skinny jeans and purple. Oh God, I just can't. For the High School Musical fans amongst you, he is also Wearing a Hat, which should tell you everything you need to know. Arthur says that to win would be amazing. Indeed, you might even say it would be fabulous.

And now the Olivers are performing 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin, though of course the Katie Price/Peter Andre version will remain the definitive rendition. Gwion and Chester, as the other semi-finalists, also get solo lines, and I still think Chester is the absolute shiznit. If he makes the three who get into the show proper, I will so be going to see it, regardless of who gets to be Nancy. Is that wrong? [No, sweetie, but I'm not sure you'll be able to pick and choose which Oliver you get to see, unfortunately. Although we can try. - Carrie]

Graham tells us that we'll find out the next Oliver to go through next week, but first we must find out which Nancy is leaving us tonight. He goes to the panel for their opinions, and John names Tara, citing her lack of stamina and vocal ability to do eight shows a week. He is booed. Denise names Keisha for not acting or connecting with her song. Barry names Tara, because her work is "too modern". Hee! I don't know why that made me laugh, but it really did.

It's time for Graham to announce the results in no particular order. Keisha's name is read out first and she is in the sing-off. As Chris texted me to point out, her reaction is amazing: she starts to do the stagey open-mouthed "oh, I'm so relieved to be safe!" reaction for a second or two before it kicks in that she's not safe and she quickly puts her lips back together and puffs loudly. I hope someone puts that on YouTube, for it is to be treasured. [It was BRILLIANT. I almost felt bad for her, but then I decided to laugh instead. - Carrie] [Ha! That was a priceless moment. The shock on her face when she twigged that she was dangling on ALW's whim AGAIN was a TV classic. How I laughed - Louise] [Is this where I say RACIST BRITISH PUBLIC? Yes?-Joel]Keisha hangs her head and walks to the front of the stage as a deathly hush falls upon the studio: there's no murmur of surprise, no booing, no nothing. It's very unsettling, actually. Samantha could still be Nancy. So could Sarah and Jodie. Francesca is also safe and looks relieved/surprised. Rachel and Actual Pirate Jessie could still be Nancy too, as could Niamh, which leaves Ashley and Tara standing on the stairs. Graham invites them to step down, and reveals that Tara is in the bottom two, while Ashley could still be Nancy and is safe.

Graham informs us that if it were down to viewer votes alone, Keisha would be the one to leave. There are murmurs of discontent from the audience this time, and Keisha shrugs, while Graham reminds her that there is hope because The Lord might yet save her. Keisha and Tara will be singing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow', and it's really weird to hear the original Judy Garland version rather than the Eva Cassidy or Israel Kamakawiwo'ole versions in this day and age that it almost sounds completely wrong. Keisha's first notes are a little scratchy, while Tara actually sounds good [except she has this weird startled expression on her face throughout the entire song, as if someone just jabbed her in the arse with a very large pin - Louise]. To be honest, if I were Tara, I'd spend more time practising the sing-off song than the main performance song too. Might as well play the odds, right? Actually, they both wind up sounding pretty good; infinitely better than the hot mess that Keisha and Cleo made of 'I Know Him So Well' last week.

Graham punts the decision over to Andrew. Andrew says that once again it's a very difficult decision, as usual, but he's got to think about the eight shows a week aspect and the connection to the song, so he saves Keisha. Keisha shakes it all out, and Tara takes it on the chin. Andrew calls her "the lovely, cheeky, poppy Tara", which I'm sure counts as a diss from musical theatre folk, and says that he agrees with the panel over the question over her ability to do eight shows a week at this stage [wait - they need to do EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK? Why has nobody mentioned this? - Carrie], and it wouldn't be fair on her, but wishes her the best of luck. [Notably, he doesn't mention anything about him being sure she'll have a huge career somewhere else in musical theatre, as he usually does to people with singing ability. - Carrie]

Tara tells Graham that the other girls are all fantastic and says that she's had an amazing experience. She thanks everyone who voted for her and says something in Welsh [because she is WELSH and from WALES - Carrie] before wishing luck to all the remaining girls. And with that it's time for the signature 'Be Back Soon'/'As Long As He Needs Me' send-off. Tara's take on the song is contained very much in her eyebrows, and Keisha (apparently the Helena/Lewis figure of this show now) strips Tara of her locket. Tara takes to the steps and proceeds to finish the song in a Cockney accent even more ill-advised than Actual Pirate Jessie's, but she just about hits all the right notes for the first and last time on the show, and I'm glad she got to do that at least once. Hawddamor, Tara!

It's a Nancy Liveblog!

2008-04-12T11:30:00.001-07:00

Third live show: 12th April 2008

Good evening, all, and welcome to our first IBA liveblog! Carrie and Georgi are here to narrate the unfolding drama, confused Barrowman metaphors, Lord Lloyd Webber's gurning and of course Graham Norton's innuendoes. Snarf.

Last week! Some took centre stage (Jessie, for example), some were shit according to Van Outen and Barrowman (Samantha, for example) and blah. This week, lots of very exciting things will happen. Apparently. Keisha wants to be Nancy. Shocker. This is I'd Do Anything!

Titles!

Here's Graham Norton, in a jade green suit with dark green piping and maroon silk shirt. It is not a good look. Barrowman and Van Outen are in their little gang; Barry Humphries judges them unfavourably; Andrew Lloyd Webber is quivering with excitement. Ew.

The Nancys sing It's A Fine Life. Niamh decides not to start on the right note; Sarah has developed long hair and looks good with it; Samantha manages to get a random audience member in the shot while she's singing; Francesca's bosom appears to have increased exponentially since last week. There is much skirt-swishing and stamping - and a key change! On the line about "tea-sipping and crumpets", the shot switches to Norton dipping a crumpet into a cup of tea. Fuck's sake. Apart from that, well done all! [I hate the group sings so much. Possibly because I hate every song from Oliver! except 'As Long As He Needs Me', which I love as much as I hate the rest of them.-Joel]

Tara's supporters have crayon drawings of her on their posters. What. The. Fuck?

Anyway, back over to Norton. He explains the concept of the show yet again, and mentions that the girls went to a film première this week, and the boys went to meet Robbie Keane of Tottenham and Ireland. I am not sure why.

He introduces us to our 'expert panel'. You know who they are. Van Outen has a nice dress. Barry Humphries has another classic suit [and still looks like a dodgy old perve with a Javier Bardem psycho killer haircut - Louise]. He is allowed to join in the 'we're not worthy' thing to Lloyd Webber again. [This week, with added jazz hands - Georgi] Lloyd Webber is angry about last week's result, as are we, but for different reasons. He reminds us to vote for people who can PLAY THE PART, not according to whether or not they are from Wales or Ireland.

So that makes Norton's next autocue line even more risible - "Belfast's Rachel!" Rachel has gone to meet the cast of Jersey Boys this week. Switch to Sarah, who has gone to see burlesque performer Immodesty Blaize this week to get her inner sex kitten unleashed. She is hoping to be more "mischievous, saucy Nancy" this week.

Hooray! This week they are singing SONGS FROM MUSICALS [and/or films - Georgi]. If anyone sings anything by Queen or Abba, I will cut a bitch. Andrew Lloyd Webber uses the word "Nancified". Ha.

Rachel is singing 'Oh What A Night' from the West End show Jersey Boys - NOT A MUSICAL. She has Boys dancing with her, which is nice, but her dress is not; it appears to have some form of hood growing from the waist. She forgets to sing a couple of words leading into the bridge, but nobody seems to care. She does a bit of dancing. It's OK. Then she does some scampering. Andrew Lloyd Webber seems to be trying to clap along.

Sarah is singing 'Maybe This Time' from Cabaret, which is one of my favourite songs EVER (this is Carrie typing). Her dress isn't doing her any favours; it is knee-length with some form of upholstery tassel trimming, and should either be lower cut or shorter. And more green, as she is supposed to be dressed in green, and this is a sort of pistachio colour. Her earrings are green, though. She too has some Boys, who are doing excellent Acting with her. It's a good performance, and she looks like she's about to cry at the end.

Norton talks to them and asks if the atmosphere has changed in the house. Rachel says it has. Then they wheel out some footage of Sarah aged 9 dancing in some sort of competition. LULZ. Denise says that she thinks they have the right leading lady qualities; Rachel delivers a show and is secure in herself; Sarah gave it to her (ooer) and gave a different performance from last week, but she still worries that she is more Country Life Nancy than East End Nancy. [Where does West End Nancy fall into that scale, I wonder? - Steve] Barry Humphries reminsces about playing Fagin, because HE HAS PLAYED FAGIN. He likens Rachel to Georgia Brown, the original Nancy, and says that Sarah's voice is like Nancy but doesn't look like her. Barrowman says Rachel could be Nancy, and he doesn't know what the others are talking about when they're talking about Sarah. Denise Van Outen tries to argue, and she and Barrowman bicker. [What is this, Strictly Come Dancing? - Georgi] When he gets to finish his comment, he suggests that Sarah dye her hair for next week, so the others don't just look at her blondeness. [Yes, because Denise Van Outen would judge people on being blonde... - Georgi] Lloyd Webber concurs with Barrowman, who looks smug and vindicated.

Next up, two Nancys who have both been in the sing-off - Francesca and Keisha. Francesca's parents were nervous for her, and glad that she wasn't in the sing-off for a second time last week. She is reminding us that she is from Swansea, which is in Wales, and hasn't just been an actress, but has also done other jobs. Keisha was terrible last week and deserved to get voted off, but for some reason ALW kept her in. She is "so grateful" and might actually make an effort this week. She has been "getting into the zone", and is "still a contender", apparently.

Francesca is first, singing 'Time of my Life' from Dirty Dancing, although it is a duet, so what's that about? Also, why doesn't she have a pink Baby dress? Although her black and white dress is quite nice. [On second viewing, there is a pale pink background on her dress. Very pale, though. - Carrie] Everyone has Boys to dance with this week. Her vocal is a bit weak in places. Keisha is singing 'The Lady is a Tramp', which is a classic, but too low for her. Perhaps they're trying to get rid of her again. It's definitely an improvement on last week, though. She's still like a children's TV presenter, however. [She's worse than that, she was way too much B&W Minstrels for my liking - Louise] [She's stunningly attractive, and has a great voice, but sing something sad and low-key already, missy.-Joel]

Francesca says it's horrific the week after being in the sing-off, and she has tried to support Keisha through it this week [did anyone else notice she called Keisha "Katie"? hee! - Louise]. Keisha reveals that she has about a million names [including Katie? - Louise]. Denise says that Francesca has the "rawness and roughness" that is right for the role. [But then, she has snogged her, so she may be biased. - Carrie] She doesn't see Keisha as a victim of Bill Sikes, though. Barry liked Francesca but would like "more raw emotion" because she has to "take the audience on a journey" - drink! He doesn't seem sure that Keisha can cope under pressure though. The Barrowman says Francesca was "superb, superb, superb". Fuck's sake, stop repeating yourself. [I throw a cushion at the telly. - Carrie] He thought Keisha performed like she was "on a cruise ship". Ha ha. Mr Webber says that he gets nervous when he watches Francesca because he worries about her pitching. He doesn't seem to understand the "I'm broke, it's oke" lyrics from 'Lady is a Tramp', but thinks it was unfair to criticise her for performing it in a period style.

Now it is time to "review the Oliver situation". AHAHAHA. The boys have gone to Tottenham to learn teamwork and stamina. Lord LW isn't happy because he supports Leyton Orient. Robbie Keane talks to the boys about doing something he loves doing, and encourages them to give 110%. Drink! Joe Lyons, the Spurs U11 coach, gives them little motivation chats about the importance of teamwork and doing the can-can. Srsly. Andrew and Cameron go to watch the boys play. How on EARTH can they judge how good an Oliver will be based on his footballing skills? Cameron asks them what they have learned about teamwork and stamina. They regurgitate their answers like good little parrots. Arthur is selected as the third Oliver through to the semi-final. Not entirely sure which one he is. He says he would like Samantha to be Nancy. Everyone whoops. Aw. [I am still Team Kwayedza. - Georgi] [I'm liking Team Harry - Louise] [Team Kwayedza! AKA Team The Only One I Don't Want To Punch In The Throat!-Joel]

The boys then sing 'Teamwork' from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Oh, clever! I (Carrie) don't really like any of the other potential Olivers (the ones that haven't gone through, obv) apart from Kwayedza. What does anyone else think? Norton speaks to ALW, who says they'd have done better if they'd gone to Leyton Orient to train. [I nearly hurled at the sight of ALW in a coral footie shirt. What's that all about? Ick! - Louise]

Remember what ALW said about not voting for people based on where they're from? Well, next up are "Falkirk's Ashley and Blackpool's Jodie". Ashley is singing a song from the musical Mamma Mia, which is NOT A MUSICAL, and she goes to see the show's leading lady and musical director. Jodie appreciates that she has to leave Blackpool to be successful. She has a serious song to sing this week, so she will tone down (and she sings this bit with ironic vibrato) "the cabareeeeeeeeeeeet!". Georgi quite rightly points out that Nancy is a little bit cabaret, seeing as she storms into rooms and encourages everyone to sing along with her while still admiring her performance.

Ashley is singing 'The Winner Takes It All', which is not from a musical. She does some Timid and Brokenhearted Acting, while wearing a lovely purple dress. She clutches her head when she sings "minds as cold as ice". Jodie is singing 'Send In The Clowns', which is fairly low down on the list of songs I'd expect her to sing, but she has her musical theatre voice in today and it's really, really, really good. Actually it's a weird song to vocally showcase anyone, seeing as any musicals anorak will tell you it was written by Stephen Sondheim for the non-singer Glynis Johns, and hence there are no sustained notes at the end of phrases, but it is an excellent Serious and Acting showcase, and she is fantastic. If Barrowman doesn't give her three repeated adjectives, I will set fire to him. [This was amazing. Jodie acted, rather than ACTED, and made her voice sound entirely different - like a sad middle-aged lady. Just awesome. Jodie for Nancy pliz.-Joel]

Norton asks them about practical jokes in the house. Jodie gave Ashley a fake scratchcard. HAHAHA. [Do you think she would quit this humiliating spectacle if she had actually won £25,000? - Georgi] Barrowman thought they were both spectacular [spectacular, spectacular! surely? - Georgi] performances, and Jodie has made him speechless. HOORAY! Barry Humphries thinks Ashley is now a "definite contender", and that Jodie is normally like a "beautiful barmaid...make mine a large one, please, Jodie". Hee! [Filth! - Georgi] [presumably because he hasn't (got a large one) - Louise] But now she has the poignancy Nancy needs. Denise agrees; she saw the heart of Nancy in Ashley, and Jodie toned down the cabaret to give a West End-Broadway leading lady performance. ALW thinks Ashley is extremely talented, but is worried we might get bored with her voice. Booooooooo! [He's right - I don't think she's interesting enough - Louise] He chose Jodie's song very deliberately, and is happy because she made it her own. Drink!

Our next two potential are "both young, from Ireland and desperate" - Niamh and Jessie. Niamh is homesick. Carrie is concerned that Zaron (Niamh's mum) is not a name, and I tend to agree. [Possibly if it's short for Zac Efron. - Steve] Niamh is impressed with herself about how well she is coping away from home. Jessie is Andrew's favourite, but Denise was disappointed with her acting last week - Jessie thinks it was because she isn't Cockney. She has been sent for vocal coaching this week [and I was not impressed. Her "bootifuls" were too Bernard Matthews and she sounded like she had a mouthful of marbles - Louise]. She feels that she is getting closer to her dream.

Emo Niamh is first, singing 'Moon River', and has hair like Audrey Hepburn. It's a shame she can't hit the notes. Her dress is pretty, too. She's still just not Nancy in my book. Jessie is singing 'One Night Only' from Dreamgirls, and there are boys in sparkly shirts behind her - so get ready to gay it up. Her dress looks like a nightie, and the choreography is, frankly, a bit racy for a Saturday night family show. [And the singing was unsuitable for anything, anywhere. Utterly dreadful. And stop swinging your arm, woman. Nancy is not a pirate. - Steve]

Graham points out that both of them are very young... oh, good, it's just some photos of them playing instruments when they were younger. I was worried there would be more home videos. Denise thinks that Niamh was "fragile" and beautiful, and Jessie was great. Jessie looks surprised, mainly because she wasn't as fabulous as she could have been. Barrowman says that Niamh could "redefine the role of Nancy", and Jessie was "flawless", which: no. Barry thought that Niamh "made that song, which has an incomprehensible lyric, make sense", but she needs to be tougher. He thought Jessie had a "bruised quality". ALW says it was a good night for the Irish. He thinks Niamh looks like a young Audrey Hepburn, and goes on to explain what "huckleberry friend" means. Meanwhile, Jessie: "Eight shows a week only." For she is the CHOSEN ONE.

Last week, Tara was sad because Van Outen spoke the truth and said she wouldn't be Nancy. She weeps and has a crisis of confidence, but then she is made better by a video message from her friends and family. IN CARDIFF. [At the Millennium Stadium. Which is IN CARDIFF. In WALES! - Georgi] Samantha was sad because Barrowman said she had cold, dead eyes and was not Nancy. The girls all went to a film première this week and saw George Clooney. "That is George Clooney. Right there," says Sam, pointing at him. Renée Zellweger walks past, looking far too thin. [And sucking a lemon, as usual. - Steve]

Tara is singing 'Let's Hear It For The Boy' from Footloose. She's really not very good, is she? Her dress is made of a billion ruffles. And obviously she has many Boys for this. Georgi suggests that Tara could be in Footloose the Musical and play Sarah Jessica Parker's role of Rusty [Let's face it, Soap Nancy Tara is shite and should stick to Pobol y Cwm. - Louise]. Samantha is singing 'Somewhere' from West Side Story. Her dress is lovely, all blue and chiffony. She doesn't sound very secure on her top notes; either that or the band are too loud. She does Acting and misses lots of notes [and gets the lyrics a bit wrong - Georgi]. Then at the big ending, she belts it and only manages to go in tune when she adds vibrato, which is one of my pet musical theatre hates. [WSS is my favourite musical of all time, evah! And she ruined a great song. She is NOT Nancy - Louise]

Norton talks to them about how nice George Clooney is, and shows an amusing photo of Clooney pulling a funny face while posing with the girls. HAHAHA. Barrowman says Tara's voice wasn't good enough and Sam was too nervous and fucked up the lyrics. Then he starts shouting a bit, for some reason, and says, "It's CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM." [Despite the fact that nobody was even bothering to boo him. - Georgi] Barry Humphries wants Tara to do better Acting, and Tara gripes about the song choice [To be fair, 'Let's Hear it for the Boy' is a hard song to make about DEATH - Georgi] [DEPTH, you lunatic. - Carrie] and that she had been ill. Barrowman interjects, "We all get sick IN THE WEST END." Van Outen says it was Tara's best performance, but it was still shit, and judges Sam's Acting unfavourably. ALW says Tara needs a better song, and that he is staggered about John and Denise's comments about Sam because SHE IS ONLY SEVENTEEN, and he is not surprised that she faltered because SHE IS SO YOUNG. [Maybe she is too young to play Nancy then? Do you think, maybe, Mr Webber, sir? Gah. - Georgi]

That's your lot for this evening - dial now to save your favourite Nancy. Recap! Our top Nancys for this week were Sarah and Jodie. Jessie still hasn't done a bad performance. Everyone else was so-so. Tara probably deserves to get voted off. Join Steve tomorrow for the results, when the Nancys meet "former Joseph Ben", who is in Hairspray! Whoop!

And then there were 10...

2008-04-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

It's the results show! Cue titles. Norton strides on to the strains of Consider Yourself in a ghastly petrol blue shiny tux with an orange shirt.There must have been a power cut.

Teh gurlz perform the opening bars of Oom Pah Pah AGAIN. Have they forgotten we had to sit through this last night? The mockney accents are out in full force. Norton comments about them sitting on their bustles.

The Nancys will be facing their fears in this week's mission and the Olivers will be back (groan). Cue reintroductions of teh panel and Phantom music for the Lord.

We get a quick recap of Saturday's solo performances. Francesca doesn't want to be in the sing-off again and is gratified to have the judges' support. Tara is gutted her voice didn't hold out. Jodie wants to be back next week - she's not cabaret, she's West End. Norton asks the Nancys what they thought about the judges' comments. Keisha says she's a fighter. [BORING. Fuck off. Get on with it. - Carrie]

Mission time! Nancy lived in an evil Dickensian slum, with a violent boyfriend, so naturally it's time to scare the Nancys. They get confronted with rats and there's much screeching. Niamh's freaking. Rachel says it's spine-chilling and she's disgusted. But it's not over yet - Bill Sikes, played by actor Stephen Hartley [whom I love a little bit - Carrie] for the mission, is lurking around the corner and the Nancys get tested on their Acting skills as they do the scene where Nancy stands up to Sikes before he kills her.

Denise van Outen is watching: Sarah has a real attitude. Rachel looks like she's going to have an asthma attack but DVO thinks she can do it (although she doubts it can be 8 times a week). Jessie was apparently all over the place and Jodie was disappointing, as she didn't Feel The Fear.

Cut back to the studio: ALW is stroking a rat (no, not Humphries), which Norton claims was found in the BBC canteen. DVO says she found the mission revealing. ALW: "Nancy has to be tough."

The 11 go back on stage for a group rendition of No More Tears (Streisand/Summer). They are all in long black gowns with huge gold belts. Tara still looks like Heather Mills. Niamh comes across as strong. Keisha still looks like a TV presenter. [This is one of my favourite songs EVER. Not this version of it, though. - Carrie]

ALW: "Niamh was extraordinary, and Jessie and Rachel. So many great girls."

Norton asks the judges who stood out. The Dame is rooting for Niamh and Rachel. JB opts for Ashley and Cleo, who both exuded a strong sexiness. DVO doesn't get a say.

Cut to Chester: he's really excited. We get a quick profile: he's 12 and his hobbies are dancing, acting, singing and cooking. [Oh, Chester. Email me in six years' time, when you want to spend your Friday nights in London's Trendy West End, and not the theatre district, OK? - Carrie] The Olivers perform Pie Jesu together. Gwion just looks too angelic, goody-goody, butter wouldn't melt to be Oliver. At their age, they probably don't realise that what they are singing would, if translated, see them renditioned out to Guantanamo Bay for a spot of light waterboarding.

But never mind that. Norton says the burning question now is "who's through?" He asks the panel "who is not Nancy?". JB says Samantha, while DVO and the Dame are both keen to kick out Keisha.

It's time for the results: Ashley, Niamh, Jessie, Jodie (who share a quick hug), Samantha, Francesca, Rachel and Sarah are all through. Cleo, Tara and Keisha are left.

Tara looks like she knows she's going home, but it's Keisha who learns first that she's in the sing-off. Tara is then told she is safe after all. So - both the Black Nancys are in the sing-off. [Racialist British public! - Carrie] My cash is on Keisha going home tonight. She had the lowest public vote.

They're singing I Know You So Well from Chess [and to be frank they're not a patch on your Bitching team, who have sung this song in a variety of Elaine/Barbara combinations - Carrie]. Norton reminds them: "Slip up now and you could regret it for the rest of your life". ALW looks grim then winces at one of Keisha's notes. In fact, it's bum notes galore and when duetting it's hard to tell who's more out of tune. Keisha's voice seems thin in places and Cleo is definitely acting it better. [Keisha gets the show-off Paige descant, and still fucks it up. Cleo was much more sensitive in her performance. - Carrie]

ALW: "Nothing is so good it lasts eternally. It's a difficult choice, the most difficult of the series so far." Er, this IS only the second sing-off, we're not in week 9 yet. But, based on what he just heard, shock! He's saving Keisha! Cleo is out. The Lord tells Cleo: "You were fantastic, tonight was not the right result but you have a place in the West End." Er, if it's not the right result, why is he booting her and saving Keisha? [Bullshit judging, Webber, you fool. Why do you do this? - Carrie]

Cleo makes a brief fighting talk speech then it's time for her to sing out the show. She gets a standing ovation from the studio audience. Keisha looks pained - she knows she's still only in thanks to the grace of the Lord (although gawd knows why, she was easily the worst this week). And then there were ten...

11 fillies champing at the bit

2008-04-06T05:58:00.000-07:00

Second live show: Saturday, 5th April 2008

It's Saturday night. I have a bottle of wine at the ready. There are 11 Nancys left, and tomorrow one more will be voted off! Welcome to I'd Do Anything! Last week! "The standard was scorching." Amy got voted off. Tonight! The Olivers will perform again! Various cliches: Cleo does not want her Nancy journey to end! Francesca does deserve to be here! Keisha is ready to fight all the way! Which Nancy will you choose? Can you be arsed to vote?

Titles!

The audience are clapping along to Graham's entrance music, 'Consider Yourself'. Drink! The fans are here, the band is ready, the panel are perched (and John and Denise still have a club that Barry isn't allowed to join) and the Lord is delirious with excitement. Are you sure that's not just constipation? Time to welcome the Nancys, this week performing 'Oom-Pah-Pah'. Aww, bless, the little Olivers are all clapping along. Some of them don't know the moves. All the ladies are doing quite good Nancying. Least convincing, for my money: Niamh. Here goes Graham with a drum. Must he participate? I prefer it when he keeps a good sneering distance from proceedings.

It's the second show, Graham tells us, "and already everyone's talking about who will play Nancy and Oliver in the West End." Forgive me for being pernickety, but that is the point of the show, isn't it? [That's what I thought when he said that. V odd scripting. - Carrie] Anyway, I think he means London's Trendy West End. ALW can save one girl every week, meaning he can pretty much control exactly who gets through to the final. Don't forget to vote now! "Like the Grand National, we've got no frontrunner, but we've got 11 fillies champing at the bit." Yes, I was expecting horse-related punnage this evening. Fortunately none of the Nancys are horse-faced, so nobody should take too much offence. The Olivers will be performing too, but nobody cares because we can't vote for them and make the losers cry.

Graham introduces the panel and Andrew Lloyd Webber. Cue Phantom music. Graham recycles his "don't make a face, you wrote it" joke from last series. Graham reminds us that Oliver! isn't a Lloyd Webber production, presumably to try and quieten some of the critics who are saying he's just getting free publicity from the BBC. You know who you are, Kevin Spacey. [Who does, to be fair, have a point. - Carrie] Andrew says the Nancys have to show a sense of humour, which they've all just done with 'Oom-Pah-Pah', so we can tick that one off the list. They also have to have "vulnerability... combined with real steel". Graham asks rhetorically whether the Nancys will be able to live up to Andrew's "Great Expectations". Dickens-related pun! Drink! He also reiterates the part that we're casting, in case you had forgotten: Nancy "has a heart of gold, but is also a bit of a floozie... a Victorian Kat Slater, if you will".

First out of the gates tonight, Emo Nancy Niamh and Urban Nancy Cleo. Niamh didn't mind being compared to Wednesday Addams by Barry last week, because she used to dress up as her for Hallowe'en, but this week she wants to show something different. She's got an upbeat song, and also some Boys to dance with. The backing dancers seem to have been mixing it up in the Nancy Mansion. Niamh wants to show the panel that she's "not a one-trick pony". Cleo "felt like a star" last week. She feels like she's "being chiselled" because she is a "street kid, from an estate". She wants to "seize the opportunity" and keep focused, and, as we know, she doesn't want her Nancy journey to end. Drink!

Niamh is first up, singing 'I've Got the Music in Me'. She looks like she's enjoying her Boys. It's a pretty good pop performance, but is it a Nancy performance? I'm not sure. Kudos for hitting that high note at the end though. Cleo is taking on the legend that is Nina Simone with her rendition of 'Feeling Good'. She has Boys as well, but only two of them. It's a bit risky tempting comparison with Nina Simone, but I think Cleo got away with it. [And, indeed, John Barrowman, whom I was fully expecting to leap out of his seat and shout, 'I SING THIS SONG! I SANG IT FOR THE QUEEN, DAMN YOU!' - Carrie]

Graham says he's heard that Niamh is eating a lot of greens, and she reveals that she has developed a taste for olives. Cleo eats lots of raw vegetables because she wants to live to 150. Are we really interested in the Nancys' dietary habits? Denise thinks that Niamh isn't a one-trick pony but "a winning racehorse" and she gave "a leading lady performance" because although she had lots of dancers, she held the focus of attention. Denise's concern about Niamh is whether she's "too fragile" to be Nancy. Cleo's vocal was "earthy" and Denise liked the rawness, but she doesn't like her "pained expression" and wants to see her loosen up. Barry thinks both of them are wonderful and thinks they should all get a show of their own. He says Niamh has "a waif-like quality", which isn't necessarily right for Nancy, "a victim of domestic violence" - glad someone on the panel is keeping it real. He sees her on album covers. Cleo has "always been a favourite" of Barry's and he heard "anguish" in her voice. John thought that Niamh was "wicked, outstanding and wonderful, absolutely spot-on", while Cleo was "missing the connection with the words". The Lord thinks that they've "put the reality back into reality TV - you're that good". Nobody seems sure what to make of that comment. Niamh is also busy putting "the vamp into vampire", and hers was "an actress's performance". Andrew doesn't want to "Cleopatronise" Cleo - ha ha! - but he found her exciting and thought she had come on since last week.

Our second pair of Nancys are Keisha and Samantha. Last week Keisha was compared to a young Shirley Bassey, so to belabour the comparison, she's going to sing 'Get The Party Started' in an M&S-ad style. Just asking for trouble, if you ask me. Meanwhile, I warm to 18-year-old Samantha in her VT, when she claims that now she has worn hotpants on national TV, she feels like she can do anything! There's an attitude I like. Keisha's performance is a bit too children's TV presenter for my liking, and her pitching at the start of the "I'm coming out..." line is dodgy. [Also, I hate when people sing the backing vocal bits as well as the melody. It sounds stupid and rushed. - Carrie] Meanwhile, Samantha is singing Girls Aloud's 'See the Day', and while I never thought I'd say this about a Girls Aloud song, I'm not sure she has the maturity and emotional depth for this sort of thing. Ooh, key change! Drink!

Over to the panel. John thinks that Keisha "didn't meet the Bassey challenge" and Samantha's performance was "emotionally empty" - eek, I hate it when I agree with the Barrowman [I also agreed with JB - both performances were pants - Louise]. Denise agrees with John that Keisha wasn't Nancy because she was too "wide-eyed and cutesy", but she thought Samantha was good. Barry seems to be turning into the Sharon Osbourne of the series, as there's not a Nancy he doesn't like [the Dame is fast turning into the dirty old ~~perve~~ man of the show, he has a nasty leer in his eye - Louise]. He thought Keisha was "feisty", while Samatha was "magnificent... like a younger and more interesting Catherine Zeta Jones", although we have yet to learn whether she has "a taste for older men". There's that roguish Fagin charm coming through, see? [I nearly had an aneurysm from laughing at this. - Carrie] Meanwhile, Mr Webber thinks that Keisha needed "more tiger in the tank" to do the lady from Tiger Bay justice, while he feels that Samantha has "the makings of a real Nancy in theatre terms", which I interpret to mean people would come to see her because she's hot.

There's obviously an odd number of Nancys this week, which means one of them isn't presented in a pair, and this week it's sing-off survivor Francesca. She's worried that people aren't voting for her because they think she's already a professional actress and shouldn't be in the competition, but unfortunately she just sounds like she's trying to make people feel sorry for her, and I don't think it's going to gain her any votes. As Steve said last week, Francesca was the best thing about Rent Remixed (not that that's saying a lot), but she has yet to make me like her. It's not going to help that she's singing 'Somebody to Love' from We Will Rock You, which I feel obliged to point out is NOT A PROPER MUSICAL [I also pointed this out to my living room in general at high volume - Carrie]. Also, Francesca's high notes are questionable, just like they were last week. This year's Helena, perhaps?

Yet again, the Barrowman gets first bite at the apple and tells Francesca that her "pitch problem" was sorted (not by my ear!) and that it was a "great, good, gritty performance". Barry's Nancy-adjective of the evening is "feisty", but he's a bit worried that Nancy was a gin-drinking gal, while Francesca looks "dairy-fed". Denise thinks that Francesca had "bucketloads of grit", and that being in the bottom two was the best thing that could have happened to Francesca (apart from, like, not being in the sing-off, obv) because Nancy is a fighting girl, and she had to fight her way back into the competition. ALW is glad that he saved her, because she's prettier than Amy (okay, I might have made that up) and she's "a professional". I thought they weren't looking for a professional? Whatevs.

Time for a little Oliver interlude. This week, the Olivers have been to visit the production of Billy Elliott, tried on some costumes, and done some Acting to impress the Lord and Sir. The Olivers get to perform 'Electricity' from Billy Elliott, complete with name-straps, in an attempt to get us interested in the process. Blond Sam still freaks me out, Jordan is way too stage-school, and Joseph's quite rubbish. Gwion gets to participate, although he's already through - he's going to need to work on that accent though. After the song, we discover that the next Oliver through to the semi-final (I still don't understand how this works - could somebody explain it, please?) is Chester, which leads me to suspect that ALW and Cameron Mackintosh are judging the Olivers based on our blog. [Hooray! - Carrie] [I'm definitely rooting for Team Chester - Louise] In which case: I'm liking Kwayedza this week, although I'm not sure about the potential for Black Oliver - I assume at least his mother would have been white. Still, I'm an expert on neither Dickens or Victorian England, and I think Kwayedza deserves to go through, if you're listening, Messrs Webber and Mackintosh. [I refer you to my black Oliver thesis in Nancy School week 2... - Carrie] Graham Norton asks Chester whether he has a favourite Nancy, and he plumps (no pun intended) for Jodie, who looks like she might cry, although he also quickly adds that he loves them all.

Back to Nancy business, and Rachel and Sarah are next. I quite like Sarah, and I love the fact that her brother says that when she sings, it's "like a thousand stars bursting". Aww, bless his little cotton socks. Sarah's a bit concerned at her little brother seeing her more sexy performance this week, though. Rachel's VT is so much BLAH. Sarah is singing 'Take Another Little Piece of my Heart', and I'm sure she, like me, grew up with the Erma Franklin version and not Beverley bloody Knight [and let's NOT forget Janis Joplin, my fellow bitch-bloggers - Louise] [Georgi's point is right, though; Erma Franklin's version was released in the UK in 1992, hence Sarah would have grown up with that, or at least the advert it was used on, like Georgi and I (and I presume Steve and Joel) did - Carrie]. I'm liking it, anyway. She's got quite a voice on her. Ooh, key change! Drink! Rachel sings Xtina's 'Beautiful', which: blah.

Srsly, why does John Barrowman always get to go first? Sort it out, Norton! John says that Rachel's "honesty gave me chills", and repeats the word "beautiful" three times. WE GET IT, BARROWMAN. [Rachel failed to convince me at all - too much over-Acting that suggested she hadn't convinced herself either - Louise.] He thought that Sarah was "strong and consistent, but missing a slight edge". Barry says that Rachel is "a small girl" who gave "a big performance", although Sarah is smaller. He thinks Sarah is more Wizard of Oz than Oliver! OMG, Barry Humphries is in Steve's head! Or reading our blog. Or both. Eek. I wouldn't wish being in Wicked on anyone, though. [I am very excited about the idea that they're all reading our blog and using it to form their opinions. In which case - Barrowman, stop talking about your penis. Mackintosh, have you cast Richard Armitage as Sikes yet? Lloyd Webber, can I come to your own personal theatre and sing for a bit? - Carrie] Denise says that while both Nancys were "vocally strong", Rachel was "mindblowing" and made the song her own - drink! At this rate, I'm going to need another bottle of pinot grigio. With Rachel, Denise has the same concerns as John - she's "smiley and nice", and not a "street urchin". I think Sarah just needs more to work with, and a chance to unleash that filthy laugh again. ALW says that Rachel's song could have backfired because she is so beautiful (bleurgh), but it was "a triumph" because she sang it as though she was trying to convince herself that she was beautiful. He doesn't agree with the negative comments about Sarah, because he thinks she's "the other side of what Nancy could be". John tries to argue. Don't argue with the Lord if you know what's good for you, Barrowman!

Our next two Nancys are Tara and Jodie. Tara was the weakest link last week, and Denise thought she deserved to go out. She's crying in the VT - boo! Nancy wouldn't cry in public. Tara insists that she's not "polished", and hopes that she will show her raw side this week. Jodie thinks that 'Chasing Pavements' showed her serious side, and she's pleased to have something more up-tempo to sing this week. But disaster strikes! when she comes down with the flu and is banned from singing, or even speaking. Let's hope she's alright on the night.

Tara is introduced as "Welsh Nancy", which suggests that the producers don't think that Francesca needs regional support - which might be where she's going wrong. Tara is singing 'Without You', and does quite a good job of what's quite a difficult vocal, but I just don't see her as Nancy at all. She's still Acting way too hard, and her voice is nice, but it's a pop voice [Tara is so not Nancy, but I can see her as Mucca in Heather Mills - the Musical, on the courthouse steps chucking a bucket of water over the Lord - Louise]. Jodie, meanwhile, has her diva shoes on to sing 'I'm Every Woman', and she even has dancing boys. I know Carrie's jealous. [Heh. Definitely. You wait. A troupe of boys is my DESTINY. - Carrie] I'm not sure the song quite suits Jodie though, and ALW doesn't look impressed. It's early days, but I think Jodie might be my favourite Nancy, or at least the most Nancy-ish one. Key change! Drink! It has been a good show for key changes. Perhaps the producers are trying to cater to the drinking-game-playing demographic. I'll have to crack open the Smirnoff soon.

Let's see what the panel have to say. Denise, who condemned Tara last week, thought that she wasn't overacting and managed to "pull it back", so we saw her vulnerability, but ultimately the song was "too big" for her, ie she didn't really have the range and her vocal was "strained" on the top notes. However, she loved Jodie's performance, although as a former cabaret singer, Jodie needs to be careful of the "cabaret endings" to her notes. John loved Tara, and says that Jodie was very showbiz, but "you represent every woman who watches this show". I think he just called her common. Barry says that Tara "sold the song", but she was "a little chaste", in contrast to Jodie's "raunchy and powerful" performance. Mr Webber says that he's hit a "speedbump" in the evening because Tara had a difficult song which was "difficult to act in that key" (what?) and she didn't make it her own (anti-Drink!), and really he didn't think the songs suited either of the Nancys.

The final two Nancys of the evening are Ashley and Jessie. Denise criticised Ashley last week for being "too jazz hands". Apparently she's the comedian of the Nancy Mansion. This week, she wants to give "an honest performance", and not be too OTT. Denise criticised Jessie's posture last week, so she is spending "every waking and sleeping moment" in six-inch heels, which: OUCH! Also, she's getting some help from "some well-heeled ladies" - that is, members of the cast of Chicago. Excuse me, but why is she the only one getting special treatment? Could Jessie be the Chosen One?

Ashley's singing Duffy's hit single 'Mercy', and she has a Boy to work with, but she doesn't have the gravelly quality I'd like to hear, she's barely interacting with her Boy, and she doesn't really look sure what she's doing. In all, not the best performance [she certainly didn't look like she was begging for mercy to me - Louise]. Jessie's singing 'Killing Me Softly', and although her vocal is a bit breathy, it's a beautifully understated performance - although at some points, she's in danger of being drowned out by the backing vocals. She seems to have solved her posture problems by singing in a skyward direction all the time.

Denise says that she was worried about Ashley last week, but she was "fantastic", and Denise "loved the movement with the guy". She's glad that Jessie took her comments from last week onboard, and thought she was "a hundred times better" and she has a "special quality". Eau de Chosen One? John thinks that Ashley "put some Glasgow in it", which is fairly meaningless, and Jessie, "one word - perfection". Barry loved both performances, as he seem to have loved every performance this evening. He thought Jessie "touched the heart" and showed "defiance and tenderness", while Ashley had "more warmth", like "an attractive Fergie". This prompts ALW to respond: "What's the matter with Fergie? She speaks well of you." I don't think ALW needs to name-drop [maybe not, but the Dame deserved ALW's bitchback at him - Louise]. Anyway, he wants Ashley to stay in because he thinks she has "a lot to explore". Of Jessie, he responds, "Never mind killing me softly with your song, you're pinning me to the back wall with your talent." Jessie tells Graham that she appreciates it if the panel want to give her tips on improving her performance.

That's your lot for this evening! I still haven't decided on my favourite Nancy, but Cleo, Sarah, Jodie and Jessie are the frontrunners. Tomorrow - the Nancys come face-to-face with some rats! Join Louise for our results round-up.

Epilogue: John Barrowman has his own quiz show? With children?! Jesus H Christ.

No R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2008-03-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

Results show: Sunday, 30th March 2008

Welcome back to Sunday night's results show, which starts with the Nancys singing 'I'd Do Anything' again - and a little "What, fisticuffs?" from Graham Norton. They're not going to sing this every week, are they? It could get tired.

The panel are back, Lord Webber is back - who, we are reminded, will be able to save one Nancy every week. Cue Phantom music - DRINK! Time for a quick recap. Backstage, Jessie emphasises that she "really would do anything" for the role. Get down to ALW's dressing room then, what are you waiting for? [Yes, would she suck, oh never mind.... - Louise] Mini-Nancy Sarah is in tears backstage. We've seen all the rest before.

To fill some time, Graham's chatting to the Nancys. Niamh says it's nice to see their families in the audience because they haven't seen them for two weeks. Francesca says it will be awful for anyone to get voted out, blah blah whatevs.

There's a VT of their first Nancy task of going to work in an East End market, and also eating traditional East End food like jellied eels. Yummy. The stallholders say working in a market is just like being in a theatre, because you're selling yourself as well as your goods. Jessie had a "nice personality", but Fran was shy. They can't help but break into song though. [EastEnders is still far more interesting than watching Nancy wannabes pretend to be real stall holders - watch Bianca's return this week and weep... - Louise]

Back in the studio, ALW is tucking into a bowl of jellied eels. "You know what the Cockney rhyming slang for Lionel Bart is, don't you?" he teases Graham. The Nancys are performing Girls Aloud's 'Sound of the Underground', and Graham asks ALW what he's looking for. "I'm looking for it to start," he replies. The Lord is in a cheeky mood tonight, obviously. John says that he's going to be keeping an eye on Francesca and Samantha. The performance is all so much whatever. [I loved it. I'm so easy to please. - Steve] Mr Webber says all of the Nancys stand out in different ways. Denise "thought Jodie was fantastic" and she "loved Jessie as well", while Samantha caught Barry's eye.

Time for a quick introduction to our first Oliver. Gwion does tap dancing and surfing and he thinks he's tough. Now they're singing 'Bright Eyes', with Gwion singing solo. Out of tune. Yeech. Also, what's with the red lipstick? [Heh, MAC finest, obviously, but he looked like a young TV and it was pretty yuk, tbh - Louise] He'll have to get rid of that Welsh accent.

Graham quickly asks the panel who isn't Nancy. Tara and Amy aren't popular. One Nancy's dream is about to come to an end! So here are the results - in no particular order. Cleo is through. Samantha and Rachel are both through, as are Tara and Keisha. Ashley and Jodie are through. We're down to the final five. Jessie is through - that was a no-brainer. Francesca is in the bottom two. [DO NOT WANT. - Steve] [At least this averts the 'It's a fix!' bullshit for a while.-Joel] Emo Niamh could still be Nancy. So, only one of Amy and Sarah can go through, and it is... Sarah, meaning Francesca and Amy are the least popular. I love how they tell them what the result would be if it all rested on viewer votes - Amy, in this case, or Ugly Nancy, as I like to call her. Is it just me, or does Graham Norton seem to be in a bit of a hurry?

The sing-off song is 'Tell Me on a Sunday', and Amy is singing first. It's a bit of a wobbly start. Francesca's voice is better, but I think Amy has more personality [but did you notice how her mouth did a weird vertical oblong on the long notes? Very distracting - Louise]. They're both acting their little socks off. Down to Lord Webber. Both of the Nancys are crying. It's hard, but he's going to save... Francesca, predictably, because the standard is so high and Amy "bottled out on the intonation and the tuning". She better pull herself together to sing them out. It's a combination of 'Be Back Soon' and 'As Long as He Needs Me'. Amy puts on a good show [apart from the last note - Carrie], and Francesca is still blubbing away.

Thus the devastation begins - join us again next week, when another Nancy's dream will be shattered!

The dirty dozen

2008-03-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

First live show: Saturday, 29th March 2008

Welcome to our first live show blog! Mr Webber faces his toughest challenge yet! Tonight the Nancys and Olivers sing live for the first time! Whoop! And tomorrow night (don't get me started) one of each will be voted out for good!

Titles!

Please welcome your host, Graham Norton. He's clearly found his niche, pretending to be nice to performing hopefuls while secretly sneering behind their backs. Anyway, the band is ready, the panel is preened (cue jazz hands from the Barrowman and Denise Van Outen, in their little club as always) [WTF are jazz hands? I've been pondering this for 24 hours! - Louise] [it's when you splay your arms out to the side and wave them - Carrie], and the Lord has returned to his throne (no Phantom music as yet though).

So, as is traditional, to open the show, the Nancys and Olivers perform the title song. There's way really way too much going on to judge any of it. I must say the Nancy dresses are quite hideous - way worse than the Maria ones - and it's a shame they can't have the ritual derobing of the week's loser, because that caused us much amusement during Any Dream Will Do. Or perhaps they have velcro fastenings and the losing Nancy could be stripped down to her Victorian undergarments? Or, you know, in the best Dickens tradition, perhaps she will just be bludgeoned to death. It all works for me.

Graham gets in the first of, doubtless, many puns to do with "Olivers army" and "bunch of Nancys". Start as you mean to go on. The chosen Nancy's life will change 4EVA! Welcome back the panel: John "Captain Jack" Barrowman, [Rancid as he can be, I think Barrowman's time on Broadway and West End roles in Miss Saigon, Beauty and the Beast, Grease, Hair, Sunset Boulevard, Chicago and Phantom qualify him to judge this show rather more than his Captain Jack role.-Joel] West End Leading Lady Denise Van Outen, and this year's new addition, Barry Humphries, aka Dame Edna Everage, and who, for the doubters out there who think he might not be qualified to judge, was in the original production of Oliver! and has played Fagin twice in the West End. So there. He's garishly dressed in a pink jacket. Let's not forget Andrew Lloyd Webber *cue Phantom music* - DRINK! Don't forget it's all down to YOU and YOUR VOTES.

All diff what characteristics? Everyone at home will have a different view about Nancy. Dickens wrote about a woman who stood by her man because she loved him. ALW goes on about Aoife doing Chess, Ben in Hairspray, Daniel in Avenue Q [oh, sure, NOW he's proud of Daniel - Still Bitter Steve] and - exclusive! - Seamus as Che in Evita! Am so booking tickets for that. Go Team Seamus! [Seamus is hot. That is all.-Joel]

Graham explains the plot of Oliver! and how Nancy "perishes for her good deeds at the hands of Eric Sykes - Eric, Bill, whatever." Ha ha. You've ruined the end now!

The first two Nancys to perform are curly-mopped Irish Nancy Jessie and crazy-as-a-loon miracle-dieter Jodie (whose boyfriend is in the audience, presumably on their eighth date). Jessie has been turned down twice for drama school. Her dad's called Tim Buckley. She is from IRELAND - but Ireland won't be able to vote for her, because they can't vote. Ha ha. Jodie lives at home with "a montage of animals", apparently. Oh, she meant "menagerie". She does seem like the crazy spinster type. She's done cabaret and the working men's club circuit, and sings to her animals. She's going to put "everything Nancy needs to be into every performance that I do". Good for her.

Graham tells Mr Webber that viewers can press the red button to go interactive, and ALW asks why it can't be blue to go with his throne. Graham seems as bemused as most of the viewers. On with the show.

Last week, ALW called Jessie a "world-class performer" (that is, he said one of the four girls he called back to sing was world-class, and it was obvious that he meant Jessie), so it's not surprising that she's been selected to open the show. She is wearing green because she is IRISH and from IRELAND. Her dress is Tina Turner-style mini and sparkly, and she does look quite fabulous. She's singing 'River Deep Mountain High', and it's a belting vocal performance.

Jodie's Story is that she has lost eight and a half stone. Also, from what we could tell during the audition shows, she's completely mental. I'm a bit concerned about her dress. Most of the time it gives good cleavage, but sometimes her boobs bulge over the top a bit too much. [I rather think the dress is off-the-peg and though it fits round the waist, she needs a bigger size for her bosom. It's a common problem. - Carrie] She's singing Adele's 'Chasing Pavements'. It lends itself quite well to being sung in a musicals style. (Fact: urbandictionary.com defines 'chasing pavements' as "Slang term used for the act of specifically searching for a partner with whom to engage in either rimming, frosting or other scat-related activities." [Sheesh, I had wondered what that pavement stuff was about but that is TMI - Louise] I'll let you decide for yourselves whether Jodie managed to emote that.) Her boyfriend seems to have enjoyed it.

Jessie says she can't believe she's here, and the last thing she wants to do is get on the flight back to Ireland - "not that there's anything wrong with Ireland", she's quick to backtrack. Don't worry, they can't vote or anything. Jodie is just "so grateful to be here".

John Barrowman gets right of first comment, and sits on the fence: "You are both definitely serious contenders to be Nancy." Yes, well, they wouldn't be in the final 12 if they weren't presumably. Although, having said that, I wouldn't have described most of the final 12 Josephs as "serious contenders". First ridiculous metaphor of the night ahoy! I hope you have your drinks in hand, as John tells Jessie, "You're like a wild Irish pony - but can you be the thoroughbred?" DRINK! That doesn't even make sense. Is this the sort of thing we've got to look forward to for the next few weeks? Barrowman is loving Jodie because she "connected with everybody" and told a story. Denise says that both performances were "vocally fantastic". She tells Jessie to be careful with her posture, but she loved Jodie's vocal because "it's so heartfelt" and she sees Nancy's life experience in her performance. Barry says he wouldn't want to be on stage playing Fagin with either of them because nobody would look at him, and calls their performances "definitive". He tells Jessie she has "vulnerability and a touch of the guttersnipe", which is obviously just what they're looking for, while Jodie was "strong", with "toughness and tenderness".

ALW says that if Jodie lost eight and a half stone, she's lost the entire weight of Jessie. I think he just called her a fat cow - you've lost her weight and you're still twice her size! Jessie looks flattered that he thinks she's only eight and a half stone. He wonders if the viewers will think she's too young, but wants to remind the viewers that Nancy was that young. He says the interesting thing is that these two contrasting girls could both play the role.

Next up are Welsh ex-soap star Tara and Scottish redhead Ashley. Tara's father was a wrestler called, hilariously, El Bandito, but she never thought of becoming a wrestler. She played a "Footballers' Wives-type character" in a Welsh soap. Ashley is from Scotland and Scottish. She has auditioned for a lot of parts but never gets any. I'm saying nothing. Ashley has gone the Alesha route and brought out her nans early (Cecilia and Isabella) - expect them to feature on a weekly basis, should she become a contender. She got sacked from a debt collector's office the day before her Nancy audition, and she is "hungry for it - in fact I'm starving".

Tara is singing 'Suddenly I See'. Her dress is barely covering her pants - let's hope she's wearing some. I've been trying to resist complaining about it, but sorry: WHAT is the point of making people sing pop songs like this? It really gives us NO FUCKING CLUE about how good they would be at playing Nancy. I'm just saying. She's giving it all her Acting, but is slightly slipping on some of the high notes. [Tara, apart from the short dress/commando issue and JB's comments on her legs (like he'd care) , was totally rubbish and is so NOT Nancy - Louise]

Ashley - totally loving her dress, but then it's blue and it has good cleavage... in fact, isn't that Belinda's 'Over the Rainbow' dress? - is singing 'Black Velvet'. I used to like this song, until I heard her singing it. It's all the woa-oah bits I don't like. Too much pointing as well. Frankly, neither of these two performances have the strength of the last two.

Graham asks who would win in a Dickensian brawl. Tara thinks she'd win, as a wrestler's daughter, but Ashley retaliates, "Have you never seen Braveheart?" I agree with Graham - my money's on Ashley.

Denise says they both connected with their songs, but "both of you need to sit back on it a bit, you both went a bit crazy." I thought that was Theatre Acting? Let's ask the Barrowman - after all, he Knows His Craft. Denise thinks Tara was a bit too polished, and Ashley goes "a bit too jazz hands". Barry thinks that Tara is too modern: "It's hard to see you in the 19th century, but you're such a good actress you could probably play a Stone Age girl." Maybe in the new Roland Emmerich film. He thinks Ashley's performance was "passionate and engaging". Typically, John thinks "both of them are leading lady standard", but they need to "rough it up a bit". The Nancys try to mess up their hair a bit. Use your imagination, man. Barrowman uses the excuse of Ashley being Scottish to put on his Scottish accent. ALW agrees with John about "the roughing up", and says that everyone will have a different idea of what Nancy should be like.

Time to take a quick break from the main proceedings to see the Olivers - but frankly, we won't be able to vote, so what's the point? They're singing 'Food Glorious Food', and their acting is better than most of the Nancys so far. Our favourite is still Welsh Oliver. [I'm still utterly Team Chester. - Steve] That little blond one freaks me out though - vote him off! I'm not sure how the panel are going to judge the Olivers on one group performance, but who says this needs to make sense?

Graham asks ALW to explain why they're picking not one but three Olivers - obviously because they have to share the part so they can still go to school. Duh. Later we'll see them performing their first "Oliver task". Woo!

Next up, Amy and Keisha. Amy is from a council estate, and now she's in the "Nancy mansion". She's easily impressed. She played Velma in Scooby Doo, and is worried about being typecast as a kooky comedy sidekick. [As someone who was cast as a kooky comedy sidekick in almost every play I ever did, I take offence to that. It's nice work if you can get it! - Steve] Apparently it's already changed her life. Keisha is studying English, even though she wants to be in the theatre. She says there was pressure from her mum to do something with a job at the end of it. But, to quote Avenue Q, what do you do with a BA in English? [You can set up a blog on teh interweb and bitch about people on the telly. - Carrie] Keisha wants to prove to everyone that she was "meant to be Nancy".

Here's a little tip: if you want to look good on a TV talent show [or EVER - Carrie], don't sing an Aretha Franklin song. You'll just sound lame in comparison. Amy is singing 'Respect', and it's not that great. Also, awful green dress, not flattering in the slightest. She's a bit OTT - bulging eyes are not good. I think this series someone has told ALW to try and look interested during the performances - he usually looks bored when they cut to him, but is doing okay this week. Keisha is singing 'Mad about the Boy', which is much better. She has a much more flattering dress too. Probably one of the strongest vocal performances of the night so far, in my book. [Vocally awesome, and she's hot as. Hello, Joel's favourite Nancy.-Joel]

Graham asks them what gives them the edge. Amy thinks she's "fun, feisty, raw and real", and she wants it more than anyone else. Not convinced. Keisha is "strong-minded and confident ... and built like this". Work it, girl!

John tells Amy that her perfomance was confident and quirky, but "next time I want to see you open up that vocal", while he suspects that Keisha might be "too sophisticated to be Nancy" and wants to see something different next week. [She was ACTING, Barrowman, you stupid fucker. - Carrie] Barry says Keisha's was "the only song I recognise", bless him, and thinks if Bill Sikes tried to hit her, she'd deck him - the racialist. He thinks Amy's would be a great comic performance. Denise says that Amy "gave that song Oom-pah-pah" - DRINK! - and she thought Keisha was "hot - you would send Bill Sikes crazy with desire". Mr Webber says that Keisha has "the touch of a young Shirley Bassey in [her]", and I wish they'd stop going on about Shirley Bassey. Okay, she sang 'As Long as He Needs Me', and she's a feisty character, but that's as far as the Nancy comparisons go, in my opinion. [They wanted to cast Bassey as Nancy in the film, but someone pulled a string to cast Shani Wallis instead. - Carrie] He's just realised that accents might be a problem. He wasn't sure whether Amy showed that she could be Nancy, but was impressed with her voice.

Next up, Francesca, who is Welsh, and Rachel, who is from Northern Ireland, and seems to be in tears every time she's interviewed. Francesca is a professional actress, having already graced the West End stage in the awful Rent Remixed with HRH Denise Van Outen, so she's not exactly raw talent. She says that playing Nancy, it would be "me out there, not pretending to be anyone else". Except Nancy, obv. Francesca has understudied Rachel in the past. Rachel says she's from a "raw, knees-up background", which she's hoping will work in her favour. STOP CRYING DAMMIT!

Francesca is singing Mariah Carey's 'Hero', and I'm not sure her lower register is up to it. Her enunciation isn't very good either. Wearing a curtain probably doesn't help. [I'm having serious misgivings about Francesca being in this show. After seeing her in the theatrical stillbirth that was Rent: Amyl Nitrate Edition, I was all set to be her number one fan, but after her performance this week I'm wondering if perhaps she only looked good in Rent because everyone else was so terrible. I don't want my good memories of her sullied - she really was great as Joanne, she was, she was, SHE WAS. C'mon, Francesca. Justify my love. - Steve]

Rachel is wearing bright yellow, but just about gets away with it. She's singing the Sugababes' 'About You Now', which isn't really the best showcase song, and keeps running around the stage.

Graham's obviously running short of time, because he goes straight to the panel. Denise waffles a bit before saying that based on that performance, Francesca could play Nancy, but she wants to see the tougher side of Nancy next week. She thinks Rachel showed the "rawness and roughness" of Nancy, and thinks she would fit in with her friends in the East End. John thinks Francesca had some pitch problems with her high notes she needs to work on, but "you do deserve to stay in the competition". He says that he stuck his neck out to keep Rachel in the competition, and calls her "fantastic" three times whilst punching the air, to emphasise his point. Yeah, yeah. Barry calls Francesca's performance "classy" and thought Rachel had "the quality of a street urchin - tough and saucy".

ALW says that because they're both professional actresses, they'll have "the biggest mountain to climb" - though not on past experience. He thought Francesca was "a bit wonky", although he's not worried because she sang better in rehearsal [I was actually at the dress rehearsal, and I can back him up on this. - Steve] - excuse me, but aren't we supposed to be judging on the live performance, Mr Webber, sir? - but Rachel was "really fabulous".

Back to "the Oliver situation". Each week they'll get a task to do, on the basis of which ALW and Cameron Mackintosh will vote them into the semi-finals. Cam thinks the boys are of a very high standard. Their first task is to learn sleight-of-hand from a magician, and then demonstrate what they've learned. Some definitely performed better than others [bless Chester and his cape, I really love him - Carrie], and the first boy to go through is IBA favourite Gwion! Whoop! [Whoop! - Carrie] Does that mean he doesn't have to do the other tasks? I'm confused. He says to play Oliver would be an honour for his family "and all of Wales". These youngsters catch on quickly, don't they? [Yeah, except I'm bored already. If we can't vote for them why should we give a toss about them? - Louise]

Four more Nancys to get through, and the penultimate pair are Samantha and Sarah. Samantha says she always had big dreams, but didn't know how to achieve them because she lived on the Isle of Man. Get a boat? Sarah says that to be a leading lady is all she wants. Samantha released an album on the Isle of Man and sold 600 copies. There are no theatres though, and you're not likely to bump into ALW. Sarah has five jobs, including volunteering in a theatre and selling the Evening Standard. She's been in a lot of am-dram, and reckons that despite the baby face, she's perfect for Nancy. [I'm not convinced, but I do think she'd make a great Glinda in Wicked. - Steve]

First up, Samantha singing 'I Love Rock'n'Roll', wearing very little. I'm sure the panel will go on about how raw she is, because that's what they seem to say when people sing rocky stuff. Ooh, unexpected key change! DRINK!

Sarah is singing 'Get Here', which: blah. Her dress is like a teal-coloured version of Ashley's dress. All these Nancys are quite buxom, aren't they? There haven't been any really bad performances yet. Sarah has a great dirty laugh.

Barry says Sarah "brought out the cuddly side of Nancy", while Samantha makes him want to go and live on the Isle of Man. Dirty old perv. John says that to be "that sexy, that talented and that hot at this age", Samantha "might run away with the competition". Steady on! Nancy isn't just about being sexy. He says Sarah is vocally "like" honey, and reminds him of "a young EP - Elaine Paige". [Fuck off, Barrowman, with your fucking idiot name-dropping. - Carrie] Also Sarah played John's daughter in a production once - and there I thought he was still playing men too young to have daughters [or too gay, at least - Steve] - but she definitely has leading lady potential. Denise says that Samantha blew her away, and Sarah's "beautiful vocal" was "effortless", and she does something with her eyes that she calls "the Meryl Streep factor". ALW accuses the band of eyeing up Samantha when they were playing, and then says she was "terrific" and "really rocked it out". Sarah needs to work on her diction, though.

The final two Nancys are Cleo and Niamh. Cleo thinks she's a modern-day Nancy, while Niamh says she could play Nancy although she's only 17. Cleo is working the whole working-class London girl thing, from "not the best of areas". She works with people in the community, but thinks she's a "street girl" like Nancy. She thinks her family will be proud of her if she accomplishes something. Niamh is from Bangor, so she'll be splitting the Welsh vote with Francesca [and Tara! - Carrie]. [Sorry, actually that is Bangor in Northern Ireland - thanks Louise - I didn't even know there was a Bangor in Northern Ireland! So presumably Northern Ireland will be voting for her, and which means all the regions have a representative Nancy. - Georgi] She's postponing her A-levels for the chance of a lifetime.

Cleo's dress looks a bit like it's made from offcuts draped round her, ie pretty shapeless. She's singing Pink's 'Who Knew', which: hate it, but again, it is obviously rocky and raw. I'm not sure it's the best song for her, and the bit where she does the "sincere" Acting into the camera is a bit annoying.

Niamh is singing 'The First Cut is the Deepest', so expect lots of emoting. She doesn't immediately scream "Nancy" to me. Still hating the rush-from-one-side-of-the-stage-to-the-other thing. They all seem to do it. Her vocals are a bit meh. [But she is so pretty. - Carrie] [Although she's ruined it by stealing her haircut from Swimbint out of Hollyoaks. That fringe flatters no one. - Steve]

Graham feels sorry for these two because they've been waiting "longer than a passenger at Terminal 5!" Ha! Topical humour! DRINK! They both think waiting to find out if they got into the final 12 was more nervewracking than performing live, though.

John thinks Cleo has "raw talent" (thank you!) although she's "a bit uncomfortable in [her] skin at times", when she gets nervous, while he "melts" when Niamh sings. Barry thinks Cleo is a wonderful actress and Niamh is going to be famous, but "There's something a bit spooky about you. I can see you in a musical version of The Addams Family." Barry thinks all of the Nancys will go on to great things. Denise says that Niamh looks like "a young Bernadette Peters", which is a reference I'm sure most of the audience won't have got - I know I had to Google her, as Graham suggested. [I am such a musical theatre geek - I nodded wisely and vigorously in agreement when he said that. - Carrie] She thought Cleo was fantastic and "really acted it". Mr Webber is wondering if he can get out of Sunday night's decision because all the ladies are fabulous. He says Niamh "acted well with the song" and she has "come on a huge amount".

So that's your lot - time for a recap. It's hard to tell which way the competition's going to go - I wouldn't even like to guess who's going to get voted out, never mind who might eventually win. Join us again for the results show on Sunday evening *grumble*.

You'll have noticed...

2008-03-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

...that there's a nice shiny widgety thing at the top of our right sidebar, which seeks to raise money for charidee - more specifically, for the Alzheimer's Society, through the medium of me running a 10k in May. If you've enjoyed our bitching on any of our blogs, please feel free to express your solidarity with our snarky misanthropic selves by donating! Thanks in advance.

It's a Fine Line

2008-03-22T14:11:00.001-07:00

It's ~~show~~ school time! Nancy/Oliver school to be precise. Cue tantrums, tears, running mascara and bitching. And that's just the Olivers... It's Norton – you chose a Maria and a Joseph, now it's time to whittle down 42 Nancys to just 12! Cue titles. Cue flashback to last week's selection, and now it's Going to Get Tough... And it's also time to meet the 12 Olivers who've been selected to go on the live shows.

More back stories - “it's what I was born to do” etc, etc. Yawn. Van Outen says they'll be under INTENSE PRESSURE. Gosh. Really?

Welcome to Nancy School, says van Outen, we'll be stripping away the old you, no mascara, no lip gloss, nothing. Just a table of face wipes. Cue lots of bare faces as they struggle to cope without their “faces”.

We meet some people who'll be helping out on day one – Clare, who's an ex-Phantom of the Opera leading lady, [Claire Moore, I believe, who was Sarah Brightman's understudy in the original cast of Phantom, was also Ellen in Miss Saigon, and is generally awesome - Carrie] an annoying vocal/performance coach with an American accent and Kevin the choreographer are all on hand to whittle the troupe down.

Cue ALW who says he doesn't want a drippy little Victorian boy, while the screen shows a shot of Mark Lester. Pretty clear, then. Norton tells us, again, that thousands applied. Cue shots of Cameron Mac and ALW listening to lots of hideously out-of-tune kids. Then a shot of, ooh, pre-teen wrestling! Nine-year-old Joseph, who looks just like Lester and has a very plummy voice, stands on a chair – he's made it through. He looks startled. I'm startled. Didn't ALW just say he didn't want a Lester type? I think we can see which way it's going to go. The next boy up looks like a young Michael Jackson from the Ben era. He's through, too. [Aw, I liked him. He and his family were all excited and happy. I was trying to work out whether a black Oliver would make sense in terms of the story, and I'm thinking it would be an quite interesting take; Mr Brownlow's niece, being an unmarried lady of a certain social class, would certainly have been in disgrace for liaisons with, gasp, a man of colour, whom one presumes would have been one of her household. I'm not saying it's what Dickens had in mind, but it does work. - Carrie]

Cut to Van Outen – things are going to get much tougher, and There Will Be Eliminations! As if we couldn't guess. John Barrowman reminds us it's a COMPETITION, for a premier role in the West End no less. The Nancys will have to impress on day 1. [I believe this was the point at which I texted Steve to inform him that Barrowman isn't believable as a human being - even when he's trying to talk normally, it comes across as forced and stilted. At least Van Outen seems reasonably natural. - Carrie]

It's straight into class and scales. Jennifer, the 18 year old waitress [if that is indeed what you call people who work behind the counter at Burger King - Georgi] from Liverpool, is off key. Cue tears already. Van Outen gives her a pep talk about emotions going to another level. Essex girl Lucy is having a confidence crisis. Actress Francesca knows van Outen, they worked together in Rent [they were LESBIAN LOVERS OMGZ in Rent. Francesca Jackson is aces. - Carrie]. Denise asks what she's doing there. It's her DREAM ROLE! Quelle surprise. Alisha promises to work her socks off. Van Outen insists Alisha doesn't let her down and warns her about her diction, which has been weak so far. Alisha looks like she's been blubbing in the loos for an hour, her eyes are so red and puffy.

Sarah-Jane, the single mum, is terrified of the trained competition. Nancy, the east-end lass with a DEAD DAD, looks confident and chirpy. Norton thinks they look relaxed even though they say they are nerve-wracked. Alisha bottles it. Van Outen gives her a dressing down. Alisha's off though. One down. It's one less competitor for the other Nancys.

Cue shots of all the Nancys singing to the panel. They are all GIVING THEIR ALL! Charlotte feels under pressure and hits bum notes galore before forgetting her words and freezing. Cue tears. She's frustrated. So am I. This is all so predictable. I need another drink. It's time to wait and see who's done their best. Jessie thinks she's done badly, cue a hug from Barrowman [ew - Carrie] and a pep talk. The panel start deciding. Fates are being sealed.

Katie is out but Keisha is in. Norton consoles Katie. Jennifer, Lucy , Jodie (with lots of tears) and Mandy are all in. Cwoife is out, she's too young, sweet, and innocent. Norton consoles her. Francesca and Jessica are in, and so's Charlotte. Van Outen says Sarah Jane's vocals are tired. She's out. More tears, because she's a SINGLE MUM!

Barrowman says they are all through to the next step. Cue hugs, tears, screeches, etc etc. Yawn. Nancy, the east-end girl wiv an 'eart of gold, feels sick. They're getting competitive and here to stay. Keisha looks determined. There Will Be More Eliminations on day 2. No surprises there, then. Cue arrival of Dame Edna to help select the last 12.

It's back to the Olivers. Gareth, Jordan and Gwion [love him! - Carrie][also loving his fantastically Welsh name - Georgi] are all through. That's six in and six to go. Is it me or do they all look and sound the same? I'm struggling to tell the difference here.

It's back to Nancy school, and time to see them acting rather than singing. Sonia Swaby, who was the last Nancy in Cameron Mackintosh's last production of Oliver! [and is also generally awesome - Carrie], is there to help them through. Cue EVIL ORGAN NOISES, ALW is on his way!

Cue Graham Norton pulling faces at some truly dreadful overacting. [I didn't know Barrowman's acting masterclass was this week. HAHAHA LULZ! - Carrie]

ALW likes Rachel, though, he's tingling. Oo-er missus! He's off. Phew. I was alarmed at the tingling. Francesca is unwell and has to see the doctor. Cue tears. The vocal coach tells her to go home. Barrowman says the others have caught up with Francesca, who has to rest and up her game if she gets fit enough to come back.

It's time for the final test – they're all singing It's a Fine Life. They all want to stay, they all have POTENTIAL. Tell us something NEW! It's the moment of truth, says van Outen. Show us your Nancy, says Barrowman (show us yours, JB). Charlotte doesn't want to go home, but she's feeling the pressure. Come off it, they're all feeling the pressure because it's a TV Talent Show! And now it's the moment of truth (again), as they sing As Long As He Needs Me in a group. Barrowman wanders around tapping them on the shoulder if they are OUT. [This is such an unnecessarily cruel way of doing eliminations. Nobody needs the Barrowman creeping up behind them. - Georgi] Jodie looks like she's going to puke. Jennifer the waitress is out. Cue more tears and crying on Norton's jacket. Nancy the east-end girl with a dead dad and a heart of gold is OUT! Shock! She's not the Chosen One, after all. [Dead Dad Nancy was robbed! - Carrie] Van Outen looks tense, Barrowman tells the remaining girls they could be Nancy. Cue yet more hugs, tears, etc. Yawn, this is so predictable. Keisha looks like it's her turn to throw up.

Francesca's at home in Wales and Barrowman phones to tell her she's still in with a chance but has to get healthy. Will she recover in time? [Fingers crossed. Also, Barrowman says his own name really weirdly. - Carrie]

Back to the Olivers. Laurence, Jonny and rugby player Harry are all in. Why do they all sound like they ate a kilo of plums? He's a workhouse brat, for God's sake!

There are 18 Nancys left, and one last test (er, didn't they say that 10 minutes ago?). It's an invited audience at a theatre in the east end. The panel is van Outen, Cameron Macintosh, ALW and Barry Humphries. Barrowman is trapped in Cardiff in the time rift, apparently. Cue shot of Babs Windsor telling us how her life was changed by Lionel Bart when he gave her a part in Fings Ain't Wot They Used To Be. Connie Fisher and [West End Leading Man - Carrie] Lee Mead are in the audience too. [Former West End Leading Lady - Steve] Connie says they'll all be nervous. No? Really?

Cue a group turn of Om Pah Pah and Fings, plus various pop songs for the individual turns. No one really stands out. Babs says it was all wonderful, she wouldn't have missed it. Lee's enjoying watching rather than auditioning.

Cut to the last three Olivers – Sam, Alex and Chester [I LOVE him too. And I'm not speculating or anything, but the kid loves to sing and dance and trampoline, and also wears a hat. I suspect if he were 15 years older, he'd be a good friend of mine. - Carrie].

It's judgement day for the Nancys. Everyone plus the panel heads to ALW's posh country pad for decision time. Barrowman arrives from Cardiff and watches back the VTs to catch up. Cue lots of disagreements on the panel as they look at the polaroids. This is no panel for old men – Humphries is sporting a dodgy Javier Bardem psycho-killer haircut but has little to say.

Cleopatra and Helen get called in to sing again. Van Outen looks pleased with Helen, while Barrowman looks bemused at Cleo, who looks terrified. The youngest girls are also asked to sing again – Jessie, Lucy, Samantha and Niamh. ALW does some eyebrow-raising at Jessie. Lucy pulls unattractive faces. She's not going through, anyway, she's the size of a Surrey bungalow. Sam is off-key. They all burst into tears. ALW says there was one World-Class Performer in the four. Van Outen agrees. I think there are several going home.

It's time. Tara tells ALW he has a nice house. [AHAHAH! It's a fucking mansion! It's a fucking country ESTATE! - Carrie] She's in. Cue tears. Kleenex shares quadruple overnight. ALW's unsure about Rachel, but – she's in! OMG! Ashley's in and rings her gran, who yelps ear-piercing screams. Mandy's not right, she's out. And Dolly, who's not Nancy as she's not had enough experience. Jaime says “Nancy's my dream”. Not for ALW, though, who tells her “you're very talented but you're not Nancy, get some experience". Sarah looks eager, she's in! Jessie has been turned down twice by drama school – but she's in! She asks ALW if he's serious. Like, duh... Keisha's in and drops to her knees as if she's about to do the hands in concrete thing on the Hollywood walk of fame. Er, she has a long way to go yet. Samantha's in and hugs Norton. Francesca's in too, despite the health problems. Ginger-haired Amy's in – ALW tells her it's a ghastly moment, so of course we all thought she was going home. Helen the professional actress is told she's not raw enough and too polished. Out. [Apparently having actually attempted to train for a career in musicals is almost as bad as having both parents still alive. - Steve] Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Jodie from Blackpool, who lost 8 stone and drags her bloke to auditions, is in, on condition she can do sad as well as bubbly. She goes blubber-berserk. What IS she like? Totally OTT. I have my doubts about her. Nurse, pass the Prozac. Just two places left and Fat Lucy is going home. No surprise there.

The last three get called in to see ALW together. Niamh's through, so is Cleopatra, but Ann's not. Cleo may be about to have a coronary. And now it's all down to you from next week – cue the live shows!

Do you know YOUR craft?

2008-03-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

Show 1, tx: 15th March 2008

Welcome, all, to yet another blog. The television schedules are crammed full of light entertainment goodies at the moment, so for your delectation we're set to blog the BBC's latest free publicity vehicle for Andrew Lloyd Webber (like he needs the money...and we're the ones paying for the PR. US. OUR LICENCE FEES), I'd Do Anything.

When this show was first announced, we were promised that Lloyd Webber and his minions would be seeking a Nancy and three Olivers, but now it transpires we're not even going to get to vote on the children and thus send a bunch of pre-pubescent boys into a drink- and drugs-fuelled Mark Lester-esque depression. Still, it might still be a laugh.

Anyway, here we go. Connie bloody Fisher says, "From telesales to West End Leading Lady - who would have thought?" Everyone, you stupid mock-humble bint, you were slated for the part from the very beginning. We see lovely Shani Wallis in the film version of Oliver!; we see bloody John Barrowman doing Acting; we see some stupid woman who claims, "There's a Nancy in me, there really is", which sends me into a fit of teh lulz; teh blah.

Titles! Lots of urchins and prostitutes running around a very clean slum. Oh, that's a disappointment. Throughout HDYSAPLM and ADWD? I kept bursting into the title songs (the mock-operatic bit, mostly). The same will not be happening with this. [You wanna bet? - Louise]

Lots of auditionees. Graham Norton reassures us that we are very powerful as we get to cast Nancy. THOUGH NOT OLIVER. Lloyd Webber says, "We've broken the theatre system." Too fucking right, mate. I am beginning to despair for the future of musical theatre. How about encouraging new writing rather than buying up all the bastard theatres then staging huge productions on them to fill your pockets even further?

ALW reminds us that Connie Fisher and Lee Mead are GRATE. Connie Fisher reminds us that she is GRATE. Lee Mead has a lovely smile. [But is not GRATE, apparently. - Steve] ALW reckons that having TV talent shows has opened the door for young people who would never normally get to see him because of the way the theatre system works. And...the theatre system generally works by audition. The TV system, however, works on back stories (believe me. I've seen the application form). So though having a parent WHO IS DEAD might not get you into the audition room for straight theatre, fret not, you can be humiliated live on television every Saturday night! Norton reminds us that ALW is GRATE. [Not to worry - having a sob story has been proven not to cut much ice with the voters, who seem to be pretty sharp at spotting a lack of talent regardless - Louise][Although apparently the Great British Public do have a soft spot for talentless Scottish twunts who don't want to go back to their *sob* job at *sob* Tesco. - Georgi]

Norton introduces us to Cameron Mackintosh, who has always struck me as a sensible sort of chap. We're then told he hasn't worked with ALW for 21 years, which kind of reinforces my point. EW TOPLESS Lloyd Webber. [MY EYES! - Georgi]

This competition is tougher than ever. Right. The thousands of hopefuls will be whittled down to a smaller group to be seen by the "expert" "panel", and then the pupils of Nancy School will be selected. Then they get to perform on stage (fingers crossed at ALW's PERSONAL THEATRE AT HIS HOUSE), and the ones who are "best" will be served up for our ritual entertainment for the next couple of months.

ALW says that Nancy is "so today...so believable". Cam is badly edited, but is generally excited. Norton tells us how popular Oliver! is. Shani Wallis gives her opinions on who Nancy is (frankly, I'd listen to her, rather than ALW's ill-advised ramblings about "an even younger Amy Winehouse") . Perry Fenwick reckons she is like a Queen Vic barmaid, and speaking of which, they wheel out Barbara Windsor. ZOMG, it's Mark Lester. He looks a bit rakish. That is so wrong. Todd Carty, billed as "Oliver fan". Randoms in the street. For Christ's sake, everyone, she was a PROSTITUTE and a PISSHEAD and a BATTERED WOMAN. She was NICE, admittedly, but really you have to keep those three things at the forefront of your mind, surely? Read the fucking book. Or read the fucking libretto, I don't really care, it says so in BOTH OF THEM. [But that is a bit much for Saturday night telly, so instead they keep going on about how she needs to be "raw" and "a bit rough". - Georgi]

ALW, Cam and Norton are in a pub having a staged discussion about who Nancy should be. ALW says about Winehouse again. SHUT UP. Cam says "early Shirley Bassey", which I can sort of get, with that sense of world-weariness. ALW talks about "heart of gold", and "it's got to be a voice you can believe in", with Cam adding, "if it doesn't sound like it's lived through the gin and the East End, it won't sound right." They are making the right noises, but they so won't stick to this.

Lots of women queuing up and singing; lots of little boys screeching; various voxpops with women explaining their day jobs, like we care. Norton sounds vaguely surprised that people have dressed up, pretending that he doesn't know that it suggested dressing up ON THE FUCKING APPLICATION FORM. Lots of shit Cockney accents. One woman looks a bit like Little Mo.

Jessie is from the west coast of Ireland, and came to the UK to audition for drama school. She didn't get in. She is 18. I don't like her hair. She sings to Renowned Casting Director David Grindrod, who is unimpressed, and shouts advice to her through her performance. She gets better. She gets a callback. She cries. She can't believe it.

I have NO idea how to spell the name of the next woman, perhaps Menal?, but she's 27 and half-Arabic, and anyway if she progresses in the competition they might bother captioning her next time. I don't like her hair either. She has made the considered decision to go for some cleavage in her audition. I don't like her nasal vibrato. RCD David Grindrod judges her acting skills unfavourably, but puts her through anyway. She cries.

Montage. Ooh, now we get to see some shit people. HAHAHA let's laugh at the ugly, the untalented and the stupid. They all cry. RCD David Grindrod hugs some of them. The atmosphere is apparently "scarier than Bill Sikes with a hangover", though I don't notice anyone at the auditions actually BEING MURDERED by the atmosphere.

18-year-old Jennifer FROM LIVERPOOL is crying because she is nervous. They have sent a TV crew back to her house and dance classes and job, so I'm guessing we'll be seeing more of her. And of course we will be, for she has a mum, WHO IS ILL. FUCK'S SAKE. Jennifer thinks she would be good at playing Nancy because "she's had a rough life too". She sings. It's OK. She gets through.

Now we get to see all the irritating little children auditioning for the role of Oliver. Don't fucking care, we don't get to vote, and we don't like stage-school brats. Although I am quite amused by the boy who says, "It would be a dream come true to sing in That West End." [As opposed to...? - Steve] ALW doesn't want a Victorian doll; Cam wants a gutsy boy with the voice of an angel. Clips of children singing, some of whom sing with an American accent, and one of whom sings with a rather cute Welsh accent. Lee Mead goes to join in the workshop, for no reason I can ascertain.

Ebony from Cornwall thinks this will CHANGE HER LIFE because it will be the ONLY OPPORTUNITY she EVER gets to do something like this. There's plinky-plonky piano music, which as we well know means ONLY ONE THING - her NAN AND GRANDAD DIED and SHE HAD TO LOOK AFTER HER MUM. What the fuck, BBC? This is worse than the fucking X-Factor. Anyway, she sings a song from The Little Mermaid, and she has a nice earthy quality to her voice, though not a great deal of melody, but she looks good and she has an ace sob story. RCD David Grindrod tells her to come back in an hour.

Jodie (?) from Blackpool has brought her new boyfriend to the audition with her. Musical theatre is her dream. She used to BE FAT and it has HELD HER BACK. Now she has lost eight and a half stone. RCD coaches her through the song, but doesn't know whether she should go through. He puts her through anyway. She cries. Her new boyfriend is pleased.

Montage of lunatics and cross-dressers. HAHAHAHAH.

Ebony needs some advice from her mum. OH, AND IT IS HER BIRTHDAY TODAY. Ebony sings at her mum. Her mum cries, because that was the song SHE SANG AT HER GRANDPARENTS' FUNERAL. She goes back in to see RCD David Grindrod. Her mum's hands are shaking. RCD David Grindrod tells her that because it is eight shows a week in a West End show, she needs more experience, and so he is not putting her through. Is this the last we see of her?

ALW turns up at the auditions. Lots of women are overwhelmed. One confesses that when she was a teenager, she had a poster of him on her wall. [Which: please, no. - Georgi] ALW decides to give some helpful advice to auditionees, and gurn while they are singing.

Jessica from Bristol is the next one in. She is blonde and reminds me a bit of Emma Chambers. She warbles her way through a dreadful offkey version of Think Twice. RCD David Grindrod tells her to stick out her tongue. There's a stud through it, which should have been removed. ALW says he thinks Nancy would have a tongue piercing, and also tattoos, but tells her not to worry about it. I'd be more worried about the fact that this bird can't hold a bloody tune. ALW chooses not to concern himself about this, then wheels out his now traditional spiel about how he is looking for a New Nancy with x amount of characteristics but they have Not Found Her Yet. He goes to watch the horrible stage-school brats instead. They're no sodding better, singing in a variety of keys and forcing dreadful vibrato. ALW says he saw one Oliver he liked, because he thought "if you said something he didn't like, he'd knee you in the goolies, and I think Oliver's got to be like that from time to time." (As if. Oliver's a total simp. The Artful Dodger would knee you in the balls, fo shizzle.-Joel)

Boarding-schoolgirl Katie sings a vaguely operatic version of All By Myself, and then admits her parents are professional opera singers. She loves musical theatre, and has lots of teeth. Norton gives us a flashback to ALW saying, "This is a girl who's been scrabbling around in the gutter", implying that Katie is therefore unsuitable because SHE IS RICH. Fuck's sake, she might be able to act for all we know; I don't think she should be automatically discounted because she wasn't in fact brought up on the streets. As she walks out of the room, she beams at the camera, and suddenly looks a lot like Sarah Brightman. [For my money, she is way too young and innocent-looking for Nancy. - Georgi]

London girls Nancy (who I really like on sight - she is good and she looks the part) and Cleopatra (comin' atcha) [I really want her to go through to the live shows just because I want to shout that at the TV every week. And possibly Drink! - Georgi] both go through. Nancy cries and then so does RCD David Grindrod. Sarah-Jane is a SINGLE MUM with a RECENT HEALTH SCARE. She lives each day as it comes. I like her voice a lot. She goes through too. She cries. Her son is pleased, if embarrassed.

Montage of squeaky excited women and RCD David Grindrod crying.

London! Drink! 109 Nancys (Nancies?) and 50 Olivers are through to the callbacks. Everyone really wants the part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Helping" "us" "choose" "our" "Nancy" are the panel - the ubiquitous West End Leading Man John Barrowman, shit radio DJ and star of Rent: Amyl Nitrate Edition Denise Van Outen, and RCD David Grindrod, because presumably Barry Humphries costs too much to have there prior to the live shows. [And Barry Humphries knows oh so much about musicals, right? WTF experience does he have for judging musical talent when he can't even coordinate his twinset and pearls? - Louise] [To be fair to him, he played Mr Sowerberry in the original West End cast of Oliver!, and has played Fagin in two separate productions. Sounds weird, right? But it's a TRUFACT. - Carrie]

The ladies are doing their vocal warm-ups. Norton is in their midst and sneering. He goes to talk to the panel. Barrowman says Nancy has to be a little "dirty", but then he would say that. Denise says that this year, the winner can't be too polished or too trained. She's making the same mistake as ALW and Norton earlier - just because someone has been trained, it doesn't mean they can't act the street-dwelling whore, does it? In fact, doesn't it make it more likely that they can? [THANK you. I was screaming that at my TV almost constantly. - Steve] Rada-trained Shani Wallis and Laine-trained Olivier-award winner Ruthie Henshall both managed it, to name but two. I'm getting pissed off with this show already, and it's only half an hour in. Barrowman pretends that we actually get to choose who plays Nancy, and that ALW doesn't really get the casting vote.

Callbacks. It is the Toughest Competition Yet, and everyone is Feeling The Pressure. Orla from Derry is first in, and for some reason she gets to sing Crazy For You. Norton makes Madonna jokes. Barrowman says that she is beautiful and polished but they need a rougher edge. GIVE THEM A NANCY SONG TO SING, THEN, AND ASK THEM TO ACT IT. Oh, they do for the next ones. One girl backstage listens to a rejection, then comments, "Well, at least there's one more space for us." Ha! [I loved that. Now THAT's what Nancy would be like. - Steve]

Keisha from London has a deceptively low and powerful voice. RCD David Grindrod coaches her through the song. And She Could Be Nancy. Whoop whoop! They will see her at Nancy School. Sarah-Jane, who is a SINGLE MUM, is advised by Barrowman to focus - "it doesn't have to sound perfect, because Nancy's not perfect." The panel talk as she sings, which is rude. RCD David Grindrod says they have concerns about her voice and her acting, but they are still sending her through because she has a good sob story. They don't say that bit, obviously.

Barrowman tries to help people with their Acting, and seems bewildered when that doesn't work. Never mind, ladies, you'll get him for a whole masterclass in a couple of weeks' time. Oh, Jesus, he's going to be playing Bill Sikes in the workshops, isn't he? NOTE TO ALW - just in case you read this, sir, CAST RICHARD ARMITAGE AS SIKES. He'd be ace.

Norton talks to posh Katie about the fact that some real East End girls have got through - "the kind of girls you'd move away from at a bus stop" - and that she will need to Act if she is going to be successful. Denise asks Katie why she wants to play Nancy, and props to Katie, she refers to the original text and Dickens. I'm not convinced by the literary veracity of her claims, but let's face it, Denise and Barrowman won't know any different. She sings nicely again. Her mum has an ugly scarf. The panel patronise her, then send her through to Nancy School.

For those of us with short-term memory loss, we are given a flashback to Jennifer from Liverpool, who is in the same outfit that she had at the original auditions. She sings I Will Always Love You. Denise talks to her about her job and asks if she will lose it if she takes time off to go to Nancy School. Jennifer cries.

ALW turns up to stick his nose in. "Think street...think streetkid Nancy." He watches auditions on the big monitor with Norton. "Trained voice," he notes. Norton asks, "Would that trained voice immediately rule her out?" Thankfully, he replies, "No." I think we all know the problems that ensue when you stick someone on the West End stage who hasn't had their voice trained properly or who doesn't take care of their voice or who hasn't kept up their practice, don't we? One woman sings Sweet Child O' Mine. Why? Half-Arabic Menal reminds ALW of "a young Shirley Bassey", presumably because she has dark skin and can sing. She is through to Nancy School.

At Nancy School, they will undergo intensive training, including Acting Class with Barrowman. All the girls would Do Anything for the part, including BEGGING and HUMILIATING THEMSELVES on live television. Montage of embarrassment.

Barrowman to one rejected lady: "I'm right on this. I know my craft."
Viewing public: "AHAHAHAHHA!" [He WAS right, though, that time. She was Truly Scrumptious, I mean Truly Awful - Louise] (Beside the point. There is no excuse for saying, 'I know my craft', especially when you're John Barrowman. Unless the craft is, like, making people touch your cock at parties.-Joel)

Jodie from Blackpool has brought her boyfriend with her again. This is their seventh date. Norton says to him, "You must be pretty keen." He is. Bless. Barrowman immediately takes to her. She makes him laugh in ridiculous fashion. Then he starts doing Acting Coaching, which makes him shout, for some reason. Anyway, she is good still, and she goes through to Nancy School. Jodie rings her mum. Her mum is pleased. ALW turns up and kisses Jodie, who rambles in her excitement.

21-year-old Cleopatra lives in north-west London with her mum and brother. She is made to pose by walls and graffiti in an urban fashion. She works on a performing arts project about knife and gun crime. BUT! She has a sore throat! O NOEZ! What will happen? She goes on stage, and Denise says, "Comin' atcha", cos she is on our blog, steelin our jokez. Barrowman stops Cleopatra's audition because he has noticed the rasp at the top end of her voice; Denise tells her she is special; she is going to Nancy School. She hugs her mum.

More about the stage-school brats, who are doing a musical theatre workshop, and then they sing for ALW and Cam, who is singing along, which is quite cute. 11-year-old Alexander is wearing a suit and has shiny hair. They like him. Then they do some Acting. I LOVE the little Welsh lad! Cam and ALW do deliberating. [aka shuffling polaroids around and pretending to Look Very Serious Indeed - is this going to be a looks-based initial selection? - Louise]

Caoife made RCD David Grindrod cry at the auditions, but that seems to have happened quite a lot, to be fair. She and her family walk around the lovely picturesque IRISH countryside in IRELAND, which is where she is from because she is IRISH. She does her audition is a very nervous way. Barrowman points her that she is a "young girl - Nancy is a woman". She tries to argue that she can act any age, and every actress should be able to do that. Whatever. We see lots of other auditions from young people, at which the panel voice their concerns about their lack of life experience. Well, why put them through this far then if you were really that bothered? Anyway, Barrowman is in love with Caoife, and she goes through. [She'd better mug up on her Mocknee if she's going to graduate from Nancy School - Louise]

East End Nancy, whom I love, claims to be a survivor. Her dad introduced her to singing, but he wasn't an actor, just a typical East End bloke. [Ooh, make her sing some Chaz'n'Dave for the auditions! - Georgi] He DIED when she was 10. He went out one night, and didn't come back. Nancy does her housework and sings. Her mum cries because she knows Nancy's dad will be looking over her. Nancy sings As Long As She Needs Me. Everyone cries, including Nancy and Norton. What is point of this competition, please? She is this year's Chosen One. (Well, you'd hope so. She's a bit good. I just hope they let her talent be enough and don't fall back on her dad, who is DEAD.-Joel) Denise tells her she did the East End proud. Obviously she is going to Nancy School.

Montage of Nancy Scholars with no names. ALW and Cam have chosen their Olivers, but we won't find out who they are till next week. Except we do, because they have a montage, and the little Welsh lad is one of them, whoop!

At Nancy School, make-up is forbidden, apparently. They will be Pushed To Their Limits. There will be weeping. There will be Barrowman wandering around in sinister fashion to choose the 12 Nancies for the live shows. Hooray!